Partner left after 9 yrs - he has come back?

[istherehope]

Hi Ali,

I just have to jump in again as when I read through your posts your self-doubt and frustration jumps out, completely understandable. I've been there and in some ways still am, but instead of just saying "no expectations" because I know in reality that is easier (for most of us anyway) said than done, can you focus on the end goal instead? Can your expectations-or maybe a better way to put it would be aspirations-be around having a healthy long-term committed R in the future? You can still be devoted to him, don't need to date other men etc., but can you think about your own actions and words rather than his and how they are going to help you achieve your goal? Clearly your ex is still "into you". It's not as though he's blowing you off. He just still blows hot and cold. Ali-this is SO "normal". Well none of these guys are "normal", but you know what I mean-"typical", "expected". You've mentioned a lack of connection in communication. I'm still dealing with this and we've been back together for 7 months. It takes a LONG time before the guilt, anger, whatever those residual unpleasant feelings are, can be eliminated from daily interactions. When these conversations happen by phone, I think you have a fantastic opportunity. Your ex won't see your face and body language, so even if you are struggling to sound upbeat-you can do it! I am quite sure that if you show him that you are comfortable with his pace, he will relax a bit.

Of course Jody's the expert, but I do wonder whether any R talk should happen at all at this point? It feels to me like every time this topic comes up things get more awkward and the topic could feel like pressure. I guess Jody just wants to be sure your ex is aware that you are comfortable going at his pace. I would say don't force this topic though, as it might be nicer just to have a fun evening together where none of the drama comes up. Maybe Jody sees it differently though?

ITH