Is there any hope or is the damage done

[pollyanna]

Yes my Hs family have also moved on and accepted Hs OW with what I consider open arms. This not only felt horrible to me, it also upset my kids. They ( the kids )made this quite clear to the family, only to get supportive grunts and no understanding. They have made there own decsiions to have very little, to nothing to do with the family.

We have to remember that Hs family is Hs family and blood is thicker than water. What I struggle with is, my children are also blood and they are children.

[cire2]

On the note of family, I just recently found out that my own father, while picking up some belongings from last XW asked her what took her so long?!

This is a stab in the back from blood. WTH?

You can never predict others, I'm now friends with X even after restraining order and her stealing from me etc. My relationship with my dad sucks. This is compounded by the fact his cancer has returned and I believe he's given up.

In a nutshell we are frail beings and hurt the one's we love.

Forget his actions the best you can because they will be all over the place. Be the rock and stable one, your D needs this.

Keep the faith in the storm!

cire

[innishannon]

Had a stressful day yesterday.........
Firstly our D's school play was on in the morning. Me, my Mum and my H were there; he sat 4 rows behind s and refused to have anything to do with us;refused to look at us or speak to us. he was making a point of laughing loudly in places; just to show us that he is fine and happy? Chatting with the woman next to him about video cameras as if he hadnt a care in the world. Our D was happy to see us both there which is the main thing but for the life of me I wish I knew why he is acting so immature.

I was then needing to go to the main courthouse in town to talk about access with my L, I was in one room with her and my H was in another with his L. It was extremely stressful and difficult. My H wants to have 50/50 straight down the middle and is wanting to sleep/stay in our home 2 nights a week even though he is living with OW. He also wants to take our D7 one night a week outside the home overnight, at either of his sisters houses r his ex wifes house to facilitate D seeing her half sister.
I was feeling bullied and pressured to make a decision before our main court appearance next Monday so that the judge doesnt have to make the decision for us.
The simple fact is that:

I dont think that its appropriate for D to SLEEP overnight in XW's house even for the sake of sibling relationship.

I DONT think that it is right that my H can desert me and our D and then walk back in and sleep the night and spend time here.

hey have since put in a ridiculous trial parenting plan t me via email; a two week rota system where he is seeing her 4 days and the three; only now sleeping in he house once a week (just goes to show how he has no real interest in being anywhere near here) but putting her to sleep (9pm) in the house regularly.

I became upset last night. It shows that my H has every intent on seeing our D as much as he can which is great for her of course. It is even the case that he believes that I should see her less as I am an unfit mother and a psychotic.

This says volumes to me abut the way he feels about me. This is not a case when a WAH leaves the W and D without any interest, he just wants nothing t do with me or our house, he hates me and despises me and wants nothing to do with my life again.

Yet surely acting like this is a direct insult and rejection to our D?

I am personally hurting today; I feel so rejected as a woman. Yet there is a part of me that really believes that I am worth more than this; that I have wonderful friends who love me and see my worth.I am a good mother and am trying my best to look after her as best as I can under these circumstances.

He has forged on with his new life, def wants D as a majr part of it but me, our house, our R and our life, well, wants nothing t do with it.

Its hard to think of it as pure MLC when he wants to see our D so much. But the common thought here amongst people is that he has lost the run of himself and has flipped it.

He has so much anger and pride. He wants control over me and will stop at nothing.

I miss the H that I knew but have nothing to say to this new version of him. We are strangers at his insistence and maybe it is better this way? Is he WAS or MLC or both?

ADVICE? Thanks for all of your feedback so far everyone........

[bluerain]

Listen to the part of you that remembers what a good person you are... Seriously, this man walked away from his family and is now acting like his D is a coveted toy that his big brother wont let him play with, hes bouncing around from house to house, and throwing temper tantrums. Do you really think that hes worth listening to?

As long as this A, or Crisis, whatever you want to identify it as, the man is going through a crisis, you cant expect him to behave as the person you knew. Maybe someday that man will come around again, but for now, hes gone.

I absolutely would not approve of him coming back in to the marital home for his visitation, if he wants out then he wants out, and if hes not responsible enough to get his own place then he doesnt need to have her over night. I also think that its perfectly acceptable that as long as you two are still legally M, she not meet or stay at the OW's home, or the XW's. It doesnt seem that unreasonable to me. And if you see fit to be kind enough to let him put her to bed once or twice than so be it, but He is the one who walked away.

[bluerain]

Hi innishannon, just checking in.

[innishannon]

Thanks b rain, your post has meant a lot to me. You are absolutely right i what you have said; he has had a choice here and he has chosen to leave. If my H was in any way in his right mind and was wanting the best for our D he would get his own place close to her school. My heart breaks at the chaos and damage that has ensued; living with OW; in this situation? What is he thinking if not just about himself? Has anyone else had this situation and how did you cope with this?

I haven't posted for a few days as I have been in turmoil and upset; things have been going completely pear shaped.

My H and I have our court hearing tomorrow for Safety Order full hearing, access and maintenance. it is going to be horrible.
my h wants to come back into the house two nights a week, now it is down to one. i have said that it is not appropriate that he comes back here. he has said that unless he gets this he will move back into the house full time.

why? why would he want to? the simple fact is that our d7 would be subjected to what is going on between us (my h wont even look at me let alone talk to me, except if it relates to d)and she would also be completely confused. he has left me, left the marriage, left the home and is living with his lover yet still expects to be able to move back in here. i want to really fight this. i feel its so wrong. how is our d expected to move into the new reality that her father has created if she is given confusing signals? this is all about my h wanting control and power over our d.
my L asked his L whether the issue was putting our d to sleep and taking her to school in the morning. he confirmed that my h has no interest in being in the house except for our d. that hurts. i have given ten years of my life to this man and to our family. it hurts that i have been deleted yet he is prepared to fight irrationally for our d.i haven't stopped him seeing her at any time except when his behaviour has been abusive.

i also received a call from our d's headmaster of her school friday morn. our d's teacher found a one page piece of creative writing in her english journal, in her handwriting, that was sexually explicit, extremely so for a seven year old.

i am at a loss to understand where this has come from. there were no drawings or names mentioned.

i need your help here everyone.my little girl has shown signs of distress; crying and saying she cant take it any more, she wants to die, she wants to have a normal family, not a half and half family.

my heart is breaking. i need to get her professional help now.
i am at a loss to understand why this has happened to all of our lives.

my h has become an alien to me; wants nothing to do with me on any level. i have had to change my entire life to protect and care for our d; put up with the humiliation of being slandered in our community,my h living with an employee of his country having to take two orders out on my h for unreasonable behaviour and threat.

and now my d suffering like this......

thanks for reading everyone.....

the scary thing is this; if it is mlc then at least i can put it in the category that he has flipped it. but if he is in his rational mind? could he be that cruel? surely this has to be a crisis. his company is folding, he is living in four different places.....

i am a good person, i pray and put my trust in god, i try and treat people how i want to be treated. i have loved my h even through our difficulties, i have believed in my marriage.i love my d more than anything in the world.

he doesnt want his old life, just parts of it in his new life. the part that he doesnt want from his old life is me......i have to be gotten rid of and deleted at all costs. yet doing that affects our d......

[innishannon]

Its about 9.15 in the morning here in Ireland.
it is going to be a glorious day; its already sunny now.
I am looking into our garden and I am filled with sadness. We have spent many Sundays like this as a family; going to our closest town for breakfast; enjoying our garden together.

My H has spent a good deal of time in the garden over the last few years. I have asked a good friend of ours who is a landscape gardener to come in and help me do some work in t now that my H has left (she woudl know him well as he has asked her to do things for us before). My Mum told him this last night and he said he doesnt want me "ripping anything that he has planted out without speaking to him first". Interestingly, when he moved out from his last home/marriage his first wife ripped out the garden that he had planted for 20 years and did it the way she wanted it to.
Is he scared of history repeating itself> I have had no interest in ripping anything out.....
Interesting that he has also said a few times: "My XW did this to me -left the marriage for someone else-and now I am doing it to you".

hard times........

[innishannon]

Hi everyone,

Am about to go to court in a couple of hours; Safety Order hearing, Access and Maintenance.

I am standing for myself and my daughter today, against the most outrageous behaviour of my H is the last 4 and a half months.

Am at a loss to understand how our lives have taken such a detour. Yesterday (Sunday) he didnt evem ring our D to say hello. He was with OW and her sons; where he now resides.

Why he is even threatening to come back into our house is beyond me; its cruel. I am fighting so hard to keep our D on an even keel and to help her come to terms with teh reality that her dady has left us. Let alone my own grief and anguish.

I wish that things were getting easier everyone. in some ways I cant complain; i am picking up work here and there before I go back to my job in September. I am getting out and about meeting friends, keeping busy and active.

But i just cant understand why someone could want to pt ou of a life like this; that he feels that the one with OW is worth this? He is in such a fog; if he is in a relationship with his dev. mang then his company will be saved?

the damage that he has caused our D7 continues to come out......I am coping as best as I can.

[markhaving probs]

innishannon,

good luck today in court. You really are up against it, but I will think of you today and your daughter.

My situation is alike in that my W mentioned to me our son who is 7 years old is very 'clingy' at the moment. When he is with me he follows me everywhere, he is so distressed and yet my W said it as though he was getting a cold or something. As much as she loves our children she seems to be putting herself first and I find thid very hard to take.

You, like me know we cannot do or say anything to our WAS's that will make any difference. Just do the best for you and your daughter, what is what you CAN control. I am trying really hard to 'drop the rope' - To let my W go, as pursuing, snooping etc is just counter-productive and makes the situation worse. We cannot totally cut interaction because of the children, but I do not initiate any calls unless it concerns the children.

Please try to block out thoughts of your H and the fog he is in. I am the same as you, I think about my W 24/7 and this situation is some sort of re-occuring nightmare. It doesn't do me any good to keep thinking of my W as it eats me away inside, I am trying to detach from her as best I can, please try to do the same if possible. You do sound slightly better than you did and it is good you are going out, meeting friends etc.

We are all impatient but this process takes time, as alot of my posters say, think about YOU and your children, be the best parent you can, improve yourself and try to re-build your self-esteem and confidence. This is an area I need to improve on.

Innis, best wishes today and let us know how things went.

Good luck,

Mark

[hopeful_cb]

Good luck today, I have been following along with your thread and I will be thinking of you and your D. I agree with the above, think about you and your D, do the best you can on those 2 points and that is all you can do sometimes. Keep strong and hang in there. Let us know how it goes.