GETTING UN'STUCK'

[MrBond]

Okay, for some reason I can't get to my old post, so here's my new one.

Here's the sordid story of my sitch:

W and I have been M for 7 years and together for 17. We met in college when I was 21 and she was 19. I was her first and only boyfriend and the only one she's ever had sex with. Hey what can I say, when you hit it right the first time ... : )

Well we never really argued as a couple and my W is a bit of an introvert. She doesn't have any close friends and is only close to her sister and mom. Her dad walked out on them when she was 7 and she always had an insecure streak in her. She would always tell me how she never respected cheaters and how there was never a good reason to cheat, etc. all because of what her dad did to her.

Well after we got married, we had a honeymoon baby and our first D was born. We started losing touch after that because she would always spend time with our D and very little for me. I, of course, felt neglected and after awhile, sex felt like something that she owed me. I know now that we didn't really spend enough QT together. However, things worked out and we never had any major disagreements or arguments.

However around this time, she got a new job with a new boss whom she was afraid of at first, but got to really like him. He's about 20 years her senior and on his second M. After we had our second D, I noticed she felt like she had to drink in order to get in the mood. I thought maybe it was because of the sex after childbirth, so I let it slide. Her and her boss got chummier and about in March 2008, about a month after our second D turned 1, she sat up in bed and said she wanted to leave me for her boss.

Now I was stunned to say the least. I did all the wrong things, begged, pleaded, etc. All in the hopes of trying to figure out what the hell was going on. But she was adamant. Then after she talked to her sister, she agreed to go to M counseling and told me she never told her boss how she felt.

Well while we were waiting for our appt. to come up, she made my life a living hell. She would get defensive, angry, etc. when I treated her like a queen. That's when I found a note she had written to the OM about how she felt he was the one and never had feelings for me ever.

I gave her one last chance to come clean about talking to him. She denied it, so I showed her the note. She then admitted what was going on. That day I promptly kicked her ass out of the house. She begged to come back after a day promising to go to MC. So I took her back.

When we went to our first and only appt. with the C. She announced she was done and that was that. So I promptly kicked her out again. We remained separated for about 5 months. During this period, I read like a madman. I read enough relationship websites and books that would put Dr. Phil to shame. That's when I discovered the DB boards and met some great people.

Around Xmas of last year, we found out that my youngest D, had severe eczema that was being irritated by the place my W was currently staying at. I told my W that I didn't care about us at the moment and just wanted to bring my D's home to be in a stable and safe environment. We were splitting them half and half during the week and I learned to be a damn good single dad at the time. She agreed to come back home to help care for the girls and moved half her clothes back. While my W was out, she didn't do anything to file paperwork or look into L or anything about a D.

In the beginning it was really awkward living together. She wouldn't even touch my clothes in the laundry. She would jump if I brushed against her, etc. And she kept telling me we were still separated.

Over time, she started lightening up. She actually brought all her clothes back. She does my laundry (I always did hers and mine) and even folds and puts them away. However there was no intimacy. Things came to a head about 7 weeks ago and I told her that I was her H and I was sick and tired of being treated like a sex offender by her when she was the one who cheated on me. I told her that I was fine to watch our Ds on my own and if she was that uncomfortable around me, then she should leave. It was a long talk and after it all, she sincerely thanked me for it. I was shocked to say the least.

That was the first 'civil' R talk we had had in over a year. I even brought up her EA which, in the past, she had gotten extremely defensive on and didn't want to discuss it, saying it was in the past. I kept telling her that she could never just bury something like that emotionally so quickly because she really felt like this guy was her soulmate.

We had another talk after that about 4 weeks ago in which I centered on her EA and all the things she was doing that lead up to it. She was surprised and told me she didn't realize she was doing all of that. She then told me that she "wanted to love me" but had absolutely no attraction for me so didn't want to spend time with me. I told her that it was because we didn't spend time together that we don't have the attraction and that's the Catch-22.

My W sees the world in black and white. You can only love one person in this world and that 's it. I see life in terms of gray, that you can love more than one person, however it is your choice to be with one and not cheat. About a month prior to her bomb, she asked me why I felt that it was possible to love more than one person and kepted bugging me about it. I told her it was just something i believed and that she wouldn't understand it because she didn't believe it. Well lo and behold I didn't know she was talking about me and OM. So I knew even up to then she had her doubts. But she was so smitten by him, her attraction was like a teenage student to her old professor. It reflected in her note when she wrote of him giving her wings, etc. It was so obvious why she fell for him, because she spent more time with him and there were no kids around. Plus I suspect he is also going through a MLC so of course he wants someone younger than him.

Now I know we had our problems. But the stuff she was saying was just not true, but she was convincing herself they were. Over the course of all this, I kept a journal and wrote down everything she said. I recently showed them to her and she was shocked and said she didn't remember saying any of those things. So I really think she's got some issues. Even to this day she has never apologized for anything. I think the closest thing I got was "I'm sorry you were hurt, but not sorry it happened." I mean WTH kind of an apology is that.

Today we are in a much better place. We had lunch alone for the first time four weeks ago (I invited) and the following night we watched tv together alone for the first time in over a year. She initiates kisses goodnight and goodbye which she never did until I told her about it. and there are times that she comes out of the fog long enough to act like my W of old. She still works with the OM although not directly with him. So she sees him several times a week. I do trust it when she says she keeps everything professional with him. Or at least try to. I've done my 180s and GAL. Now I'm trying to do something different in flirting with her and trying to get her attracted to me again by spending time together a few minutes before going to bed. Sometimes it's up sometimes it's down. But in all, I continue to write it all down and change my plan when she's not receptive to something.

So fast forward to today. We went out to see a movie without the kids for the first time in over a year this past weekend and while she had a look like she would run away at any time, we had a decent time together. But still a little awkward.

During the lunch, I gave her a belated Mother's Day gift of Mamma Mia tickets for this weekend. I'm planning to take her out to a really nice dinner and the show after. I told her I'm going into the evening with no expectations and that we should just have fun. And she just said okay. So we'll see how that goes.

Whew! That took alot longer than I thought. What has kept me going so far is alot of PATIENCE AND PRAYER.

Thanks for listening.