How do I not let this control my every thought?

[Travis]

kat,
how do you keep from being bitter? Is it time? This is my second marriage and I've almost forgot my first divorce. We were young, high school sweethearts, had a child. She decided I wasn't who I was in high school and wanted out. I put up with a lot of crap during it all. Lucky for me, my wife now and I got together soon thereafter. We shared through the turmoil together. She told me when I found out about OM that the boys would never be used against me during this no matter what happened. She remembers what it was like with my daughter and my first wife, because she was there, and guess what? Now she's doing it. Like I said, I put up with a lot with first wife because I felt like I would be able to look myself in the mirror every day and know I didn't stoop to her level. My daughter was only a year old. She didn't know what was going on. My boys now are 7 and almost 4. They are being messed up through all this and I try not to fight or argue with her about the boys, but it's my responsibility as a parent to stand up for them. I won't be pushed around as far as my sons are concerned. She can do whatever she wants to me, but they need to be left out of this. I can't make her understand. Maybe she just feels that's the only way she can hurt me now that she's gone. You'd think she'd have better things to do with her time.

[Sugar and Spice]

Travis, the bitterness is something that you work through and it goes away in time. I too obsessed and worried myself sick over something I ultimately had no control over and wasted a lot of time on what-if and maybe ifs.
As hard as it is, focus on you and your boys, only. Let your W go and live your life and be there for your kids. W is going to do whatever she is going to do and that is just the reality of it. If there was a way to stop it or make them see reason, we would have all been let in on it by now. She is all wrapped up in the A and the fog that comes with it, which she exhibits by giving no thought to anyone but herself.
If OMs children are a real and possible threat to the safety or well being of your sons, then steps should be taken to ensure that they are not placed in that sort of danger, have you discussed this with your atty?
I wish I had some better advice to give you, but what has been said by the wonderful people before me holds true.
Focus on you and the kids. Don't pursue her or try to engage her in any type of conversation other than your boys. Is there anyway you could talk to your boys at her Dad's, without having to speak to her? Have you looked into a temporary custody agreement that would include practice/games? Would she be more willing to allow him to play if you would pick up and return son or is it more of a control game?

[Kimmie Lee]

OMG, I just hate game-playing women. And she's dragging your kids around OM. Ick!

I'm glad you lawyered up right away because you need a visitation plan set.

[kat727]

Time heals everything. You can't have someone else heal you, but you do need to work on yourself to help the healing.

I did all the begging, crying, guilt stuff, the I feel as if I am disposable...on and on. I am sure all I did was make him feel like sh^t and pushed him away. I didn't find this site until 3 months after the divorce was filed. I am sure that it would have made an impact at an earlier date. Could I have saved my marriage? I will never know. It has been nearly 3 years ago that I found out about OW and he is still in La-La land. Would I take him back if he all of sudden snapped out of it? No. I have moved past him.

The man I married, had children with and loved has died. I don't want to know the alien walking around in his body because really he isn't very nice. He is still very self-absorbed.

You will get to where you are going in your own time. There is no correct answer as to "How long does it take?" Everyone is different. Just stay true to what you believe and grow stronger with each passing day.

kat

[Sugar and Spice]

Truer words were never spoken Kat.

Like the Wicked Witch of the West says..."All in good time, my pretty. All in good time."

[Kimmie Lee]

Yeah, but sometimes there's nothing like dropping a house on a wicked witch to put things right with the world.....

[kat727]

Yeah, my snarky Corey is back!! Yes all in good time. I hope you don't mind the Kansas reference.

kat

[Travis]

Just had a great night with my boys. Had my "focus on kids class" which is required in Missouri when you get a D and kids are involved. Got my boys from my WAW and went on a bike ride on a trail. My ex-boss has a daughter a year younger than my youngest son and we all went on a ride together. Came back and had some ice cream. Youngest cried because he couldn't come home with Dad tonight. Sucks!
My oldest informed me tonight when I asked him if he was excited about tomorrow being his last day of school tomorrow that Mom said he didn't have to go. She's told me and teachers and everyone that he's going to a new school next year (conveniently in the same town where OM lives) and she's not even going to let him say good-bye to his friends.
I took a new job two months before bomb and had talked about moving family to new town. Oldest son said he didn't want to switch schools ever. I only mentioned moving and it was only 30 minutes away. We live in a rural community. During our discussions before she left, my wife always brought up how mad it made her that I mentioned switching schools to my son. Now she's moving him (if she gets the custody that she wants). It just pisses me off how she thinks about no one but herself anymore. I've learned on here that is a common issue with WAW's, but it doesn't make it any easier. If she gets her way, my son will never see his best friend and other friends again and she tells him he doesn't have to go his last day. Am I overreacting?

[kat727]

I don't think so. I am dealing with a somewhat similiar issue so right now I am not the best one to give advise about it. I also know how important it is to feel that you are being heard, so I am dropping you this line.

Are you already taliking to an attorney? I hate that the WAS feels that they can do whatever they want without a thought to the other parent. Check this out, I am sure you can get something in place.

kat

[sandycay]

I don't get why the women always get to walk away with the kids. Why can't you do what she did and bring them home and let them visit her.. at her dad's.

i hate that the system is so biases against fathers. My dad being one of them. I just don't know why some women think it's their right to jerk kids out of there home instead of leaving them there and taking off themselves.

Sorry.... gggrrrrrr rant over

Travis,

I hope you are saving these emails to your wife.

It's amazing how they person changes isnt' it.... they can change back though.... but detachment for you is good at this point.

Take Care