Only thing I didn't like is that he announced he wasn't staying long so he could go to a meeting. Really it was about not wanting to spend too much time with me because I don't want him back yet.
Kass,
Don't try and second guess reasons for the things people say. Unless he SPECIFICALLY told you that, it is only supposition on your behalf and you may be totally wrong. It serves no purpose unless you want to feel worse about yourself.
I think that he is trying very hard at things and he is finding it difficult. You know Kass, reconciliation isn't about everyday being brilliant and full of sunshine, it's about 100% commitment from both sides to working at things. I do feel that you are BOTH getting closer to that.
Only thing I didn't like is that he announced he wasn't staying long so he could go to a meeting. Really it was about not wanting to spend too much time with me because I don't want him back yet.
Kassie I actually think this is a good thing and it's not because he doesn't want to spend time with you. Right now his recovery HAS to be number 1. I only say this is that without it the M will NEVER work nor will his LIFE. I know this is very hard for you but it will get better. The more comfortable he gets with himself the more comfortable he'll be around you, he's rediscovering himself.
Me:40 W: 39 T: 17 years M: 15 years S-9 D-6 D final 11/10/2009
"We are all faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as insoluble problems."
Yeah, from what I hear those meetings have to be a priority. No missing. Don't take it personally. I would be thrilled if my exh were in recovery, attending meetings, and wanting to R. Sounds like your H gets scared and worried about rejection from you and sticks his own flag in the sand. Maybe he is worried how he will cope with rejection or just a bad day without alcohol. They use the alcohol as such a crutch that it must be scary for them without it.
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
Maybe he is worried how he will cope with rejection or just a bad day without alcohol. They use the alcohol as such a crutch that it must be scary for them without it.
That is 100% true, it's very scary at first which is why the meetings are so important.
Me:40 W: 39 T: 17 years M: 15 years S-9 D-6 D final 11/10/2009
"We are all faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as insoluble problems."
Well everyone as a matter of fact I did know that his reason for cutting our time short was in fact related to my decision to wait a year.
He called me after the meeting to apologize and explain further. He said that he gets all messed up when he gets his hopes up of being together and then it doesn't happen. He said he gets messed up and wants to protect himself so that he doesn't relapse.
He went on to explain how it hurts him that I don't want him back yet because it reminds him of all the damage he has caused and the hurt he has inflicted on me and others. He wanted me to know that his being distant and cold was just a protection and not evident of how he really feels about me.
I accepted his explanation and said I understood.
Today he was in a good mood said he was feeling good about himself (he has these days about once a week now). And because of that I guess he started to bug me about changing my decision or at least be open to the idea of changing it. Said he would like to spend more time together while he is working on his recovery. Then the really "low blow" was - after all none of my recovery would have happened if it weren't for you and the way you have stood by me or the way you have given me feedback about my behavior. (not sure if I should feel I am being manipulated or not)
My response yesterday and today is to remain even keel and pay close attention to how I feel. It would actually be easier to say it is ok to move back in Aug - which I did say a few weeks ago - and then still go through the quitting stuff when he doesn't like what I say or do. Just look back at my posts recently and you can see that it just keeps going. Altho, he did say he is changing that behavior.
Which brings up other memories of the past three years and we all know how that turned out. I am really afraid of revisiting those memories all over again. I want to acknowledge his effort but I am terrified. That is why I wanted more than a few months.
I am sorry he is impatient. It wasn't overnight that got you into this mess...it won't be overnight that it goes away.
I noticed about Volleydog being in recovery Kass! Great for you Volleydog! I am proud. I am dealing with an active alcoholic as well and could use some input as well.
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
I think I agree with you that reconciliation isn't always peaches'n cream. I guess I thought from reading other's threads that it was that way. The real deal is the grunt work and the repair work.
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
