New day...new thread...

[25yearsmlc]

A&K,

Honey, you might need a helmet now b/c I have a few 2 x 4s coming your way now...you said you have "bigger fish to fry" than making him pay the bills. You are inserting yourself as the nagging middleman who gets to beg and pressure him...how's that working out for you? And What's bigger than the financial security of your children right now? Oh, wait, I know. Your fear of being alone. Your abandonment issues are the biggest thing going on here, imho. I think Your fear of abandonment is ruling you.

Interesting about your early behavior w/ h. It was working, so why'd you quit it? He was so uncomfortable with your relative unavailability & you stopped your 180s, That is a FLAG to me.

Specific advice...
I would stay dark with him. When he has the kids, BE GONE. Have things to do and places to go. Let him deal with being a Disneyland daddy. If he asks you to stick around, don't be able to do so at first at all, and without advance notice, IF AT ALL, and then IF YOU WANT TO, tell him to arrange something fun for the whole family b/c you're not going to babysit him while he "parents" his own kids. That's just weird b/c how on earth can YOU possibly move on with your own life and career if he sabotages you this way? So The rare times he's available to be with the kids, you have to watch him watch them? What?? Sooo you can't ever make a move without his permission, or at any personal cost to him? Why are YOU letting this happen in your life? These are choices YOU are making as well as your h...

You talk about your dread of divorce and childhood issues a lot but to me, this is plain old fear along with huge self esteem issues FOR YOU. (We'll stipulate that your h has major baggage....major). And maybe he'll work on those issues of his, and maybe he won't... but you said he is "reachable" and will go to c, but what he said was that he went for YOUR stuff, not his. How reachable is that? Oh, it's not. It's total lack of insight on his part and lack of accountability for change or the need for it. As for your own childhood issues, don't you find it curious that you chose THIS type of man as your mate? I'm not bashing you but can you see that the lifestyle you have helped to actually create for your children, seems to be mirroring the instability YOU had as a child? Do you see the pattern?

I'm a big believer in c when the patient is ready to change themselves. Seems to me you went for your h to "see the light" and you wanted instructions from the c on that topic. That does not happen anymore if it ever did. If you want that, try a pastor or priest. When I read your comments about how Unhelpful it has been for you to get therapy, it struck me. True, my h and I went as a couple to a few and none seemed to make a difference to my h, until much later, (after he wanted it to work and made that quite clear). Your h does not want to change. Anyhow, I felt a semi-false note in something you said about how useless they were to you. B/C to me what you really want from a c, and maybe from this site, is something you know in your head cannot happen - yet you cling almost a bit childishly to it...and that is you want us (or someone) to tell you how to fix your H.You want us to show you how to change him. YOU CANNOT CHANGE HIM....(read that again and out loud for emphasis. Not sure you believe it.) Yes you can change yourself, and when one person in a two person R changes, the R changes by definition. So all you can do is what we've all been saying: Focus on you. GAL. For you.

I don't know if you are in some sort of psychological cycle wherein you are recreating your childhood but this time, your daddy won't leave you...or what...but it's not working. It is also unhealthy for you and it's not at all what will bring about the very thing you say you want for your kids. Do you really think clinging to this M the way it is now, is actually a likely way to get the dream family life you wanted, and have "persistently pursued"? The frequent poll taking, requests for yet more opinions on exactly what to say on each little facet of the R is part of this cycle. One statement won't ruin your M. It has taken a lot of crazy enabling to get here.

I will hear you gain some important insights one day, but then you backpedal when you realize how dysfunctional something sounds in your own sitch. You cover and explain for him, or simply don't go there if the topic reveals too much of what you have really been enduring. I understand that. But I also see through it.
I'm here to help YOU, and maybe your M will be helped as a byproduct. But DBing is not about saving marriages at all costs, and even if it were, there would be many that are simply not salvageable. I am not saying your m is hopeless, but I am going out on a limb and saying that your M as it is today, is not worth saving. I'm so very sorry to say that, but deep down you know this is true. I think you have one of those situations that requires a walking away by YOU before your h will awaken, if he's able to at all. THIS SITCH, this M you have and his behaviors have to stop and he won't stop it himself. He can't or won't. Does not matter which! Does not matter why!

He told you he wants to do what he wants; he is acting like a single man who has kids from a "previous relationship"....Sometimes he calls and sometimes he does not, sometimes he stays away, unless he feels like coming to your place, whenever he feels like it, and vulgarly asks for one sided sex... and you put up with this endlessly, and you worry about finances, so that I'm left wondering what the hell you are getting out of this M at all? There is no security of any kind, financial emotional, physical, etc. What you may have had in the past is no longer. Stop remembering that for now. It only confuses as it keeps you from dealing with what IS.

And If a behavior is not acceptable, stop accepting it! (You asked a man here on this site, this question: "how can I make h see that his behavior is unacceptable?" And the man said "by action"....) I think you already knew the answer to that question and it made me sad to see it in writing from you.

Fixating on him and what will fix or change him is such a waste of energy that could be better spent elsewhere. Like with your kids, or on your future. What would you be doing with your life if you weren't spending all your time on him?

What do you make of your decision making and follow through? I mean, you've been told the same thing by different people and you often express agreement. But then days later the same issue is raised. Maybe if you can explain why you stopped being dark in the first place, in light of how well it seemed to be going, would be a good start for you to ask yourself. Then we can figure out the part about lack of follow through.

I would love to know you are seeing a good c or getting DB coaching, despite your dim views of T's and C's. Or maybe you could see a life coach. I'm not being sarcastic. It's just that you are going in so many directions and spinning your wheels, and by far putting most of your energy on trying to fix HIM and not you. And you can't change him. And you won't accept that. So you think you are stuck. But you know, you do have choice in this. As scary as that sounds, It's time to exercise some choice, or forever lose the ability to live your own life or give your kids what you say you wanted for them. Stop letting fear of abandonment rule your life. Ironically, it creates the very thing you fear the most.

Keep posting and try hard to listen and follow through with choices you make. When something works, don't stop it, and when something does not work, don't continue it. DB 101. Enforce the boundaries. How? With action. Yes that is scary. But so is your m and it's direction right now. You need to wake up sweetie. All the advice you want to give others...but won't take yourself. Why? You're taking scraps from his table and seeing "improvement"....really?

And then to say that the C's and T's are useless. You're right, they're useless. They cannot change your H. They can help YOU change, if you want to. That's what they're for, and that's a choice for you to make too. Lots and lots of choices you have...but you have to make them, and stick with them. We'll support you in that. Just don't stay stuck so long. It's killing you, your kids are not safer this way or more secure and I even think your h is worse off this way.

Last but not least at all, DB 101-- GAL. Really. For you for once.

((( j )))