Well, as I suspected the unpaid electricity bill was just another bait H had thrown to upset me. Once I calmly suggested a solution he let go off all his pent up emotion and we had the first decent talk for many months.
And the best part was I just listened and validated what he had to say.
Not all the time, but as much as I could which was a huge 180 for overly defensive me.
The worst part is that he wants us to separate. And he refuses to leave the family home;he wants me to leave.
But anyway.
I listened. And I heard how hurt he is and deeply, deeply angry. Oh and it did not surprise me that he utterly blames me for everything. I listened and said "I know you`re really hurt. I can see how angry you are" I did not apologise for taking him to court for physically intimidating me thoug I can see how that has hurt him I needed to protect me and the kids from his anger and he needs to deal with his anger; i did not do it out of revenge. But I didn`t say any of that;just acknowledged that he was hurt.
He said I was a hard woman with no vulnerablities. I know that`s not true but I did not defend myself. I said I was sorry that I did not appreciate the good times when we had them but instead that I complained too much during those times. I said yes, you are right I am too perfect, I want always to be the one who is right and yes, I did not listen to you enough.
He went on and one-maybe 40 minutes-a lot for him. He even said in that time that we should tell the children then and there that we were separating but I said we couldn`t land it on them just like that.
You know, I don`t know if we will separate-any more than we already are that is. He won`t go and I`m not going to push him out. I won`t go and I espect he may throw more barbs at me to make me go or to upset me.
I can`t believe he had finally spoken though. I told him I was glad he shared his thoughts that I hadnt seen things from his perspective. I broke up the discussion by saying I better go see to the kids-who were downstairs at this time.
This morning he was a teensy bit softer-did say `goodbye` when leaving and did tell me where he was going tonight when he was heading out.
Teensy, weensy bit of progress there.We`re both in a stuck place though. I`m going to let the land lie and chill for a while. Hope he won`t throw another barb for a couple of days, keep my LRT going(thanks Michelle, I think its really shifting something here!). I know my tone was softer, sadder lessconfident than usual this evening, Not deliberately so but maybe that`s the vulnerable place I need to show without begging, whining or looking for R talk.
