Sounds to me like he tried to 'fix it' on his own (calling her to get closure). He wanted to take care of it, bury it, leave it done. Then you found out.
Yes, it is disturbing. Yes, it brings up memories.
But you said yourself it was only a couple of months ago you noticed the REAL change, the REAL breakthrough. That is probably when he finally did 'get it'...
A book I got called "After the Affair" (recommended by our MC at the time), says that once you reach a point of reconciliation, you may continue to face reminders of the past. For example, you may go to balance the checkbook and find a receipt that came from a dinner H had with the ow. It happened in the past, is not part of life today, but it floods you with the memories/feelings. You can either dwell on that, or remember that you are together NOW and that was THEN. (Just an example from the book.)
In this case, he DID lie to you. You said no-contact and he broke that promise. However, there seem to have been some major changes/developments in the past few months that would indicate that his relationship with her IS in the past, over and done.
So you will have to decide what is right for you, but it sounds like this happened before he 'got it'...maybe you could give him the benefit of the doubt?
I would say he is feeling angry at himself that he lied and let you down again. But your reacting (and I do it too!) probably has him thinking, "The rest of my life she is going to doubt me. I will never win. I keep screwing this up." Is that how it will be?
