Your list of goals is great. There is a lot of reason to have hope in your sitch though I do think moving to your family home is not a bad idea. Why? Well, I'm a veteran (JAG Corps--lawyer) as is my h (MD) and we are used to moving. Your kids can handle it at this age quite well AND they'd be happy to be near family. Plus your H isn't that chained to where he is now anyhow AND probably would love a move. It's not as if his career depends on him being in that place. AND there is no outwardly heinous behavior from him. So I'm hopeful.
But yeah, you might have to go dark on him, or make plans for the moving, etc. Do you think he'll stay in the military? In one sense that's great as it's very easy to ensure he pays his obligations and the kids will always have health care coverage. And you'll get custody b/c he'll have to be deployable.
He sounds depressed and in need of c. But it's like a crossword puzzle you cannot solve for him so don't hover around trying to help him with it. As I've posted elsewhere, Be a woman only a fool would leave.Think of who and how you were when he fell in love with you and also, think of things you have put off doing b/c you were "tied" down or married and start doing them(minus the parts about other men...)
And last, don't project other people's M problems into yours. Your sitch is better than most. AND Don't let others project their situations onto yours either. No, you're not "safe;" and no one here is. To even get here, something is seriously wrong in a M.
But I don't think your M doomed by any means. He does need space. And 2 hours is no big deal for either one of you to travel to make an effort with the kids, which MAY lead to a "date" on occasion down the road. Do not pursue. Be mysterious. He thinks, I believe, that he has "fallen out" of love as if there is no choice in the matter. But love is at least in part, a CHOICE. Not sure where you are in CA but there are places in between to meet for small family trips. MAYBE you'll have to let him have one or two "daddy visits" without you, or more. Let him miss you. Start the GAL of your own. Detach big time. Thank God he isn't saying he doesn't care.
What he IS saying needs to be strongly validated. His putting you guys first is huge (and IF you do divorce, catch him when he's feeling that way.) Validate that he is not being selfish as far as being a provider and acknowledge how much better that makes you feel about things. (Also, you will need to start visualizing life without him in a positive light b/c it MAY come to that, temporarily or permanently. You need to do this as part of GAL and not let terror rule your choices. You do have choices. No matter what, you will survive this).
Yes DBing seems harder when they're away BUT then again the changes are easier to notice when you are not in their face every day and OH by the way, YOUR life will be easier without him always around. Keep up the 180's and watch for what happens and give it LOTS more time. Read Brandnewday's timeline or see mine below, or AmyCee's. It is not a fast process but your h has said some crucially important and positive things.
Even if there is an OW (and I'm not saying there is) at least she's not important enough to him to mention AND for whatever he's dealing with, he does NOT blame you....OMG put that in the record book!. That makes....4 WAS's this year, out of 456789??...of course, a Russian author once said that "Guilt in a man turns into anger and when they feel guilt, they attack"....so don't flip out if that happens. Just don't fuel any negative justifications he may come up with. And he may well start that as his guilt eats away at him. And obviously, don't think guilting him will be an effective tool for changing him for the better. It almost always builds resentment and backfires on you. FYI, God knows I tried. Lesson learned...
Good luck, you are in the right place, given the givens. Oh, btw, hire a DB coach by phone and get some sessions asap. They cost some, but of all the things I did to help stay M, and I did a lot, that would be the ONE thing I'd do if I could only do one. And come here and read and read and post and if you get good advice, TAKE IT.
(( j ))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
