It seems impossible to fight for your marriage when you are the only one fighting.
You said it and I completely agree!
You can only work on yourself and it is up to the other one to choose to see what you've done, who you are, and where you want to be.
Kalni's H is slow to move and completely caught up in his own stuff to even think about her and her needs.
Until then, Sunshine will have to figure out when she's had enough.
It does indeed take two as one can only go as far as midfield and extend a hand. It is up to the other one at that point to decide whether or not to make the effort to come together.
Kalni has been sitting at midfield w/her hand outstretched for quite some time and I'm not sure if H has even left the back end line.
Well I had a one sided convo with H today. He called and talked to the kids and I was very calm and sweet and asked him if he can listen to me. He said he could but he couldnt talk. I said that's exactly what I wanted.
It was a very DB like talk. Calm, confident, said all the things I wanted to tell him,I did show some emotion but that was on purpose and very sweetly ended the call.
I told him that after our meeting on Friday I have been thinking a lot about what he told me. That I understand that he is in a bad place at work and he knows as well as I do, that I would be able to help him if we were together like partners help each other, pitty that we arent . I said I sense his frustration and all but since we were supposed to talk about us, I wanted to say somethings also after I listened to what he had to say because his priorities arent my priorities as well.
I told him that my idea of reconciliation was different. I expected to feel emotion, see effort, make progress together towards a "better place". What I got was a man for reasons he only knows and doesnt share with me, that treated me as an obligation and duty but not as someone he loves. I said that alone is insulting and I've tried to understand any hidden reasons for his behavior but havent still figured it out.
I told him that he borderlines sadistic behavior towards me, not caring about my timeline, my emotional state, the 2 years I have been dealing with the consequences of his decision to leave our marriage. That he seems to overlook that I was left behind, had to take care of the kids (emotionally), myself, finances, had to deal with his affair, his distant behavior etc etc and that these 2 years are my limit.
I told him that what he said he thinks he can offer isnt enough for me and if he believes that to tell me so because I need a lot more. I told him that in the past he has made me happy and he was giving even if now he thinks he cant. And since I know that, I remember that, I think he CHOOSES not to give because he doesnt feel like it. He said I shouldnt blame him for questioning himself about it. I replied I dont blame him but I need to know once and for all what he has to offer and if he insists what I get now is his best then I have to pass. I said 2 years ago, I was living with this and probably would have been living like this until now but after what I have been through, I choose not to go back to that kind of relationship and he should forget the standards we had in the past. I made clear, I am not going to accept living "alone with him" for the kids. I said that is a decision I have made and I am sticking to it.
He said it seems he is only making mistakes. I replied that if he generalises things to weaken my arguements (I used examples) I wont follow his lead. I asked him to tell me things he feels good about and I was willing to listen. He didnt say anything.
I said, I realise this is a bad timing for you, but it is a bad timing for me too. That these last months it has all been about his schedule, his work, his issues and now it is time for me to think about mine. I said that I want us to move forward and to me we either share the same dream of a relationship and marriage and go for it or we divorce and I will be his friend anyway and help him anyway I can as a friend. I said I dont want to set deadlines because it feels wrong but soon is not soon enough for me. Asked him to think about it, put himself in my shoes and he will realise that 2 years is more than enough and he should come to me with a clear position so that I can decide based on that.
I thanked him, said good gye and ended the call.
He still is self absorved, I once told him he acts selfishly and I really cant believe how he can miss my "burden" thru all this and he laughed.
I feel better. The message was clear even if how I written it doesnt sound so. Committement or divorce, now. If he cant make himself to be my husband he knows what I choose. So, he actually has to make a decision. I made a point to say that what we decide now, we should follow through. This is no game. And I have been more than patient and understanding. K
<< Committement or divorce, now. K, This I can buy!
<< It seems impossible to fight for your marriage when you are the only one fighting. And this too!!
My response to Bill needs to be much more comprehensive. Maybe FG will beat me to it. But I don't care too much for the emphasis on "settling" and the idea that you need to be ending it with the idea there's "someone else out there much better for you" - these too themes are too easy to follow and they detract from "committment".
Now he will make a decision and you will finally have a direction.
No wonder it feels good to you...you finally are on track to have a clear idea of what is going on and where you are going.
Good job on the the talk - the only thing I'd say is to make sure your comments are "I statements" instead of "you statements" so he doesn't get defensive. You may have done that w/him, but if not, try to say "I think..." instead of "you did..." and he may respond better. Again, just thoughts.
Overall, I'm proud of the step you took today and the fact you were calm, in control and an advocate for yourself and your needs.
Now the waiting until his "decision" comes down. Let's hope he's man enough to see what he'd be throwing away.
Now he will make a decision and you will finally have a direction.
No wonder it feels good to you...you finally are on track to have a clear idea of what is going on and where you are going.
Good job on the the talk - the only thing I'd say is to make sure your comments are "I statements" instead of "you statements" so he doesn't get defensive. You may have done that w/him, but if not, try to say "I think..." instead of "you did..." and he may respond better. Again, just thoughts.
Overall, I'm proud of the step you took today and the fact you were calm, in control and an advocate for yourself and your needs.
Now the waiting until his "decision" comes down. Let's hope he's man enough to see what he'd be throwing away.
fb2, I dont think "it is all rosy if I divorce H". I've said it before, divorced women with kids in Greece are a taboo so I am looking at a very lonely life ahead, my dream of growing old with someone won't look very probable. Also, financialy even, I found out today he is making almost 4 times what I make which means "settling" would be good for my stress levels and for someone (smarter I guess) could be a good motive. I am not that smart
I didnt say "now". I said soon, like yestreday but didnt put a knife at his neck. I know he is slow, I cant wait for another...hour , LOL!! no I mean I can wait for a few weeks if I know this is it...
Rob, I tried to use the "I" statement. Only time I used You was when he said something stupid about "constantly compromising" and I asked him for an example and he went back to prebomb era and still couldnt find one. That's when I said "I am shocked you dont realise how self absorved you've been all along and how much I have respected your timing, stop being so selfish and try for once to understand when I am saying I had enough". I think he got it
imlost, I didnt get offended by your suggestion. I have thought of that also, I just cant get myself to date people just to date people, even if it is strictly platonic. Attention here? Hmmm, I thik you did get that wrong. If you mean, a fairytale, then you are right, but not here, NYC...
Bbj, I have read about that also. I think it actually worked in the past with H. But for him to see other people noticing me, we would have to go out together... K
Hey K.. do you read the realastrologers? I like them...I read it and thought of you, it starts...
"Weekly Forecast May 18: New Moon in Gemini This week is about communications, whether looking backwards or forward, at the big picture or the trivial, the spiritual or the mundane. It could come as a flood of words or deafening silence that tells you everything you need to know..."
K, It is not rosy anywhere for men or women - we are fooling ourselves with this fairy tale "happily ever after". I think I gave you this example before: suppose you had the fairy tale passionate superior man and he got paralyzed from the neck down before he's even 40?
You are not perfect and you are the first to admit that! But I think you are very smart and loving - there's a lot more to smartness than how much salary one earns. You know that the communication dynamic sucked and you contributed to it to some extent and which is why H withdrew. Models and techniques like "the 4 horsemen", "I messages", "sorry you feel that way" are all empty without commitment! So I'm glad you are saying "commit to work on things" or else ... I wish more of us did this when the first red flag went up. And remember you have some of your own issues too so its going to be hard work for you too.
I see some things coming in the way here: (1) Most of the opinions expressed on these boards are very "American" where marriages have become so disposable and the society is quite sick as a result of the "me-ness". You live in Greece where there are other customs and traditions. Like divorce is taboo, it is probably also traditional for the man to be the bread winner and the women to stay home with the kids. (2) It is natural for you to want to feel empathy and support from your friends here but its keeping you stuck because each time you complain it gets amplified a lot and reinforces negativity. (3) Your H is not posting here.
I am trying to get you to think much more positively of your H. From what you've said he's generous to you with money, he care's enough to come by and take the children out at least once a week, he pays the school fees, he hasn't exactly abandoned you, he cares for your opinion on his work, you've said he loves you, to him you are still his "wife", you often say he is a "good man", "Married for 8 years, Together 12-13", ... please add to the list of what you genuinely admire about him and let him know too.
I'm writing this in a hurry so excuse by carelessness.
. I said I sense his frustration and all but since we were supposed to talk about us, I wanted to say somethings also after I listened to what he had to say because his priorities arent my priorities as well.
