WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 9

[confusedinpa]

volleydog mirrors what I said.

I think you are moving too fast and in fact haven't stopped letting her go. Aside from a day or two, there hasn't been a time over the four weeks that you've left her alone.

You can say that it was her initiating contact, but you keep calling her back and have these long conversations.

I'll put it this way. If you and her were having a perfect life and communicating and getting along great, why did she leave the house? She's still using you as a security blanket and hasn't had to face the harsh realities of "why" she wanted to leave in the first place.

You can say that it's because she was busy with the move, but I don't think so. Most of our WAWs get settled within the first couple of days. She either doesn't want to face what her problem is or isn't ready for that yet. That's why giving her space is really important.

"Now I'm just not sure how to get my wife back....."

I think in every post you say this in one way or another. That's not a way to GAL. That's your ultimate goal as it is with all of us. Put that on the backburner and build your life.

Stuck808,

I have been letting go on my end. Aside from today, I hadn't initiate calling her nor called her back. The only time I did call her would be to say goodnite to the boys and when she got on the phone, I would try to end the conversation quickly by saying goodnite to her as well. Even last Friday nite, she called me about an hour after she called to say goodnite to the boys. For all the "long" conversations, she was the one who called.

I know that I backslid into some pursuing behavior today, I called her as well as asking about lunch again. She had actually called me twice and we talked before I called her today.

I'm not sure what's gotten me so rattled today. I'm even posting a lot more today, than I had in a couple of weeks (my last thread lasted almost 2 weeks longer than the previous before it got locked).

Maybe it's the child support hearing that I was summoned for, or it was the call I got from my 3 year old in tears asking me to bring him home after baseball (which my wife agreed to). Maybe it was during last nite's call my son asked my wife to come back home. Or maybe I let myself fall for the glimmer of hope that my wife gave by saying that she wanted to find her own therapist before we go to marriage counseling again (I know, I shouldn't believe what a WAW says). It was just a lot of emotions to deal with.

Last Friday was the first time she gave any indication where she feels like she has to do something about our situation. When she said that she needs to be able to deal with moving on and figure out how not to feel hurt when she sees me, it gave me some hope that she is starting to look upon herself.

I had thought we had a perfect life, but she didn't. She said, in her typical indirect manner, that she was hurt that I neglected her. In prior conversations, she had said she didn't understand how someone can say they love tehm and treat them so cruelly. That's one of the reasons she gave that she left, that she couldn't deal with seeing the person who hurt her everyday to be reminded of the hurt as she hadn't been able to let go of the hurt.

Perhaps she sees that I'm changing and wants to give it another try but just can't stop feeling hurt or let go of the past. Who knows. Only she does. I'm sure I'm making the Friday conversation into something much more than what it was.

That's why I'm trying to get refocused, with help from the people here, on making me the best CIPA I can be.

Thanks for the 2x4