In the quoted part of her email, she is baring her soul to you. She is admitting that her personal development has stopped because she doesn't feel she can grow as a person within the marriage, because she didn't get a chance to do it before getting married. She is afraid that will hurt your feelings and make you feel like she didn't want to marry you, which isn't what she's saying. She is saying that she didn't follow the proper order of her own development by getting married so young, and now she's paying the price for it.
THAT, I do see. I'm just not seeing where that equates to anything about "effort on the part of (my) W to improve (my) sex life."
Certainly there is some projection, but I've made no secret that I'm drawing on my own past experience. As for kink, I have plenty of that? But, desperation? Happily that is all in the past.
And, I'm pretty sure Puppy is quite able to stand up for himself.
Again - Puppy - she BELIEVES that she has to be single to experience this...because she has grown to believe she cannot experience it with you.
Not sure why you can't see this is about sex, as well as personal development. She is quite aware that she needs personal development and SEX IS A PART OF YOUR PERSONAL DEVELOPMENT.
Um, are you rewriting history? W approached you FIRST via email and was very open and vulnerable:
"[kid talk deleted...] I also told her that down the road we mentioned renewing our vows. She said that right now we should work on the relationship and the issues we have. If we are able to iron things out and make this work, then we can renew our vows. She said this would fall into the "giving false hope" category. She also said not to confuse "romance (the renewing of our vows), with working on our issues to try to save our marriage. This all makes a lot of sense to me.
I have to tell you that since we talked and got some things off our chests, that there was this feeling of relief. Since then suddenly reality has set in, and I've gotten fearful. I know this might not make sense to you, or maybe it does. E verytime we say we are going to try again. Then, it all goes back to the way it was when neither one of us was happy. But the time before we decide to try again, the stress of the mediator, etc., is so extremely stressful and sad, that I always say I could never go through it again, and yet we do. I'm scared, really scared. Can you understand how I feel? Maybe you feel the same. What are some of the feelings you have felt since we talked?"
You then replied in a pretty curt/shut down way. But then you replied again-- yes you did open yourself up in a very loving way, but you also threw around the morally heavy be a good wife/mother stuff pretty well too...
She then replied with another open and loving email. Related to your SL:
(Puppy),
REASSURANCE OF HER LOVE: First of all I have to tell you how much it meant to me to know how much you really love me. Through all of the garbage we've been through, sometimes it's easy to forget that part. I do feel the bond that you also feel. I guess that bond is what keeps us coming back to this. The bond that just won't allow us to call it quits. Yes, I think there is a little fear mixed in, but if we didn't love each other, there wouldn't be a bond at all.
DISCUSSION OF HER LACK OF SEXUAL IDENTITY AND INABILITY TO FIND IT IN THE WIFE/MOTHER ROLE AND HER FEAR OF GIVING UP THE POSSIBILITY OF EVER HAVING A HOT SEX LIFE BY GOING BACK TO THE WIFE/MOTHER ROLE: I want to explain the "fear' I said I have. We talked the other night at (restaurant), and we mentioned how I went from living with my parents to getting married and living with you. I have NEVER had time to find out who (wife's first name) really is. I was, (wife's first name), the daughter who lived at home, to becoming, (wife's first name) the wife, and then (wife's first name) the mother. I missed going away to college and living on my own and learning what it's like to just be "me". I feel like that is the part that causes my restless nature. [WANTING A HOT SEX LIFE] It has nothing to do with not loving you, but everything to do with trying to find myself. [WHICH I CAN'T DO SEXUALLY IN MY REPRESSED WIFE MOTHER ROLE] When kids go away to school, they really learn what they are made of and learn so many of life's lessons. It helps them to grow and become the person they are to be someday. It teaches them confidence. When they are finally ready to comitt to someone in marriage, they are truly ready to give up the single life and live alongside someone. I wish so bad that I had gone away when I was younger, or lived by myself for awhile. [I'M AFRAID I TOTALLY MISSED THE CHANCE TO DEVELOP A SEXUAL IDENTITY] Maybe it wouldn't be coming back to haunt me now. Although divorce was scarey, I have to admit that I was looking forward to being a single person so that I could experience what I didn't when I was younger (and I was also sad because I didn't want to be away from you and at times the kids). [I HATE THE IDEA OF GIVING UP WIFE/MOTHER BUT WAS LOOKING FORWARD TO SEXUAL FREEDOM] I'm totally letting things all out to you here [I'M BEING AS DIRECT AS I CAN AND IT SCARES ME], so I hope you don't take it personally or get upset by what I say in this email [PLEASE DON'T MAKE THIS ALL ABOUT YOUR MALE SEXUAL EGO]. (Puppy), what scares the hell out of me, is that while I do love you, and I love our family and don't want to split up the family, I honestly don't know if I will ever NOT feel like this. [I AM TERRIFIED THAT YOU AND I ARE SEXUALLY INCOMPATIBLE AND THAT YOU CAN NEVER BE THE LOVER I NEED TO HAVE A GREAT SEX LIFE] If I don't have the "experience" I missed long ago, and never truly find out who I am, will I ever feel content and happy? [I WON'T BE HAPPY WITHOUT A HOT SEX LIFE] Or will this feeling just continue to creep in and once again show its ugly head? [IS THERE ANY HOPE OF A HOT SEX LIFE WITH YOU IN THE FUTURE?] Maybe a counselor can help me to get a handle on these feelings, I don't know. [I'M TAKING ALL THE BLAME HERE TO PROTECT YOU.]
[kid stuff]
Regarding the renewal of vows. I have thought long and hard about it, and I personally would like to hold off on that. I just don't feel I'm emotionally ready to do that yet. Perhaps after I've met with a counselor I might feel different. But if we decide to do that, I want to feel 100% ready. That is not something I would take lightly. This doesn't mean I'm not committed to working on our marriage, because I am. I just don't feel that I'm ready for that step yet. [I DON'T KNOW IF WE CAN HAVE ANYTHING OTHER THAN A SSM AND I WON'T LIVE LIKE THAT ANYMORE] I also believe that before we even know if things are going to work out for us [SEX], renewing our vows would send a message that everything is great with the kids. I don't want to lead them along or god forbid crush them IF things don't work out between us. I hope you understand. I need to be in a better place emotionally before I can do that with all my heart. If things work out maybe we can renew our vows in connection with our 25th wedding anniversary. [I WANT THINGS TO WORK OUT, I HAVE AMAZING ROMANTIC THOUGHTS ABOUT US]
(Puppy), we've been together a long, long time. Every memory has us in it. It's not easy to give up on that which is probably why we haven't completely thrown in the towel. We are the best of friends, and I do enjoy being with you. I just hope and pray that we can fix this [NAMELY OUR SEX LIFE]. [PLEASE HELP ME MAKE THIS WORK--I AM TRYING TO REACH OUT TO YOU AND TELL YOU THAT I NEED TO BE A HOT SEXY DIRTY GIRL WHO HAS GREAT SEX AND ENJOYS IT AUTHENTICALLY BUT I REALLY WANT TO DO THAT WITH YOU]
[REASSURANCE]I love you, [I WANT TO CRAVE TO F YOU] (Wife)
She is quite aware that she needs personal development and SEX IS A PART OF YOUR PERSONAL DEVELOPMENT.
I would be inclined to agree. Not to mention, sexual development is well-nigh impossible to attain to if you married young and inexperienced and then DIDN'T develope your sexuality with your husband.
Unlike, say, intellectual development or skills/maturity in most other areas.
So, it's at least reasonable to conclude that she might have her sexual development in mind.
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
"THAT, I do see. I'm just not seeing where that equates to anything about "effort on the part of (my) W to improve (my) sex life."
Let me try again. W is trying to communicate with you about what she really wants sexually. This is a huge huge massive risk for her and is very hard to do. She is doing this precisely because she wants to make progress and have a hot sex life with you. If not, why would she go through the hard work of baring her soul to you and trying to give you a glimpse into her desire to find a sexual identity that includes being all about hot sex.
She is doing that because getting to an authentic sexual identity is the ONLY path she has to getting to a hot sex life with you. She is trying to share her deepest darkest secrets with you so that you and she together can find a hot sex life in the context of your M.
If she weren't trying, she would not bother to do her best to reveal herself to you, even if her efforts at revealing herself (while massive effort on her part) are far from direct and in fact are hard to see by a reader spun by deep deep hurt and pain to a position in which he expects only to see the words an asexual/frigid/vain author.
"I have to admit that I was looking forward to being a single person so that I could experience what I didn't when I was younger."
You don't see that being a single person would provide her with new sexual experiences?
No, at least that's not at all what I think she is saying here. She has told me that that part TERRIFIED her, actually, and that she was primarily talking about being more independent financially, socially, etc.
???? !!!!