Well I had a one sided convo with H today. He called and talked to the kids and I was very calm and sweet and asked him if he can listen to me. He said he could but he couldnt talk. I said that's exactly what I wanted.
It was a very DB like talk. Calm, confident, said all the things I wanted to tell him,I did show some emotion but that was on purpose and very sweetly ended the call.
I told him that after our meeting on Friday I have been thinking a lot about what he told me. That I understand that he is in a bad place at work and he knows as well as I do, that I would be able to help him if we were together like partners help each other, pitty that we arent . I said I sense his frustration and all but since we were supposed to talk about us, I wanted to say somethings also after I listened to what he had to say because his priorities arent my priorities as well.
I told him that my idea of reconciliation was different. I expected to feel emotion, see effort, make progress together towards a "better place". What I got was a man for reasons he only knows and doesnt share with me, that treated me as an obligation and duty but not as someone he loves. I said that alone is insulting and I've tried to understand any hidden reasons for his behavior but havent still figured it out.
I told him that he borderlines sadistic behavior towards me, not caring about my timeline, my emotional state, the 2 years I have been dealing with the consequences of his decision to leave our marriage. That he seems to overlook that I was left behind, had to take care of the kids (emotionally), myself, finances, had to deal with his affair, his distant behavior etc etc and that these 2 years are my limit.
I told him that what he said he thinks he can offer isnt enough for me and if he believes that to tell me so because I need a lot more. I told him that in the past he has made me happy and he was giving even if now he thinks he cant. And since I know that, I remember that, I think he CHOOSES not to give because he doesnt feel like it. He said I shouldnt blame him for questioning himself about it. I replied I dont blame him but I need to know once and for all what he has to offer and if he insists what I get now is his best then I have to pass. I said 2 years ago, I was living with this and probably would have been living like this until now but after what I have been through, I choose not to go back to that kind of relationship and he should forget the standards we had in the past. I made clear, I am not going to accept living "alone with him" for the kids. I said that is a decision I have made and I am sticking to it.
He said it seems he is only making mistakes. I replied that if he generalises things to weaken my arguements (I used examples) I wont follow his lead. I asked him to tell me things he feels good about and I was willing to listen. He didnt say anything.
I said, I realise this is a bad timing for you, but it is a bad timing for me too. That these last months it has all been about his schedule, his work, his issues and now it is time for me to think about mine. I said that I want us to move forward and to me we either share the same dream of a relationship and marriage and go for it or we divorce and I will be his friend anyway and help him anyway I can as a friend. I said I dont want to set deadlines because it feels wrong but soon is not soon enough for me. Asked him to think about it, put himself in my shoes and he will realise that 2 years is more than enough and he should come to me with a clear position so that I can decide based on that.
I thanked him, said good gye and ended the call.
He still is self absorved, I once told him he acts selfishly and I really cant believe how he can miss my "burden" thru all this and he laughed.
I feel better. The message was clear even if how I written it doesnt sound so. Committement or divorce, now. If he cant make himself to be my husband he knows what I choose. So, he actually has to make a decision. I made a point to say that what we decide now, we should follow through. This is no game. And I have been more than patient and understanding. K
. I said I sense his frustration and all but since we were supposed to talk about us, I wanted to say somethings also after I listened to what he had to say because his priorities arent my priorities as well.
