Shoe is on the other foot now- HELP

[LisaLost]

Hello everyone, been awhile since I have been here. Signed on originally in 11/05. This Bb helped me so much it "saved" my marriage, I guess you could say that. I followed the procedures and it worked, but he continued to cheat with 3 other women. Actually moving out and living with them. We are currently together but I am the most unhappy I have ever been. We have six kids oldest is 14 and youngest is 7 months. I want out but that seems so selfish doesnt it?

We have never truly got the trust issue worked out and he would try so hard for a bit then be back to same old attitude of' well, I came back to you so you should be lucky" I stay home with the kids and he works. AS everyone knows the economy being bad well that has affected his job and our finances so even more stress. It just seems like we cant get on the same page. I feel like I am sinking into a pit of depression no matter how positive I try to be- I do have panic disorder and do take a med for that - not an AD.

The times when he is gone after a few days I feel good, Like I can get my life together and all will be great and I get my list out and start adding things to do and seem to be more organized but then when he wants to come home I feel obligated because of the kids and then my spirit is in the dumps

I bet this doesnt make sense - I will try to write more later

just trying to get some of this confusion out of my brain!

Lisa

[RedHeadWife]

It has been 2 yrs since my D sitch and I still struggle w/ the trust issue. I don't really have any real 'reason' to still be distrustful of H, but it's a very hard thing to 'get over' or 'get control of' if you know what I mean.

I actually have become more open w/ H as far as the trust issue goes. For example, he now has a woman (younger) working under him @ work and I actually asked him if I needed to worry about this. We have become "friends" w/ her as she is a single mom w/ a little boy, so she's actually babysat for us and we have had a BBQ together, etc., but H knows that I need him to be completely open about this whole thing. She had to call him yesterday twice for work issues, and he actually told me that she had called & told me why.

Anyway, I guess I've gotten to the point where I'm not 'scared' anymore to just be honest about the whole trust thing. I don't want him to think that I am constantly thinking he cheating again, but if a certain sitch arises, I want to be able to openly talk about it.

I guess I'm just trying to reassure you that the whole trust issue is hard to conquer once we've been through having a H who actually has cheated on us. It's not something anyone could understand if it hasn't actually happened to them.

Forgiving & forgetting are two totally different things. Also, deciding that we're not going to continue to walk on egg shells for the rest of our M and just be open w/ our H helps a lot too.

[LisaLost]

Thanks for the response. My issue is that it has been with 4 different women. All of them from his work where he is a manager. It stresses me out everyday he goes to work. I have constant headaches and just lost my zeal for life. I have it when he leaves for his girlfriends, its like I have a new lease on life but it is just so depressing staying here in the M but with 6 kids it is hard.

Thanks again

[RedHeadWife]

When I was on maternity leave w/ our second son, which was almost 5 yrs ago, H wrote me a letter (chickensh*t, I say) to tell me he had cheated on me -- 3 times since we had been married.

During the D sitch, there was an EA going on.

We have 3 boys. Part of my problem during the D sitch was I was scared sh*tless to be on my own and try to do it all.

I understand, unfortunately.

[LisaLost]

Thanks so much for the support. Yeah with the second affair he left me 5 months pregnant- totally ignored me for months while with his new ow.

Wonderful aren't they?

where can I read your story?

Thanks again

[LisaLost]

Question.... Should I be DBing myself here?

[cire2]

Hi Lisa,

I remember your sitch from way back and can understand your feelings and apprehension.

You mention when he's gone you feel at ease more. Is this because you really would rather have him gone? Are you floundering through this for the kids sake?

I guess what I'm asking is he treated you so very badly were you able to forgive and give yourself the time needed for healing before he came back?

Is Lisa making herself happy? If not you could start with DBing that.

By the way how are the kids doing with all of this?

cire

[LisaLost]

Hey, Thanks for remembering me! we all go through heck here don't we? I think, if I could be honest with you guys, I think I would rather have him gone..I am floundering for the kids. That and money is really the reason I have taken him back all those times.

No Lisa is not making herself happy. She has totally lost herself. I am crying as I type this because I feel like a failure here, I am running myself into the ground being a supermom and avoiding dealing with my maritial issues. I have kids in ball and I am constantly going and have had a cold for over a month. My kids are from 14 y/o to 7 months and I have my hands full with 6 of them. Now I love it but it is just me taking care of them. Plus I homeschool my 14 y/o.

The kids are fairly happy. We dont argue around them, really we put on a great show for them. They are happy to have dad home but they do notice how much less they do with mom now. See when he was gone the kids and I did alot of stuff. Now granted that we have added 2 more since then and it is busier. The kids love their sister who just turned 2 and their new baby brother. But mom is stressed instead of being a fun mom again.

I am just scared..life goes by so fast and I want to have a good one but also want to give my kids a good one.

ALL ADVICE WELCOME

EVEN KICKS IN THE REAR!

lisa

[cire2]

What makes things ok now versus all the times he treated you so poorly? Has he shown genuine change and remorse?

As a few have asked me, "are you just going down cheeseless tunnels"?

You are still so young and 6 children must be a tremendous handful. Did you plan on all 6 kids?

How often is he gone and for how long when he goes? Is this for work?

Remember all you've been through, you are strong Lisa!

Prayers to you and yours...

cire

[iamlost]

Lisa, you're not a failure. No way. You are raising 6 kids, pretty much by yourself. You're a phenomenal success in my book.

You sound like you need a break or some help, get some time to yourself, have some time to rest and get over that cold. Do you have any friends or family nearby that could help you? If not, are there any mothers' groups in your area you could join--share babysitting and those kinds of things?

If you get some time and space to breathe, maybe you can take some long walks (which would help your depression) and just clear your head. First step is just to get to a place where you don't feel so at the end of your rope.

A walk in the sunshine always does me wonders. Even if you can't get childcare, could you put the youngest 2 in a stroller and get the oldest to babysit the others for 1/2 an hour while you take a walk?