Actually, there is a lot you could do. DQ and I along with countless other women have found that one's sexual partner has a hell of a lot to do with the sexual freedom one feels. And, this is not necessarily something that indicates some need for deep therapy. After all, we feel more/less free with our personal lives with a variety of people depending on exactly who that person is and exactly what our R is like with them. If for some reason I was zapped back into my XM (shudder), I think I would maintain my sexual identity as developed with my new H, but I would not feel and sexual freedom in the XM with my XH. Unless he changed radically from when I new him, I could not be sexual in any authentic/rewarding way in the context of that R because of HIM.
This is not to say that IC isn't a good idea for W -- I think its grand.
But if you want to make this all HER problem that she has to find a solution to without YOU participating in changing the dynamics of your sexual R so that she can find a robust sexual identity in the context of your M, I don't have much confidence that you or she will succeed in getting an M that works.
Quit hearing only what confirms your old ideas that get you nowhere. Consider that maybe women who have acted very much like your W when it comes to demonstrating repressed sexuality might have something worth HEARING rather than trying to shoot down with non-sequiturs and dogmatic insistence that you "know W" so well that you couldn't be mistaken. Drop both the defensiveness and arrogance if you want to really find new solutions that work rather than trace old patterns that hurt.
----
Oh, I promised you a story. In my XSSM, I desperately wanted hot sex. We had sex MAYBE twice a year. I flinched at XH's touch and tentative approaches. I insisted on MC. I bought sex books. Still, I could not tell XH how unfulfilling sex was with him, what I really wanted, etc... This was when I was really working hard to improve our sex life. One time in MC, the therapist pushed me ever so slightly on how I really felt about sex, I couldn't take it, I stood up and started literally running out of the room in a pure adrenaline fear/terror reaction. The MC backed off and stopped me. I just sat there numb yet sick. This was all way pre-bomb. In post-bomb MC, as horrible as it was, I never had a reaction like that. All this was when I was trying my damndest to get a hot sex life.
So, anyway, my guess is that it was HARD AS HELL for W to open up as much as she did in that email to you, baring her soul as much as she was able, doing really high risk stuff from her position hoping you would hear her a bit. And, she got nothing from you for it. Of course, it is easy to see why. You have to read between the lines to see what she is telling you, and it is things that you are already prone to be in denial about. Moreover, it would be almost impossible for you to understand just how emotionally wrenching it would be for W to hint at what DQ and I suggest she is hinting at. ---
Enough said. I'm blue in the face. Don't really think I can say anything helpful that you can hear, at least right now.
But, I certainly very very much wish you and W all the best. Though there is space for failure, there is also very clearly space for hope in what you have. And FWIW, I don't say that to everyone.
