One Last Chance to Make it Real

[Kettricken]

The sad thing is, there's only so much choc can do to create a space where "W can find space to feel like a woman and lover inside of your marriage". Ultimately, assuming he is open, cooperative, supportive, and not an arrogant bastard .... the rest is her responsiblity. He can set the table as nice as he can, but unless she gives herself permission to be hungry, she's not gonna sit down to eat. I cannot prove, but strongly suspect, that self-image issues (specifically, body image issues) are a LARGE part of what's holding her back. Although the madonna/whore dilemma may certainly be playing a role, too. My point is, he CANNOT free her from those constraints, she must do it herself.

I do think, though, Choc, that your "doesn't feel authentic" objections are so much nonsense. Why should your "real life" have much traction in the bedroom? Isn't that exactly the reason so many married sex lives crater? Because partners cannot reconcile the mundane and/or child-friendly parts of their lives with hawt kinky monkey sex in the bedroom? Once you close that door, all bets are off, or should be ....

... if your wife senses persistent constraint on your part, it certainly MIGHT be reinforcing hers ....

In some respects, of course, that's only to be expected. A long term SSM is crap for BOTH partners' comfort/dexterity with their own sexuality.

Speaking personally, it wasn't until I dealt with my hangups about portions of my husband's sexuality that we really got 'traction' in the bedroom. I didn't think I had any hangups, or that my discomfort about certain preferences (that I preferred to ignore) of his mattered to our sex life *as a whole* .... I was wrong. I had to learn to become accepting of his tastes (not damagingly perverse, mind you, just a bit unusual and not *my* tastes) as I wished him to be of mine. It's hard for a person to believe that you accept them totally and crave true intimacy with them if your own discomfort with aspects of their unique personality proves that stated position demonstrably untrue .... IOW, if you're a big fat hypocrite, albeit unconsciously. I'm not saying that applies to you, BTW, only you can answer that.