Yeah I think I've done what I need to do in terms of detachment. The chink in my armor is absolutely my kids though. I can handle anything but my 4 year old has been very upset by the process and that just breaks my heart. I think I may need to involve a professional.
Thanks for the words Hopeful. I really appreciate your support.
Boy I thought I was in the clear and I just got whacked. My w. called me up and told me that she was concerned about the idea of the kids spending to weekday nights a week sleeping at my house. Says it will be disruptive to their schedule. Says it is unfair to them and why don't I just visit them over her house and have them every other weekend. I told her I thought that was wrong and that I am their father and not willing to be a peripheral part of their lives. She launches into "you weren't their father for years (remember I have a d4 and a s2), so I don't understand why you need to be one now." I said it was unfair of her to question my motivations and me as a father. She says "well I have these residual feelings of anger toward you. That's a situation we both created and it is what it is." I told her it was unacceptable and if she was changing our agreement then everything was off the table. She said, "your threats don't scare me." I told her I was not threatening her. (I have told her I will give her what she asked for in child support, alimony, and offered additional money to help out. All I want is to be a part of my kids lives). Now I am wondering if I should go for joint custody. There is part of me that is starting to feel like she is really unbalanced. She is re-writing history and my actions to make me out to be something that I never was. It's like she has this alternate past that has nothing to do with what happened.
What is scary is this -- I am no longer concerned with saving my marriage. Whatever she has become is not the woman I loved and married. I am scared to death of how we are going to raise kids together. Could she really be having a psychotic breakdown? Or is this just guilt over realizing that this is going tob e painful to the kids forcing her to re-write history to justify her actions? In other words do I have a short-term problem, or do I have a full-blown 'we can't co-parent' problem?
Please help. I don't know what to do and I am scared.
Clueless- I'm so sorry. I think it takes time to settle into co-parenting and to know what you are really dealing with. You can't really make that assessment now.
Search your soul and really focus on what is best for the kids. What lifestyle will be the most familiar and stable for them.
I want H in my kids lives and I accommodate him. But, if we D, I will not continue having him in my home and jumping through hoops and since I have been primary care-giver for their whole lives, I tend to think they should live with me and see him a couple days a week. H would feel I was punishing him if he became peripheral but in my case it is his doing. Either way, what lifestyle will work best for the kids? Do some research, maybe consult a child behaviorist. Keep the focus on them.
I need some expert guidance. Does anyone have a good book on this? I want what is best for my kids, but I honestly don't know how to balance stability with the need to have them with me.
I just can't see how it would ever be in a child's interest to see their Dad one weekday and every other weekend. I don't think I could look myself in the eye if I did that. I can't lose my kids like that.
Don't do it then! If you have been an integral part of their day to day life, you should consider an arrangement that gives you more time. Just my opinion.
Can you see someone so you can discuss your specific sitch?
Yeah. I am in counseling. And I will talk to my lawyer. I just don't know what to do. I just want to take care of my kids and it seems like no matter what I do, they are going to get hurt by this.
Yeah. I am in counseling. And I will talk to my lawyer. I just don't know what to do. I just want to take care of my kids and it seems like no matter what I do, they are going to get hurt by this.
I know, we are all dealing with that reality and it is heart breaking. But, they are lucky that they have a dad that cares so much. They definitely need you.
OK. I have some updating to do here, and I would love some advice. I have taken a little bit of a different path here. I felt like I needed to focus on being a good father, living a good life, and detaching. The difference with me is that I decided I needed to take the detaching all the way to dating. Nothing serious mind you, just chatting with some women. Anyway when I tlkd my w this, she got mad at me under the pretense that she was mad I would take a woman back to our house. This despite the fact that she is the one who made the ground rules and expressly said that was permitted as long as the kids weren't there. Anyway she said she wanted to talk about it. So I went over to the house and put the kids to bed. Then I sat down to talk. She kept asking me if I wanted a drink. Initially I said no, but eventually I gave in. She was drinking wine, and had been for a while. Anyway we talked about the situation. Long story short we started talkign about our relationship. I focused on validating her. And I think that worked ok. Eventually she got pretty tanked. She told me how her new boyfriend (51) is not that into sex but how he loves her. Eventually she asked me if I still wanted her. I said that yes I did, but that we shouldn't make love that night. She got mad and said, "I look great and your telling me you wouldn't have sex with me right now?" I knew she wasn't going to have sex. She just wanted to know she still had the power over me. So I said, "I think you are beautiful and I really do want to have sex with you. But it is not a good idea right now." She told me to leave. I went to go and stood in the garage. I could hear her crying. I just stood there for a couple of minutes and then she came out. I went back in and we talked for a while. She told me about how the previous night she had been thinking she had made a mistake, but I had gone to bed and she was mad at me for not staying up. She said it was indicative of all the problems in our marriage. She needs someone who notices the little things, is intuitive, doesn't take the "outs" that she gives. She told me how she is scared for the future.
I can't decide to what extent she saw me getting on with my life and she just wanted to make sure she could still drag me back in and to what extent she is really wrestling with second thoughts. I had really gotten to a place of moving on with my life and this morning, I really don't know what to do. Any help?
She's called twice today. On the one hand she seems to be finding excuses to talk to me. On the other hand, she seems to want to make sure I know it was just the booze talking last night and that nothing has changed. So I imagine I am back to the rule of not believing what I hear in that regard right? I tell you the one crack in my total confidence is when she said if I just waited up for her she was ready to admit it was a mistake. It makes me wonder if the 180 I need to do is to be more available to her in those moments. Probably not though. I mean can you really say a marriage hinged on the fact that I went to bed. I don't know. I feel like my sitch would be a lot clearer to me as an outsider, so any advice appreciated.
