Maybe I'm too encouraged by her willingness to talk to me at all. But I get it. It's hard for me to be blunt and direct with her - but that might be the problem. Like she says, I'm a nice guy and deserve better than what she is giving me.
Do I continue "snooping"? I'm assuming yes. Do I stop having any conversations with her until she says she has stopped the EA? Do i just go ahead and start planning my daughters college plans without including her?
Sorry, I'm sure it will come to me, I'm just struggling where the limits are.
I re-read what you wrote. I get it. I think where I'm confused is what is my next step. Besides working on my GAL, etc...
Do I wait for her to initate a conversation so I can shut her down or do I flat out tell her today that she needs to end the affair before we can move forward?
Re: snooping. Let me ask you this: would a PA be a dealbreaker for you, or would it change in any way what your strategy would be?
Re: conversations. See above. You should only have conversations regarding family logistics, plus civil and polite "please" and "thank-you's". But NO R TALK.
I know it feels good that she talked with you, and you feel a load of pressure taken off your shoulders. But understand that SHE probably feels good as well that "wow, he seems okay with this -- he took it better than I thought," and that she has a HUGE load off her shoulders now that "He knows about _____ ," as she was probably scared to death that you'd find out!!
My advice would be to circle back with her and try to say something along the lines of "I was thinking about our conversation last night, and I'm afraid I might have left you with the wrong impression." And then firmly lay out what your boundaries are.
Search out Gucci Loafer's posts, and his advice. You need to start implementing his "I have decided ______" tactics, instead of deferring all of the endgame decision-making to a woman who is hell-bent at the moment on destroying her family.
Do I wait for her to initate a conversation so I can shut her down or do I flat out tell her today that she needs to end the affair before we can move forward?
You cannot tell her her to do ANYTHING -- that IS controlling. Instead, you should make it about YOU, and what YOU are willing to live with (and not live with). That is a BOUNDARY.
"You need to end your affair" = CONTROLLING
"I cannot live in an open marriage." = BOUNDARY
"I forbid you to have him in our home" = CONTROLLING
"It is a matter of personal integrity for me that I cannot have a man who is cheating with my wife in my own home. I would appreciate it if you would respect that boundary." = BOUNDARY
Does that make sense?
What you're shooting for here is "Look, you're a grown woman, and I can't MAKE you do ANYTHING. All I CAN do, is tell you that I am in no way willing to live in an open marriage, and I'm not leaving my own home when I've done nothing wrong."
I already laid those out to her. Not sure if she heard them, but I'm assuming she did since she got so defensive right away.
I understand making it about the boundries and not dictating behavior. Thank you - I was thinking about making controlling messages.
I have to keep reminding myself (and maybe asking everyone here to remind me) that the type of affair makes no difference. Emotional, physical, she is having a relationship with another man. 50 texts a day between the two of them is not normal.
I want her to get help and get better. I want to "push" her toward that goal. I have to stop that. I have to keep reminding myself of that.
I am not going to initiate the follow up conversation. I'm leaving it up to her to initiate.
What is my tactic if she says she wants to talk, I give her the boundary message and she then responds with yes, I heard you but I still want to talk. Do I just sit and listen or say not until I'm convinced that you have ended the affair?
Sorry for asking so many questions on how to react/respond - I need some help and support on this since I didn't follow your directions in the first place. I want to make sure I don't make another mistake.
I pay for the cell phone - family plan and also one of the resaons why i have access to all her records. She is clueless about the cell records that are available. it's been my saving grace to do the snooping. I'm afraid taht at soeme point she'll figure it out and go buy a new one and I would lose my ability to snoop.
Thanks for the Gucci Loafer advice - I've started reading some of the posts and am impressed. I'm still workinng my way through them, but they are very good. Thank you.
Reading through all the Gucci Loafer advice (as well as where Puppy chimed in with additional thoughts), and thinking back nore to last night, I can see where I lost control of the sit. I need to get it back. SPecifically, we talked about what the kids would think, W said they woudl hate her. I didn;t respond at first, but now am thinking "yeah so, you're the one who wants to leave our family, not me, why wouldn;t they hate you for that?"
Kind of crass but truthful. I've been debating about how to tell the kids what is going on and trying to find the right time and place to do that. No more waiting. Especially with my D18 - I will let her know tonight that we are having issues. I won't go into details, but I will let her know that her mother has decided that she doesn't know if she wants to be married any more and is thinking about moving out. I will let her know that I love her and this has nothing to do with her. I will take control of being a good dad and letting them know what I think they need to know. It will be up to W to talk to them on her terms. But now, it's on my terms.
Do what you feel is right and best, but I immediately exposed my wife's affair to my adult daughters (they were 18 and 20 at the time). Turns out they both already knew it, and were afraid to tell ME! Poor things.
