Divorce looming #13

[K4D]

25, I read your post. I am just really tired today and reality is really setting in now.

Just to clarify something earlier, wife will let me in to finish getting stuff as long as she is at the house.

I will check into those books. I'm meeting jaguilar for lunch today. That will be good. I'm looking forward to it.

I had a lot of thoughts cross my mind as I was driving the kids to school this morning. I think my life is looking like a much harder one for a while.

I know you all can relate. I have to get my ability to focus and study back.

I am making some more friends. But they are all married for the most part.

W still hasn't filed the waiver of service or final decree. I'm not sure why. Dismissal date is june 4th. She can't file the final decree until 20 days after filing the waiver of service. So I am not sure how that will play out.

My BIL thinks she isn't going to. He says its a sick game of control she is playing. As long as we are still married, she still has some control of things even though she is living the single life.

Kevin

[PMA_Baby!]

It was hard sleeping in my new place last night without W. She told me she still doesn't want me having access to the house even to finish getting my stuff out.

She is still pretty cold and mean. I didn't sleep much last night. D7 got up and came to my bed in the middle of the night. I have a feeling this is going to be tough on the kids.

I don't know that I ever see W coming back. She is just so against me and wants nothing to do with me.

I'm tired today. I sure hope she gives me another chance in the future. How do you DB if they are never around to see anything?

Kevin

SERIOUSLY!?! I sure hope she give me another chance???

Why do you think she should?

What have you done to work on you???

PMA

[25yearsmlc]

Next time you say something positive such as "I'm making friends" DO NOT follow it with the word "BUT" b/c that is negative. It's some sort of weird pattern with your negative programming. Take whatever you know about computers and change your hardwiring or software or whatever you call it, so you can finally begin to see the world differently.

Your posts was almost insulting to me. I just got back from a long vacation and posted to you as one of the first, and it was written to be an uplifting note and a 2 x 4 mixed in there too. And it's as if you read 3 sentences. Don't make me waste my time. LISTEN OR DON'T ASK FOR FEEDBACK.

Remember the little old GOD thing I mentioned? DId you miss that HUGE part of my post? That was the most important part, along with not being so negatively and pessimistically programmed. JUST STOP IT! At least don't post to ME with that stuff b/c it's sooooo hard to read after what I wrote to you. JESUS!! (Literally, come here please!! Oh Kevin if you invite God, you have to let him in...)

Yes we ALL get that (somehow), only NOW is it "settling" in to you that your life is going to be harder now...is this really a revelation to you, and even if so,..well BOO HOO and big damn deal. WE KNOW AND YOU"VE SAID IT 100 times... Or to put it another way, DUH....geez, WE KNOW b/c we all have been through the same or worse.

But gee Kevin, guess it's harder for YOU b/c it was going SO WELL AT YOUR WIFE'S HOUSE TOO --BET YOU'LL MISS ALL THAT FUN FAMILY TIME YOU WERE HAVING, THE LAUGHS, THE INTIMACY, THE LOVING CONVERSATIONS AND CHIT CHATS....OH WAIT, SHE TREATED YOU LIKE CRAP....OH YEAH, OOOPS YOU FORGOT THAT PART AGAIN. ARE YOU DELUSIONAL?

DO you just skip the past 7 months of life and only recall the supposed good times of how many YEARS ago now? Stop remembering that good stuff FOR NOW b/c it confuses you still and it keeps you from facing WHAT IS REALITY...

Stop living in the past. If your m was EVER a good one, it was a long time ago and memories of those times MAY resurface in her someday years from now, but not if you keep moping and you are. I think the moping is so much more recent and in her face that it is what she'll recall for now. The good times, if there were some, are going to be buried under all the negative stuff you are sending out now.

BElieve it or not, You are creating all the negative stuff in your life right now. LET ME REPEAT THAT, YOU ARE CREATING ALL THE NEGATIVE STUFF IN YOUR LIFE RIGHT NOW.
Hard to believe. But it's true. She already left you and so now, your reactions and behavior is what is making YOUR life hard. Her treatment of you would not matter at all if YOU did not let it. That concept will likely be ignored by you but it's so important that you get that. You refuse to take charge of your life. You continue to blame her for every lousy thing you choose to do. Her treatment or your obsessing dictates how you feel every hour of your day...by your choice.

Your w left you, like millions other men this year in this country...UNLIKE many of them, you get to see the kids. Unlike many of them, you played a big part in the way your M fell apart at least until recently and unlike many of them, you have continued to ignore the great resources you've gotten from others who give you their time and attention.

Just a quick example of yet another man who faced a terrible injustice but handled it differently---My bil's first W left him "to find herself" when they lived in Wisconsin, and she got primary custody. She had been a sahm so it made sense and she Promised him 50/50, etc so he didn't fight it, and 30 days later she married a soldier who, OOPS! had orders to go overseas and OOPS, surely a soldier cannot be punished for serving his country so that man's kids left the CONTINENT and the only saving grace was the judge ordered the new soldier h to pay for transporting the 3 little kids every 6 weeks from Europe, which was easy on NO ONE and was totally unfair to the kids, and the first H, John. And the A with soldier was never disclosed until after the divorce.

John never whined the way you do. Imagine how hard and unfair that was on him and he was a good h to his w. She just wanted to travel and have more excitement with a pilot soldier's life. He fought it in court, not in front of the kids. When they each turned 14 they asked to live with him full time or more, and now they all do. That was a 5 year ordeal for him. He never critisize their mother and never said "My life sucks" or "It's hopelss". He just fought for his kids and said to the new soldier h, "How can you do this to another man's family or to these kids?" I sure wish you'd get it. YOU MUST LIKE BEING A VICTIM. THAT IS THE ONLY EXPLANATION THERE IS FOR YOUR PERSISTENTLY NEGATIVE OUTLOOK AND IT'S GETTING ME DOWN...do you just fear change so much that you prefer the hell you know to the life you don't know? I just posted to you about a trip to Europe and some of what I saw there and ....geez, never mind. ONE TIME today, visualize life without your wife AND you being happy. What would that look like ? The more you do that, the better you'll feel. And if you WANT to say "I can't do that," Don't say it here. Not to me. It'll make me want to fly down and spank you and I don't mean that sexually. I mean it like the way a mother does with a kid who says he "can't try a new vegetable b/c it's different...and once upon a time, I didn't like a new vegetable and WHAT IF THAT HAPPENS AGAIN???????????"...OMG!!!


If you can't learn to pick yourself up, you're doomed. You've had a lot of time to learn the skills and you've gotten more support than 90% of the posters here. Kev, honestly, We all had concentration problems during our WAS's idiocy and cruelty, but your ADD (which seems to be a choice you make sometimes I swear) is severe and your sitch truly IS NOT worse than the average one here. You get the kids 50/50 at HER demand! I think she means it! You are not paying HER anything and you are only 34!! OMG!

And please DO get child support b/c YOUR CHILDREN NEED IT. I didn't say "alimony" for YOU (Texas doesn't do that anyhow if I recall correctly) but child support is about the kids, OH YEAH, THEM. Don't let your pride keep you from accepting their share of what thteir mother earns, and cheating them of what they are legally entitled to. It's not about you. IF you can support your kids on your own salary, GREAT! BRAVO!

Put the child support the ex wife sends you in a 529 college plan for the kids, or some other investment vehicle FOR THEM...

'Did you read my darn post OR did you tune it out b/c it was "too long" and wasn't all about your wife or tips on how to get her back? (As if that would be a great thing now) And finally, have you gone 24 hours without talking about her YET? (Any witnesses here that can tell me?) Or was the post saying "I have nothing to say", the 24 hours...??

Oh Kevin, just let yourself grow up. Go to GOD today and turn your own growth over to him. Let him father you or teach you how to lean and learn from him. DO something to change your life or your ability to be happy or be a loving dad will be lost and there are so many people on this board who need support to help them CHANGE their lives. You won't seem to do it for more than 3 days.

For some reason, seems you want to go back to a hellish nightmare b/c it's what you know or think you deserve, and that is NOT healthy or accurate and I'm talking to you til I'm blue in the face. And it's so much work on this end to take my break time between clients to post to you and then feel I've gotten nothing done.

Get a pastor or someone to help you with YOU. You're using your alleged religious beliefs to PREVENT growth by saying "I won't get divorced b/c I don't believe in it and I'm setting myself up for a lifetime of misery using religion as my excuse" but you are very likely getting divorced. Not by choice, but by reality. So you are really twisiting and warping religion and though I sure can't speak for God, I wonder what He thinks of being used as an excuse for you NOT changing or growing or finding any peace within. Giving up is not the same thing as gracefully accepting the inevitable.

Your R with GOD --if you'd let it be, would get you through a lot of this. God does not want you to suffer and be miserable. He gave you the gift of life for a positive reason. I've heard NOTHING positive about what your faith does for you or God or anyone in your life. You take your girls to church and...what? Do you use religion to remind them of how wrong divorce (ie your wife) is? What does that really teach them and why? Why not show them the love of Jesus or the strength your faith gives you in times of trouble? Learn about HIM and finally, please do not insult me by ignoring each opportunity I provide for you to think more positively.

AGAIN, you said NOTHING about your niece!. WTH?? Can you work on that? Take your head out of you know where, and think of other people with worse off problems, OR just someone else other than yourself, or your pain, or your wife, for 24 hours? Instead of obsessing about HER, Obsess about serving the poor at a soup kitchen or the lonely at an old folks homes as there are programs for that. I started a "adopted grandparent" program in high school 2o SOMETHING years ago...or 30? Still going on.

Many if not most "bums" are actually mentally ill and if they had cancer we would scream about them living under bridges. (See the movie The Soloist" or better yet, read the book). You could be making a difference in their lives. And Kevin ---

God sends YOU and US so much love and beauty and blessings you refuse to accept or even see, even after we point them out. It's like you read 3 sentences of my last post and tehn began your reply... ignoring the work I put into it.
Kevin, this R we have is too one sided. I do the work on YOUR life and you don't. You have to do your part or your life will always suck and it won't be your wife's fault. It'll be on you. ALL OF IT.

B/C the Thing is, you do have choices. You are afraid to exercise choice. But when you do, like the choice of apartment and the choice to FINALLY stand up to her in a healthy way, you experience freedom. When you refuse to exercise choice, you are stuck, by choice!

For the last time, I will say that

**WHEN YOU OPERATE IN FEAR, YOU ARE NOT OPERATING IN FAITH**...

So what's your R with God like these days? Work on that and maybe this will start sinking in. I don't know what else to say. I'm turning you over to Him, b/c we are not getting through enough. No, no one is abandoning you. But I only have finite amounts of time and energy and some of the people I post to, do change their lives. I told someone the other day that counselling works well when AND ONLY WHEN, the patient is willing to change themselves.[/b} (So they are Not going to a c to fix their spouses for instance, b/c that ALWAYS fails....) [b]You'll get better or happier when you are ready to change YOURSELF. I just don't know if that will ever happen or what it will take for it to.

I guess you can't or won't change on your own. WE can't do it for you. So that leaves counsellors and God and you need them both. I'll root for you but if I were making a big enough difference, I would not have to post this way at this point.
I care about you. We all do. But you have to pick up some self help skills for YOURSELF. (And your d's, whom you also failed to discuss at all). And you have to make something other than your fear of being alone, rule your life. So far almost all of your choices have been fear based.
The exceptions were when you made the girls and their stability/school choice comments, and you stood up to your wife in a mature way. I'm glad I saw that post b/c it means you have glimpsed what a man can do or say when he's a man in an uncomfortable sitch, so it's in there in you. Stop stifling that part of you Kevin or you'll be lost.

((( j )))

[PMA_Baby!]

AMEN! 25 as always AMEN!!! Thank you again for another truly heartfelt post. I hope he appreciates the insight as much as many of us on here do.

Thank you!!! PMA

[aliveandkicking]

AMEN! 25 as always AMEN!!! Thank you again for another truly heartfelt post. I hope he appreciates the insight as much as many of us on here do.

Thank you!!! PMA

Ditto...it is not just Kevin reading and learning. Wow.

[ppenton]

Yes, thank you 25 thank you, there are others learning from this as well!

[K4D]

Now that I have my internet up and running, I can post fully. I had been using my blackberry to post and its not quite as friendly as a computer.

25, I read all of your posts fully and thoroughly. My neice is doing better. She wasn't eating for a while, but they seem to have gotten that under control. I don't have a picture of her yet, so I will call and ask them to send me one so I can show my girls their new cousin.

I am just trying to adjust to this new life of mine. I had lunch today with Jaguilar and really enjoyed it. He brought a friend that was also very nice. I got the buffalo tenders at the resturant. They were good as always.

There are some benefits to this. For instance, the other day, I was grocery shopping and trying to think of meals that we normally have and it dawned on me that I don't have to make what we normally have anymore. I can make what I want to eat. I can make new things for me and the girls. That was kind of an enjoyable thought. I can experiment now.

My job is going fine. I am learning it. They are training us pretty well. As soon as I am done getting this place set up, I am going to start studying again and figure out how to be part of group activities again.

I decided I don't like going a full week without seeing my girls, so I am going to discuss a better schedule with W to see if I can see them more often. I know the girls aren't fond of going a full week at a time without seeing each of us to.

My girls do like the apartment. They keep saying are we going to your house daddy. I tell them its our house.

You are right about the fact that I have got to stop thinking negatively and think positively. Instead of looking at what is wrong, I need to look at what is right. I think right now I am a little overwhelmed with getting everything set up in this apartment. I'm not used to doing it all on my own.

I will check into those books as soon as I have time. My relationship with God has been alot of praying for my M to be saved somehow. I also pray for strength to handle whatever comes my way. I pray that God take away my worries and anxiousness about things. I pray that I have new opportunities to build my career with time. I pray I can get full custody of my girls. I love having them with me.

If I go after them in court, there is a chance per the L I spoke with that I could end up getting standard visitation and paying my W child support. I'd rather have the 50% time with my girls than chance losing that.

I have a friend that I used to work with in Florida that I found out moved here and I called him yesterday and we are going to meet up probably this weekend. I have another friend that I am either getting together with this week or next that I met who has been through this twice.

Right now I am trying to keep my cool around my W when she is around as I am more angry at her than anything these past couple of days. We kind of got into it a bit yesterday as I was getting stuff from the house for my apartment. I think I was just tired of giving into her. I can't joke around with her or she gets all pissy. So we just had some arguments here and there yesterday. It wasn't good DBing. Or maybe it was because I wasn't just laying down for her anymore. I have done that long enough. I decided if I have signed my lease and this is becoming official now then I am going to stand up for some things. I wish I would have done that sooner. She doesn't like it either.

I am so glad to have my girls here with me. They truly are wonderful. They are a real blessing. D11's attitude is gone. Thats been nice. She has been organizing the kitchen. I let her take ownership of it. She seems to enjoy it.

D7 is just watching TV at the moment. I'm getting ready to make dinner now.

Kevin

[mnt_dreams]

I am so glad to have my girls here with me. They truly are wonderful. They are a real blessing. D11's attitude is gone. Thats been nice. She has been organizing the kitchen. I let her take ownership of it. She seems to enjoy it.

D7 is just watching TV at the moment. I'm getting ready to make dinner now.

Kevin

Letting your D11 organize the kitchen was a great idea! Makes her feel important, and like it's her place too. It will take time to adjust, but they are adapting to the apartment just like you. Pretty soon it will feel like home and they will feel comfortable there. The more relaxed you are, the more relaxed they will be as well.

[jaguilar]

That's right, it makes them feel like it's their place too. That's one of the things that I did with the kids. They would always say dad's or mom's place...I told them this is "our" house. They liked that, they felt ownership at home.

[K4D]

Tonite was ok. I put away some more stuff, took trash and boxes out. D7 walked with me to the dumpster. She likes getting out. I let her play on the playstation 3 while D11 played on the computer.

I'm going to miss not having them next week. When they are here, I still feel like a family is here even if W is not. Its going to feel strange not having them here next week. I wish there was some way I could get full custody. I could chance it, but it could backfire on me big time also. When they are at the house, unless there mom is taking them out to do something, they are just left on their own while their mom chats away on her computer.

I know they grow tired of that. D7 gets bored easily because she doesn't have any friends really. The one that she did make in the single parents group is going to Mexico for the summer. So I try and entertain her the best that I can. D11 pretty much just goes with the flow. She isn't demanding really.

Kevin