Do I wait for her to initate a conversation so I can shut her down or do I flat out tell her today that she needs to end the affair before we can move forward?
You cannot tell her her to do ANYTHING -- that IS controlling. Instead, you should make it about YOU, and what YOU are willing to live with (and not live with). That is a BOUNDARY.
"You need to end your affair" = CONTROLLING
"I cannot live in an open marriage." = BOUNDARY
"I forbid you to have him in our home" = CONTROLLING
"It is a matter of personal integrity for me that I cannot have a man who is cheating with my wife in my own home. I would appreciate it if you would respect that boundary." = BOUNDARY
Does that make sense?
What you're shooting for here is "Look, you're a grown woman, and I can't MAKE you do ANYTHING. All I CAN do, is tell you that I am in no way willing to live in an open marriage, and I'm not leaving my own home when I've done nothing wrong."
