Fantastic, Good luck today, if you have no where to go, get some ice cream, go to the park for a stroll. Call a friend. Do something for you, remember, just tell him you have plans or you are meeting someone would be better.
Tell me how this goes, I bet he lingers around a bit to quiz you on your plans. But you do not have a lot of time, you have things to do! Gotta run, see you kids, love you, bye.
Nicoles, Good luck today! I'm anxious to hear how he reacts. Hope you find something to do that brings a smile to your face and takes your mind off things a bit. Don't forget perfume too, to top off the look!
Me 39 H 38 T22/M15 S11 S7 EA Confirmed 3/11/09 Sep Weekdays Only 4/09
Registered: 05/15/09 Posts: 25 Loc: Ca I keep thinking that my H must be lonely without his family. That somewhere in his alone time he thinks this is all a big mistake. That maybe he lays there at night missing us. But then I hear from him, he is so nice to me...in a good mood. Now I am worried and scared that he is happier this way. And with the DBing I am trying to be serene, nice, and upbeat too. Isn't that going to make him feel like he is doing the right thing? That leaving really has made us both happier. Ugh. It hasn't. I am really mmiserable and scared to death. I dream of him every night and we are so happy in my dreams. It is so confusing. It is so hard with the kids...if I didn't have to talk to him because of them I could just go dark and this would be so much easier. Help. _________________________ nicole
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#1770104 - 2 minutes 40 seconds ago Re: He seems happy... [Re: nicoles] aliveandkicking aliveandkicking Member
Registered: 04/15/09 Posts: 359 First thing Nicole. I made the same mistake starting new threads but it is better to stick with one or it gets really confusing. Just try to keep the updates on the single thread.
Now, I sooooo relate to where you are at. He will absolutely be happier for a period of time. Right now he feels liberated and has his much sought after freedom. In time you will see how that evolves.
I struggled with and still struggle with not sharing how miserable I am with H. Kids were up last night sick. When he called, I sounded great. I mentioned the kids being sick all night but said I'm sure it'll pass quickly and they'll be fine. Should he know that I got NO sleep, am completely stressed out about the bills, woke up feeling completely abandoned and miserable? I think NO. It is my life and my responsibility to get my sh** together and make it a good day. Of course, if you or I could be judge and jury, we'd convict them for being neglectful, irresponsible, disloyal babies. BUT, we aren't that and they feel totally entitled to be doing what they are doing right now.
I broke down a lot early on. I needed to tell him that for the sake of our children, he needed to leave me alone because I was only falling apart when he contacted me (he was really provocative). I think in the context of drawing boundaries MAYBE it is ok to calmly and honestly express when a behavior is hurtful or not working for you. I'm not sure because I have had such a tough time not getting sucked into the vortex of thinking all about him.
I feel you on the kids. If we didn't have kids, I'd be so dark. But they truly represent the heartbreak in this whole mess. Of course, my kids put on a happy face for daddy and come to me with the hard questions and the drama...I have shared certain things with him CALMLY, when I think he needs to know what they are going through. And, yes it makes him think but it isn't enough to keep him from what he sees as his "destiny."
It has been said, "be a woman that only a fool would leave." That helps me. Work on that, not about him but what kind of woman do you want to be and do you think kicks a**. It is tough not to feel hindered by finances and kids and the loss, etc. I know. But make a list NOW of what that woman might do or be. I'm right here with you. I KNOW how challenging it is and we just want it to all work out but nobody is going to do this for us. It is grow up time. _________________________ Me 37 H 36 M 10yrs T 13 yrs S6/S9
Wow, thank you that meade me feel so much better. I know it is wrong as far as DB goes...and frankly it didn't feel good at all to be in the crying, sad begging stage...but it is obviously so natural to want to express to them how horrible you feel and how awful this all is. Good point about not being judge and jury. I really do believe that compassion for what he is going thru makes me the better person. (although I am pretty sure that I have always been the better person! LOL!) That is part of what he said was his reason for leaving me. That I deserve more than what he can give me. That is a cop-out in my opinion, but at least he knows. Question...are you and H still having sex? Sorry if that is too personal, but i just wish that my H would at least persue me in that way...I miss that so much. We have only have had sex once since he left...about 2 weeks ago. It was incredible...but I felt horrible afterwards and I wasn't in DB mode yet so he felt bad...apologized a million times and so I don't think he will do that again. And I know it is wrong to persue that. I am just afraid that he will get it somewhere else. He probably is.
Anyway...I too have to deal with all the sadness and questions from the kids. Actually it is only my oldest. My little one just covers her ears and says "no no no no!!!" whenever he comes up. My oldest is sad, concerned and the question asker. She wants to know if we are going to counseling, when he might change his mind, if I am sad, etc. You are so right...they truly are the heartbreak. I guess that is another reason why I refuse to give up. They deserve for me to give it my all. My H loves the kids so much...we have always had so much fun with them, and his pride in them is immeasureable. (sp?) That is one funny thing...he has always (even until very recently) been so proud of us as a family. He talks about us with such pride (so many people who are shocked by this have told me this...) about ME and the girls. He would invite people over to our house and show everything off...the view cause we have a good one..and us. He is actually a bragger! So...it makes it hard to figure out why he wants it all to go away. I did have a mini-breakthrough in my therapy session yesterday...one that gave me a little hope...but cautious hope at that. And I cannot go into detail about it here. It made me feel better nonetheless that there could be an outside influence on his behavior...one that has to do with an addiction so to speak. Nothing too serious, but maybe more serious than I originally thought. I love what you said about "be a woman only a fool would leave". That is my mantra for today! I know that I already am...but there are definately some areas that I could have been better about when we were still together.
I am sure that everyone thinks this as they are attracted to their own S...but why does he have to be so freakin hot?? My H is really good looking and it makes it so much harder too. I should have married an ugly guy!!!!!!
unfortunately he is picking them up from school and I wont see him until he drops them off. maybe I should just tell him not to come in the house...go more dark, who knows!
Regarding sex. LOL. I have an attractive "bragger" too. When you've got time for some soap opera, check out my threads.
Yes, we had sex and this is touchy. And yes H felt bad and still kept coming back for more (though he was disinterested at certain points). And, I turned him down a few times and then I felt like I needed to give it to him because I wanted him to see what he'd be missing (Sex sucked in R), and I wanted it and I wanted the connection. But, I don't think it has really gotten me anywhere except him thinking I'm here, ready and waiting. It is called "cake-eating" and it is likely not the best strategy. I have to run but we can explore this too.
Oh, the addiction thing, yes. Same in my sitch. Not drugs and alcohol but compulsive and impulsive behavior, debting, over-eating etc...interesting.
ok, good to know I think I would reject sex...but I do want it so bad! That is another confusing thing...we always had a great sex life. Of course there were times when we went too long without doing it...but whenever we did we would be like "wow....we REALLY need to do that more often!!" and then we would for like a week straight having sex everyday!!!
I would love to explore tht addiction thing more...maybe in a PM!
My oldest girl is 8 and my little one is 6. They are so cute!
Your list of goals is great. There is a lot of reason to have hope in your sitch though I do think moving to your family home is not a bad idea. Why? Well, I'm a veteran (JAG Corps--lawyer) as is my h (MD) and we are used to moving. Your kids can handle it at this age quite well AND they'd be happy to be near family. Plus your H isn't that chained to where he is now anyhow AND probably would love a move. It's not as if his career depends on him being in that place. AND there is no outwardly heinous behavior from him. So I'm hopeful.
But yeah, you might have to go dark on him, or make plans for the moving, etc. Do you think he'll stay in the military? In one sense that's great as it's very easy to ensure he pays his obligations and the kids will always have health care coverage. And you'll get custody b/c he'll have to be deployable.
He sounds depressed and in need of c. But it's like a crossword puzzle you cannot solve for him so don't hover around trying to help him with it. As I've posted elsewhere, Be a woman only a fool would leave.Think of who and how you were when he fell in love with you and also, think of things you have put off doing b/c you were "tied" down or married and start doing them(minus the parts about other men...)
And last, don't project other people's M problems into yours. Your sitch is better than most. AND Don't let others project their situations onto yours either. No, you're not "safe;" and no one here is. To even get here, something is seriously wrong in a M.
But I don't think your M doomed by any means. He does need space. And 2 hours is no big deal for either one of you to travel to make an effort with the kids, which MAY lead to a "date" on occasion down the road. Do not pursue. Be mysterious. He thinks, I believe, that he has "fallen out" of love as if there is no choice in the matter. But love is at least in part, a CHOICE. Not sure where you are in CA but there are places in between to meet for small family trips. MAYBE you'll have to let him have one or two "daddy visits" without you, or more. Let him miss you. Start the GAL of your own. Detach big time. Thank God he isn't saying he doesn't care.
What he IS saying needs to be strongly validated. His putting you guys first is huge (and IF you do divorce, catch him when he's feeling that way.) Validate that he is not being selfish as far as being a provider and acknowledge how much better that makes you feel about things. (Also, you will need to start visualizing life without him in a positive light b/c it MAY come to that, temporarily or permanently. You need to do this as part of GAL and not let terror rule your choices. You do have choices. No matter what, you will survive this).
Yes DBing seems harder when they're away BUT then again the changes are easier to notice when you are not in their face every day and OH by the way, YOUR life will be easier without him always around. Keep up the 180's and watch for what happens and give it LOTS more time. Read Brandnewday's timeline or see mine below, or AmyCee's. It is not a fast process but your h has said some crucially important and positive things.
Even if there is an OW (and I'm not saying there is) at least she's not important enough to him to mention AND for whatever he's dealing with, he does NOT blame you....OMG put that in the record book!. That makes....4 WAS's this year, out of 456789??...of course, a Russian author once said that "Guilt in a man turns into anger and when they feel guilt, they attack"....so don't flip out if that happens. Just don't fuel any negative justifications he may come up with. And he may well start that as his guilt eats away at him. And obviously, don't think guilting him will be an effective tool for changing him for the better. It almost always builds resentment and backfires on you. FYI, God knows I tried. Lesson learned...
Good luck, you are in the right place, given the givens. Oh, btw, hire a DB coach by phone and get some sessions asap. They cost some, but of all the things I did to help stay M, and I did a lot, that would be the ONE thing I'd do if I could only do one. And come here and read and read and post and if you get good advice, TAKE IT.
(( j ))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
regarding the intimacy issues...very personal. I chose to keep it in my separation for a variety of reasons but struggled with it mightily first. I wanted to stay connected AND felt it would contrast with his life elsewhere. We were a in a warm (figuratively and literally) place with love and laughter and intimacy here, and he did not have much or any of that where he was.
Do not let others tell you what to do on that and let your feelings and your h's behavior before during and after, help you decide. ( No offense to A&K, but your sitches are very different. But sure it's a super personal decision.)
Nicole, you said your h felt badly afterwards. B/c YOU did? Or what? Just asking.
See what your c tells you, and what your heart says and don't confuse staying connected with cake eating. There is a difference, and only you will be able to know what that is. If I were feeling doubts about my h and I, and we stopped ML altogether, I don't know how that would help. BUT if I were also seeing OM and getting it at home (and thinking like an alien) who knows?
Talk to a DB coach if you can. It's soooo worth it. ((( j )))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
