We've been together since 1986 and married since 1993. My H had OW 10 years ago, in another state, somehow we survived the affair. There was so much emotion, job changes, out of work and moving to a new state to go along with this at the same time. After 9/11 we were unhappy in our careers so we quit and got an entirely new job as Resident Managers, started Nov. 2001. This is where we are at present. We work together, live together and yeah, for the most part are together most of the time. My sister, age 31, died of a brain tumor in 1995 and during that time we became so close, and I regained my trust in our marriage. No doubt I was quite depressed and yes, am still somewhat depressed by my sister's death. A couple of years ago his sister and brother-in-law moved close to us and eventually his mother has moved quite close in an assisted living facility. That has put a lot of stress on my H for varying reasons. My H also commented that our situation was no longer healthy, spending too much time together and not enough outside friends, etc. I agreed. H got into tennis and had some tennis partners but nothing really clicked into friends. I really don't have friends and until now never realized how absolutely important they are. At the same time my H started talking about Canada and wanted to visit. H indicated he met online a couple of people in Montreal he hit it off with and they e-mailed, etc. Last July H indicated he would like to go meet them and even though I was hesitant I wanted to be encouraging so he went.
He came back and thoroughly enjoyed meeting them and he experienced meeting others that lived in the same building/area and liked the ability to hang with so many different types of people, etc. He got a good vibe. H came back and instead of saying hey come with me to Montreal and meet these people he did not. They became H's friends and he asked again to go visit for a week. I did not like this but H told me he had so much fun, etc. and it was absolutely no threat to us. H went again. At Thanksgiving time there were some family issues, etc., he seemed down and he told me he just wanted out of this country, out of his family and out of his marriage. Everything was same old, same old and he felt he wanted to move to Montreal without me. Okay, so we worked through that on our own and things were still shaky. So, H went for another visit around the first of the year and than H again indicated he wanted to move, but he stayed. And right before his last visit to Montreal in mid-April before he left he broke down and told me how much he loved me and felt so bad for treating me this way and really wanted to cancel his trip. H left and we agreed this would the last trip and we would reconcile when he came home. His flight was cancelled and he stayed an extra day. H called me repeatedly that day saying how disappointed he was his flight was cancelled couldn't wait to get back and hold me, blah, blah, blah. Within a week of being home things felt strained. On Saturday a.m. H just blurted out he was done with our marriage and nothing would change his mind. That goes back to my first e-mail in my post, I was devastated, etc. Fell of the DB wagon, begged, pleaded, etc. The DB had worked up and until this last trip, he was curious why I was more aloof and he was not sure where I was when I was gone before his last trip. A couple of days ago I asked about him filing for divorce and what he thought would happen with our job, living arrangement, etc. He told me point blank he did not know if he had enough balls to actually file for divorce; but that did not mean he did not want to...he still loved me but felt our life together had run its course. I again suggested counseling, a change in jobs, etc. and he was adamant about wanting to do nothing what that and I should cancel our spring trip next week.
So last night I talked no R and H seemed relieved but this morning H clearly has something on his mind. And, I promise to take advice and not talk about it and focus on myself.
H is aware of all the logistical problems with moving, telling his family, etc. I really told him I thought he was going through a MLC, but he totally disagrees. H just says he is done and wants a new life and new opportunities, he just wants to find happiness.
Again, the hardest part is we are together so much and he is not going to move out until decisions are made so we are together all the time and it is so difficult not to talk R. Does H staying here mean there is hope?
On one hand I would like him to move out and push him to be alone and make some decisions on his own. I feel like I've made it too comfortable for him; but on the other hand, I love him so much and would like him to stay. However, things are at the point where it is the same of sh%*t every day and I feel like I'm walking on eggshells.
Any other advice would be welcomed. I speak to a DB phone counselor this afternoon for the first time.
Thank you, Michele
M 42 H 41 No Kids Married 1993 together since 1986 Bomb dropped 5/16/09 H still in home
