FYI--- I would not continually tell your h that the kids will figure this all out. It may seem like a way to wake him up but it'll probably backfire on YOU. Frankly, yes they will figure this out. BUT they will also still love him and want to accept him and he will very likely feel forced to vilify you to justify himself.
Instead of reminding him of what they'll learn about him, just remind him of how you'll encourage their relationships. A guy can be a lousy h but a decent father. Since I think being a good h is part of being a great dad, I can only say "decent" father. But that's better than nothing, which is what some kids get when their bio dads feel too guilty to come around. So lose the guilt tripping b/c it'll hurt your kids and lessen any chance of a recon. The worse he feels about their view of him, the LESS likely he'll want to be part of their lives. Yes - you think/hope the opposite. You think he'll bend over backwards to -- what? COME BACK? No, that would prove he was wrong. The longer they believe that this is some sort of mutual problem, the more likely you have a chance of him feeling able to return. In the Art of War, (sorry for that reference) the author says you need to "Build a golden bridge for your enemy to retreat upon" and DB says you need to "Keep the Road Home Paved and Smooth.".
By "outing" him & OW at this point, or threatening it, indirectly, you are creating hurdles for him, rather than cornering him into a return the way you hoped.
I mean I do see that he MIGHT wake up and say "oh crap! I now value their opinions of me more than I value the thrill of OW" but he may instead think he can do a pretty good job of making you wrong, and him just "following his heart and finding his soul mate" and blah blah blah....but if he marries her, (UNLIKELY) then when they divorce (2nd M's that are due to adultery, have an 80% divorce rate --so good luck on that M if it happens)....tell the wedding guests to save their gift receipts---oh and then he'll have even more 'splainin' to do. Don't go down that worry road. Not yet anyhow. He's far from that position. I mean if he planned on marrying her, how would he keep them from meeting her? in sum, he does not plan on marrying her anytime soon.
As I may have said, you both would face risks in a reconciliation. He'd face the risk that you'll hold this over his head for life, or throw it in his face every fight, OR expect your demands and choices to be followed in an unequal M, b/c you are "sooo owed"...and he faces the risks that whatever changes you make are mere tactics to get him back and you'll revert to the "before" picture, as soon as you feel secure with him, IF that ever happens. And you face the risk of another A or more deception. And of becoming a bitter woman and lousy role model for your kids.
Making the other parent look bad increases the risks on all fronts. I think you know this and I admire you for your selfless approach here. It's healthy. Not fun, but healthy and given the..."givens" you really are doing your best. I don't have much else to say except Carry On.
((( j )))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
