Had the talk last night - she was not surprised that it was coming. As expected she challenged me on my statement that i knew about her and ____. "know what?, who told you?, what did they say?". I asked to let me finish and she did. She continued to ask about why I think she was involved with ___ and I was firm in my response - I just know, that's all I'm going to tell you. She finally accepted that. She stated that they were just friends and that she was always with him with her other girlfriends, never out alone. I know that the continual texting constitues an EA. I feel I do know her well enough to believe that there is no PA. But the whole being on the pill thing distrubs me. If no PA, then why on the pill. Again, could be a medical need. I feel I need to ask her if she has been faithful to me. I think she will give a a straight answer, but... should I ask? I think her answer may help me determine my course of action - but would I do something different if I knew she was unfaithful to me or not? Not sure if I need to know or just want to know. (thinking it would it be good to have if we end up down the D path).
Although I wasn't expecting it, we did evolve into a R talk. She said that she wasn't happy, ILYBNILWY message, wondered if she was ever in love with me. A lot of hurtful things, but also encouraging things. She said I don't listen, and much to her credit she gave me specifics. Like a 2x4 to the forehaed I realized she was right. I hadn't listened to her last fall when our M problems first came up and we talked about seperation. We had many months of hard times, I was working on my GAL and making progress. I felt she seemed to notice because then she started to act differently toward me, and she seemed to be faling in love with me. Best sex I have had in years. We were affectionate, talking, and laughing. I continued to let her have her space (her own GAL), and I continued on mine. But now I wonder if I was so happy that she was back that I stopped listening. I asked her if she was happy last fall and she said no, she was not. I should have probed more, but didn't.
She said she did love me. She said I deserved to be happy. I am a great husband, father, provider. I have given her everything she can hope for - we raise great kids, she has her "dream home". I provide for her and am there for her. But she said she's not happy, she hasn't been for several years, maybe ever. She said she doesnt know if she ever was in love with me. She never had that "spark" with me, That feeling of wanting someone, of desiring someone so much. I asked her what that meant - what does she need to have that would make her desire someone so much. "I don't know".
I aksed her if she would go to counseling to try and see if she could help figure out what she needed to be happy. She said no - she needs to figure this out on her own. I told her counseling had helped me and I think it would help her. She again refused and said she has to work this out on her own and that her friends will help her. I stopped pushing.
I asked her what she needed - she doesn't know, but brought up the seperation thing. She's afraid of what it will do to the kids. She doesn't want to be in a loveless marriage, but also is concerned about the kids and what a seperation would do to them. She said our D18 is noticing that things aren't right between us. I asked her multiple times if a seperation is what she wanted. "I don't know". I asked her if she expected me to move out. "I don't know", she said. She knows she can not afford to live on her own and she stated that. She works part time, which helps cover some of our "extras". I know I can live without her income, but she can not live without mine. I think that is very concerning to her.
We made a decision years ago that she would be a stay at home mom until our kids were grown. She started working part time about three years ago to help supplement our HH income. She hates her job (actually, likes her job, but does not like her boss), but loves where she works and the people she works with. I fully supported her decision to stay home and truly feel it is one of the reasons we have some wonderful kids. She is a great parent.
I told her that my position is that I am not willing to move out. I told her that I think she needs some alone time to figure out what she needs and wants, and if that includes me or not. I told her I would support her in whatever she wants to do - thinking now that that might have been a mistake, especially as I consider going dark on her right now.
She told me I deserve better than her. I deserve the best. I told here that that was really my decision to make, not hers and I have decided that I deserve her. I told her that she is a great mom, wife, lover. But also told her that I am not willing to live in a loveless marriage either.
At that point, the kids came home and interrupted our conversation. She left for a drive and I started dinner. She returned about an hour later (after dinner), and then said she was going to Costco. I said I needed some stuff as well and she said to come along with her. We took our youngest S14 along as well, so no further R conversation. Returned home, she went to do some gardening, I watched some of the hockey game with my S16, and then went to bed. I was so tired from 3 days on little sleep that I couldn't stay awake much longer. Finally had a good night sleep and feel some much better today.
I am also encouraged. Although some hard and painful statements and messages were conveyed yesterday, everything that I experienced has been experienced by others. I need to re-read MWD's books again. I need to continue on my GAL plans. I need to dig further into these message boards for support and advice.
Should I go dark now? We left so many things open yesterday that I'm thinking not yet. We need to set some more definetd "rules" about what I will accept, how we deal with the kids, friends, others if we do seperate.
Even though last night was tough, it's just something that we needed to go through. We had a relapse, I stopped doing what I should have been doing and felt that our issues had been resolved when she started acting differently toward me last fall. But we didn't resolve the underlying issues and still need to do that.
Right now, I'm thinking of leaving everything alone for a while and see if she will start anything. But also wondering if I should prompt a follow up talk or not.
I would appreciate any advice or suggestions on next steps.
