It's all ablazin'....

[Startingover2]

Laughing would have been awesome. Would have made him wonder all day long.

[blindsided1]

Believe me...I wanted to laugh. But, I didn't. You know, I feel pretty good lately and my feeling for my SBXH are simmering down. But, there are still times when I am soooo angry at him for doing this. I think about K and how her Dad just isn't there for her. He is with his son all the time and not his daughter except for 1 day a week. I suppose that I should look at it from another point of view...I get to be with her and raise her my way, and knowing what kind of screwed up person H is...it's probably better that he doesn't have a daily influence on her. But, I still get angry for destroying our family, for starting a new one and for walking out on us. I say US because he did..he walked out on his family. I hope he realizes that some day...

Other than that lots of stuff going on. Lots of changes coming. I am looking for a new job. I've been with my company for 10 years and I am not happy anymore. Times are rough. The owner is in way over his head....debt-wise. I'm worried we wont be here in 6 months. And, a lot of the stress is being put on me. I am carrying the burden of cleaning up his debt mess and the messes created by others over the last 10 years and it is a lot of pressure on me. I'm stressed to the max, not appreciated and under-paid. I know times are rough, but people ARE hiring. So, I'm looking. Wish me luck. I could really use a turn of events....that are good, not hard.

[blindsided1]

I've been re-reading my older posts and reading some new poster's threads. I feel a sadness in my heart because I know I have given up. I'm ready to D my H. I'm ready to move on. My hope for a reconciliation is lost. I don't want to live my life "wanting" something that just can't be. I don't want to waste anymore of my precious time, my heart, my tears over someone that ....well, frankly...is not good enough for me, anymore. I had hoped and prayed that God would help me get over my H. It seems he has answered that one. So, why am I sad?

[blindsided1]

That's the other thing....I really can't see me taking the risk of letting him back in (if it came to that). If he left again, I couldn't bear to go through the last year and a half over again. I can't even imagine it. For a long time I truly wanted to see proof that their life wasn't perfect. I don't need the proof anymore. I don't care about their life and the one of the reasons I know I am close to the end of this is 1) I kinda feel like she did me a favor...I wouldn't have ever left him...no matter how awful he was...I stick even when it's not good for me. I hope I have changed in that respect. 2) I can say her name without throwing up APRIL APRIL APRIL APRIL APRIL. See? I kept my breakfast down.

[Startingover2]

Dang! You have come so far. I feel the same as you. I do get hurt sometimes when I hear things but its more 'wtf was wrong with our life?' I definately don't miss the crap and the person he is.

[Babygirl]

hey girlie stopping in to check on you!! wow about saying her name, I sure cant do that without anger or sickness yet. I know your pain about H not being there for K, mine is doing the same, and its breaking my D16 down real bad.

You have come so far, and it hurts, it probably will for a long time.

thinking of you!!

[blindsided1]

I'm a work in progress.

[S.T. _I Made It!]

sorry I've been absent. It sounds like your doing okay, cept for the job thing. I'm sure you will find a great job, it might take a little longer with the economy, but your a smart woman.

[Startingover2]

You are doing so much better. Good luck on the job thing.

People keep telling me my exh is slowly self destructing. I believe yours is too.

[blindsided1]

Well, H called yesterday on my way home from work. He asked if he was picking K up on Friday, duh. He already knows this. The second he asked, I knew it was going to be one of "those" conversations. And, it was. Asking me if we were together would I consider this or that sexually. Would I talk dirty to him. I just said, "look, we aren't together. This is confusing to me. It makes it hard for me to move on when you still talk about having sex with me." He said "what do you mean move on?" What do you think I mean? Then I said I just want for us to get along. Things are bad between us and I would like for them to be better. He then asked if I was seeing someone. I hesitated and said "no." He said, "you're lying". I said that I was not seeing anyone. To which he asked then if I have a "friend with benefits". I said "no. I have only been with you in the last 8 years. I am still married and until that is final, I can't be with someone else." Then he asked me if I have filed the papers for our finalization. I said that I hadn't but, I would have it done in the next 10-15 days, just waiting for CSS to call me for my interview. "What interview? For What?" Then I realized, Uh, oh...if we start talking about the CS...fight fight fight. So, I said "hey, can I call you back? I have another call." He said, "we'll just talk about this Saturday when I see you." And, I hung up...no other call. Just needed to get off the phone.

He's crazy.