Thank you Sandi for taking so much time to read up on my situation. I buy into some of what you're saying, however the newer developments that you haven't yet read may change your story somewhat.
I haven't posted a lot of detail, but my W's trips to see the OM were not disappointments to her, at least not in that way. Let me tell the backstory:
My W reconnected with this OM from her past, and they started exchanging e-mails. She started pouring her heart out to him about her dissatisfaction in her life, and how I just don't get her. He was very receptive and gave her standard lines back "You deserve so much better, you can't live your life like this, etc." She was thrilled to have someone validate her like that. In the real world, I was very much trying to the same, but under the burden of the real world responsibilities we were facing. When she got to the point where she truly felt the OM was a better man than me, she told me our marraige was over. Then she immediately turned on the sexual heat in the e-mails, got the hours long phone calls going, eventually web cam sex, etc. She was convinced she found her true soul mate. Even though I was able to get her to open up to me over Christmas, crack her resolve, and she even offered to sleep in our bed together, it didn't last. She moved out on New Year's Day. She then began free and regular contact with OM, and was having much web cam sex, longing to be together in person.
Here's what I know about her trips in chronolgical order:
First trip back in February, she was an emotional train wreck leading up to it. A week before leaving she just showed up at my house unannounced one morning and raided my medicine cabinet for anti-anxiety pills. She then sent me an e-mail later that morning and said she was in emotional crisis and that she was doubting her decisions. I e-mailed back that we should go see the MC so she can work out how she's feeling. She said maybe. She then called me that night and said she wanted to come back to "our" house and sleep in "our" bed. Here's where I should have been very tough, but I crumbled. I said "if you're feelings are pulling you back here, then you should see where they lead." I know now I should have been tough and said "The only time you'll ever sleep in our bed together is when I'm convinced you're here to stay!" After she saw I was still emotionally hers, her anxiety was reduced and her resolve to go on the trip strenthened. I was able to find out that when she returned from her first trip she said she was in love with him. Very odd though, just two days after she returned, I was coaching my son's basketball team and we were playing a game with my W watching from the stands. After the game she comes up to me and says "Don't take this to mean more than was it is, but you really look great out there," and I could see in her face she meant it. This is from a woman who previously told me she was in no way attracted to me anymore. I played it cool and just lightly commented back "You look great too," to which she looked sad and said "This is just tragic."
Second trip. I do know the phone and e-mail and web cam intereractions between them did start to become much more non-sexual and routine after that first trip, but she was still pursuing him very intensely, and he was struggling with what possible future they could have together given that they're stuck so far away. He was getting ready to end the relationship, and so my W stepped up her schedule to go see him again 6 weeks later. I responded to her very angrily that there was no way she should be leaving the kids again and spending money on another trip when we're barely paying our bills. She tried to stand up to me and told me "I'm a grown woman and I can do what I want," to which I replied I want to step up our legal mediation. She very much crumbled again, and called me very contritely claiming that she knows it bad time for her to go, but that she has some leads on PhD reserach there and she really wants to see where they go, and yes, she'll be seeing him too, but that's not the only reaon. I told her I didn't believe her, but I said my peace, so I dropped it. I don't know for sure what was going on, but she was acting very weird before going. She even invited me to go with her and the kids to see a play the very night before she left, and we had a really nice time, and was crying when she dropped off the kids to my house. She did call the kids a few times when she was gone, and acted very contrite when she did it, and genuinely thanked me for letting her talk to them. She got back on our son's birthday, and she brought gifts for everyone, including me, which I found very odd. Right after she returned, I could see she was starting to emotionally crumble. During a lunch I had with her, her wall came down and she told me she's been really hating me, but that she likes how I've been changing, and that she just wants to take it a day at a time with me.
A week later, she has a massive emotional crisis, and I find out they "broke up", which I later found meant that he told her there was no way he was every going to move here, and she can't move there because of our kids. She was a wreck, and went on anti-depressants. After a few roller coaster weeks, she started to act more normal and happy, and that's when our R started to improve. I thought her A was over, so my guard was down, and we stated to act a little more normal together. After our last interactions, I could feel myself getting pulled dangerously back in, so I needed to find out what was going on. I found that they were incapable to really breaking things off, because the long distance sex thing was just too erotic to pass up. My W has taken the pressure of him, saying don't worry if you can ever move here, she's going to get her divorce wrapped up, get her career in order, get a house, and maybe in five years they can see where they are. Wow, talk about a long term plan. She's also trying to plan several more trips for them to see each other.
The big picture here, my W is completely infatuated with this OM. As long as he'll string her along, she keep coming back for more. Will her pride and self-esteem eventually cause her to step back and say "What am I doing?" Who knows?
As far as her and my R, she is lonely, and I'm someone safe and comfy, and the father of her kids. We have a natural easiness between us that I keep hoping will lead back to an intimate relationship, but I think that's wishful thinking, particularly in the short term. Once my W's long distance A really runs its course, which could take YEARS, yes then I could see her feeling returning for me, but that's an awful long time. Meanwhile, it's easy to cast me in this role as surrogate boyfriend, getting emotional and financial support from me, then dumping me when she has a chance for the excitement of being with the OM. It's a role I refuse to take.
