No Mat, It's not me that needs the clarification. No contact means no communication what so ever and H knows that he just chooses to keep talking to her when he can get info or opinion somewhere else. I gave him the chance to tell me both times and he chose not to.
Need to decide what im'e going to do but im"e not going down the same cheeseless tunnel again.Just have to get my thoughts in order and look at this through H's eyes before i do any thing.
You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when, you can only decide how you're going to live now. ~Joan Baez
J, I don't think H knows why he has the desire and compulsion to keep contact with OP. I was working with a recovering alcoholic client in my professional work setting. I performed a guided meditation exercise to help her be more aware of her desire to drink. She described the desire as being intense, almost sexual. When I asked her, what was missing in her life, she answered, connection.
She needed my assistance to gain this insight. Otherwise, her pattern was to try and fight the desire, and be upset with herself for having it, and giving in to it.
I'm guessing our WAS's who have affairs are equally lacking in insight into the nature of their desires and compulsions. They may have racing minds with poor capacity for attention, that makes such insight difficult to attain.
Is your H ready to truly understand why he has this desire to contact the OP, and to see what is missing in his life, and work towards getting those needs met in healthier ways? Has he done any work yet on himself?
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
That is just it I feel he hasn't Just keeps waiting for it to just go away. Thats what I keep thinking about. When do I give up and move on, If he is not willing to do the work. J
You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when, you can only decide how you're going to live now. ~Joan Baez
J, When you say give up, what from? What are you trying to accomplish with the M? Do you mean give up the M, or give up an approach you've been trying?
Moving on can mean different things. Moving on can mean putting less energy into the M. Do you mean a D, or again not putting as much energy into the M, or accepting that a desire of yours isn't realistic at this time?
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
I have thought about what you just posted and I really am not sure. At times I want out of the M and others just want to start over with something different and can't figure out how to go about it.
H has said he is having trouble connecting but doesn't seem interested in doing the work on himself to get the C back. He says he knows what he is doing is wrong and that his feelings for her aren't real but will do nothing about it. Im'e trying to decide if I confront him with the fact I know he is talking to her.
JAK
You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when, you can only decide how you're going to live now. ~Joan Baez
Jo, I think you should let him know that you know and how hurt you are because of it. I think perhaps a letter or email would be the easiest. It gives you time to think and get your feelings out there. Perhaps you should read James Dobson's Tough Love book and get some ideas. It teaches tough love without burning bridges. I read the book a long time ago. I just with I had been strong enough to implement his ideas, I think I would have closure one way or the other right now.
Hugs
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
Im'e thinking of doing that but, I was waiting to see if the convo's got personal or if it is just really concern for the friend of ours. Not that it makes it right because there is still supposed to be no contact. Im'e just wondering if he is trying to ease into more personal talk with her. thanks for responding.
JAK
Last edited by JoJo's circus; 05/19/0904:46 PM.
You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when, you can only decide how you're going to live now. ~Joan Baez
