Yeah, I feel really good now because I am starting to see the "script" coming. Words versus action. Who knows where this will go, but this would not have gone this way today if not for this board. Thanks so much! It was REALLY hard in the moment, but I feel pretty OK right now.
H35 W34 S4 | T-10 yrs M-6 yrs WAW said M over 04/09 | Living separate since 09/09 Thread #1 Thread #2 Thread #3
JKL, you don't know me very well, but others will tell you that -- if anything -- I'm the resident gloom-and-doomer. But I gotta tell you, reading your lists, I think you have a great deal to be hopeful about!
There is a truism around here of "Believe NONE of what they tell you, and only HALF of what they do." Put another way, you should try to make decisions based upon her ACTIONS, not her WORDS, and I think it's striking that most of the things on the "bad" list are just WORDS -- and totally "SCRIPT" at that!
Her actions tell me that she's still very much open to you. Keep up with your positive changes, stay detached (DON'T try to pursue or go all "needy/grabby"!), and remain patient.
My two cents.
Puppy
I am going to bed being a bit more hopeful! This evening's events make me see hope in the actions...
H35 W34 S4 | T-10 yrs M-6 yrs WAW said M over 04/09 | Living separate since 09/09 Thread #1 Thread #2 Thread #3
This morning as we were getting ready to go to work, getting S ready, etc. I noticed W was looking a little, I don't know...off. I asked her what was wrong and she said she was angry. She said she thought she was done being angry but she was thinking about what was discussed last night and back to other things and it was making her angry. I said I understood and I appreciated her telling me her feelings.
I feel like that is an OK thing - anger is better than apathy right? Just looking for hope here. I also think it is healthy she is communicating and telling me her feelings.
H35 W34 S4 | T-10 yrs M-6 yrs WAW said M over 04/09 | Living separate since 09/09 Thread #1 Thread #2 Thread #3
I feel like that is an OK thing - anger is better than apathy right? Just looking for hope here. I also think it is healthy she is communicating and telling me her feelings.
Yes it is good. What worked to get you to this point?
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
This morning as we were getting ready to go to work, getting S ready, etc. I noticed W was looking a little, I don't know...off. I asked her what was wrong and she said she was angry. She said she thought she was done being angry but she was thinking about what was discussed last night and back to other things and it was making her angry. I said I understood and I appreciated her telling me her feelings.
I feel like that is an OK thing - anger is better than apathy right? Just looking for hope here. I also think it is healthy she is communicating and telling me her feelings.
Yep -- absolutely. You're getting the hang of this.
Now, try to just respond with answers like that when SHE brings up stuff in her 'pit.' DON'T initiate the "what's wrong?"/"is something bothering you?" talks.
I feel like that is an OK thing - anger is better than apathy right? Just looking for hope here. I also think it is healthy she is communicating and telling me her feelings.
Yes it is good. What worked to get you to this point?
Reading things here, getting my head on straight, just that sort of thing. I have really looked hard at myself and I think I am smart enough to know the changes I need for me to be a better person, to handle this all better, and (as a possible outcome) hopefully save my M.
H35 W34 S4 | T-10 yrs M-6 yrs WAW said M over 04/09 | Living separate since 09/09 Thread #1 Thread #2 Thread #3
Yep -- absolutely. You're getting the hang of this.
Now, try to just respond with answers like that when SHE brings up stuff in her 'pit.' DON'T initiate the "what's wrong?"/"is something bothering you?" talks.
I hear you. The tough thing is I worry that not being forthcoming with empathy is one of the things that caused her to walk away. I guess I just need to focus now on my actions and creating a pull so she engages me?
H35 W34 S4 | T-10 yrs M-6 yrs WAW said M over 04/09 | Living separate since 09/09 Thread #1 Thread #2 Thread #3
I think that you are doing the right thing to detach more. I also think you are lucky to have her in the house still. My h is already out and I feel it would be so much easier to put DR into action and have more hope if he were still in the house. Keep being the man she wants to be around...and be a little more mysterious with your time.
But I gotta tell you, reading your lists, I think you have a great deal to be hopeful about!