I don't think you really believe that your wife has narcissistic personality disorder--that's one step down from a sociopath, dude--or that she is truly vapid and shallow. I don't think you would have stayed for 20 years with someone like that.
I'm certainly not a qualified expert, but she does exhibit almost all of the symptoms, so yes, I do. I don't think she's off-the-charts NPD, but it does all make sense. It's not normal for someone to take two hours to get ready to go somewhere, or over an hour just to get ready to go to the gym to work out, or 15 minutes gazing at herself in a mirror, I'm sorry.
I have stayed out of some combination of love, fear, and wanting to do what's best for my kids, and because I never learned how to assert myself until recently (and I'm still learning).
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One question: how did you "do what worked" the other weekend when you ML twice? I saw no information that you posted about what led up to that.
Well, there are two theories. One is that we had a nice time together that evening, just bonding, talking, and more than a little wine, and that the pending divorce (our 2nd -- and most likely final -- appt. with the mediator was scheduled for 7 days later, and we were due to tell our boys we were divorcing 8 days later) took all of the pressure off of us as "husband" and "wife" and we were able to relax and have a good time. The other is that it is ONLY when there is some gun to her head that my wife is sufficiently motivated to try to dig down deep and find the effort necessary to be affectionate. When I try to look impartially at the evidence, I can say that there have been HUNDREDS of times in our marriage when I have been playful, relaxed, we've talked for hours, and had a nice date. Those that led to sex I could count on two hands. On the other hand, there have been only a handful of times when we've had a pending "gun" -- separation, divorce, scheduled talk with our kids, etc. ALL of those times led to sex, and a return to intimacy by my wife.
Additionally, after those two nights two weekends ago, I CONTINUED to be flirty, playful, confident, etc., and spend quality time with her. After just two nights of sex, the difference in her was palpable -- it was right back to the old, cold Mrs. Puppy.
