I see your Pastors point, but only you can truly decide what you think is best for your sitch. On the one hand, it might show him all he'll be missing out on. Don't you think he's thought about that though? On the other hand, it is a connection. That slope can be very slippery and quite treacherous. I went for the other hand and in some ways it's better b/c of D14 (got some serious stuff going on there) and she needs to just "hang" in a safe place with him. I know that it's his responsibility etc, and it's looking to change soon, but I would just say be very cautious. It's can be really hard on you esp early on with all the yo-yo effect.
I know that this is early on for you operating out of fear is the norm, but you cna't make decisions based on your fears. What's the worse case scenario? Divorce? Well, you've already got a final date. That's in the works, as it were. Are you afraid he'll get mad and not come around? Sometimes our grief is the last connection we have with them. We're afraid to loose that last thread. Looking out for yourself though is the ticket to turning that thread into a rope.
Thank You so much for responding. I'm at home now with my dial-up computer. (poo) took me forever just to get online, guess that's why I usually wait until Monday thru Friday at work.
I feel like I'm going crazy. I know I have to detach from H somewhat but it's hard. My Pastor is pretty straight forward with alot of things. He took my H out of communion on our Sunday worship services. My H- is mad (happened about 2 months ago) he refuses to go to church now because of that. I told him to go talk to Pastor about it. H can't face him (he's too direct for him !!) Pastor told me earlier today the reason for no communion for him isn't because of the A it is because H will not give him a valid reason for the D.
Pastor was actually D himself about 26 years ago. His X had an affair and he filed. I wonder if that is why he's so adament on me not including him in our lives for anything ??
I just don't know what to do, I feel as though if I try my hardest up until the D then I can say I tried my hardest to not lose my marriage. Then come D-day I will have to cut him out of our lives. Of course he will still see his daughter but no more bed time prayers with her (unless it's his weekend) and no eating over with us and heavens no more lawn mowing for me. Some times I think the lawn mowing for me will be the worst to lose his help on (ha-ha)
This weekend his "his weekend" sometimes he gets D4 at noon on saturday and sometimes ??? who knows when. Tonight when he dropped D4 off at home he was very quiet (probably afraid from the kiss he gave me last night) but of course he said sorry that he couldn't stay longer but he'd make it up to me Saturday. What in the world?? See it's his weekend and he doesn't want to take her to his parents house and I'm sure he'll want to stay at our house with her overnight. He'll tell me that I can go out and he'll just watch TV.
What do I do?? My heart wants him to stay of course forever but I don't want to get "used" either. I'm sure he thinks of the D-day as well, and what the hell does he think will happen to this comfort zone that he now has at our house??
I know it will be another sleepless night but with alot of prayer I hope to find peace.
Me: 46 H: 38 D: 6 M: 8-2-2003 Left Nov. 28, 2008 - He filed for D 2-18-09 1st D-Day was 6/9/09 H missing papers FINAL: 8/1/09 done thru the mail
See it's his weekend and he doesn't want to take her to his parents house and I'm sure he'll want to stay at our house with her overnight. He'll tell me that I can go out and he'll just watch TV.
While I won't pretend to know what's best for you, I will say that having him come into your home (the house may belong to both of you, but it's your home) on his weekends will at first seem like a way to keep an open connection and of course it's good for your D right? If there's one thing I do have experience with it's having an H that comes to my home to "visit" D's. Looking back, I would probably do it the same, but every sitch is different. Has it helped me? No. Has it helped my D's? D14 specifically, yes. D16 don't think it matters much either way.
I'm about to the point where it needs to stop regardless of D14 (unless her C has stong opinions to the contrary).
I wish I could say something that would make that crazy feeling stop even for a second.
Quote:
Pastor was actually D himself about 26 years ago. His X had an affair and he filed. I wonder if that is why he's so adament on me not including him in our lives for anything ??
Of course his own experiences color how he sees things. That's just what it is to be human. Don't you think this experience (regardless of the outcome) will change how you see things? If you find his guidance helpful by all means use it. Pardon the pun, but don't take everything he says on faith. You have to think too. God helps those...
I hope you do find some peace and some sleep tonight.
Sure enough Saturday came and H finally came to see D-4 around 5ish. He brought supper over and thanked me for watching her for him (he never called to ask he just never showed up till 5ish) working on fixing up his brothers house (I guess). I really didn't want to go out for the evening, but yes he did want to stay overnight and foolishly I let him. H on the couch when I got home around 12:30.
On sunday he stayed at our house all day with d-4. He mowed the lawn again and fixed barb wire fence so cows don't get out. He was so nice, then he gave me the Marital settlement agreement and wanted me to sign. I said no, he told me he had to turn it in 10 days before the court date and needed my signature. I said no my lawyer will look at it. One nice thing is he hasn't changed his mind, I get our farm he wants nothing from me. I then told him that this "nice" arrangements we have now will change come D-day, no lawn mowing and no putting d-4 to bed. I can't believe he asked me why couldn't it continue. I just told him that he wanted this D and come that nasty day our lives will completely be changed forever. As usual he said nothing.
Even after all of that he wanted to stay for d-4 bedtime, then he hung out with me till 10:30 then he said that it was time for him to go. I walked him to the door and he gave me the biggest hug. I know he shouldn't be hanging out with me but it is so nice, we don't fight (we very rarely did even when we were together) The bad part is, in my mind I almost feel that our relationship is better with divorce coming up. I don't want to lose my marriage but maybe we need to and someday maybe we will find each other again. If it was meant to be.
Me: 46 H: 38 D: 6 M: 8-2-2003 Left Nov. 28, 2008 - He filed for D 2-18-09 1st D-Day was 6/9/09 H missing papers FINAL: 8/1/09 done thru the mail
You're right that the D will change things. If/when you get into another R, that will changes things too. I'm not surprised he said nothing. What is there to say to that. It isn't about being mean or blaming IMO, it's just a fact.
Your R may be better right now b/c he feels like the pressure is off (and he still gets to do what he wants). I hope it lasts for you and that you two can find a way if that's what you want.
Thanks for talking, it really means alot to me. My head just spins 24/7. I want him to be with us and stay but then I know the D-day is coming soon. He small talks with me but nothing great. I remember yesterday he was really down on himself. I just told him that his life is crazy right now and it will get better for him. Argh!! In this crazy situation I'd really like to tell him that he's really screwing up this family. I know I will have to set stricter boundaries but I'm confused. Do you think I should eliminate his putting D-4 to bed & spending time with me? Eliminate it all together or just limited the frequency?
I know he only spends time doing that when he doesn't have plans. It's all about H right now. There is nights when he brings D-4 home at 6pm and he's in a rush to leave. All dressed up and ready to go somewhere ??. D-4 begs him to stay and he'll just say - daddy has to go to work. Then other nights I can't get him to go.
When will this ride be over ?? I really don't think he wants this divorce. If he wanted the divorce then why would he come over to mow grass, cook on grill, fix fences, etc?? When he was living at the house, he used to crab about fixing all the things.
He tells me he just wants to be friends after the D. Oh my, I would just like to punch him in the nose. It's like he has no concept of how this will change everyone's lives.
Maybe I should make a punching bag out of my cows - corn feed bags. Ha !
Me: 46 H: 38 D: 6 M: 8-2-2003 Left Nov. 28, 2008 - He filed for D 2-18-09 1st D-Day was 6/9/09 H missing papers FINAL: 8/1/09 done thru the mail
Do you think that when my H approaches me with the d-papers I should discuss them with him or should I tell him I won't talk about it because I don't want this divorce.
All of his papers are very simple. He wants me to have everything - house & all furnishings. He offered to pay the daycare and any tuition costs. I really can't fight him on any of it. Except the fact that I don't want the divorce, there is not awhole lot to discuss.
You are all my life line right now and I really appreciate it.
Me: 46 H: 38 D: 6 M: 8-2-2003 Left Nov. 28, 2008 - He filed for D 2-18-09 1st D-Day was 6/9/09 H missing papers FINAL: 8/1/09 done thru the mail
I know that what you're trying to accomplish by all this is to stop the D. What do you think not talking with him over the D papers will do? it may not stop anything. I think alot of them do the "friends" thing. I know that some people are capable of it. I'm not sure I am. You are spinning b/c this is all so new to you. I've been at this over 2 years. While my H has not had me served or proceeded with D. He will. It's what he wants. i can't stop it. I have told him I won't help him. I think he's thinking that with enough time, I'll come around and even be willing to do it as cheaply as possible (one or no lawyers involved). Truth be told though, we don't know what they are thinking.
With regards to your D4. That is really up to you and I know esp now it's a really hard call. Is is good for her, sure. Is it bad for you....sounds like. Yo have to take care of you before you can take care of her (put your own oxygen mask on first...).
I wish I could tell you I have some answers (I don't) even just for me. I still don't know what the heck I'm doing. I say and do things that may not be DB, but they seem to work for me on some level. You're just so twisted up right now, you can't hear your own thoughts.
I just got on my computer at work, until my brother (my boss) comes in anyway.
I'm just as confused as always. Mixed messages for sure. H dropped d-4 off (they were plowing up the fields for H's father) B-4 he dropped her off he texted me that he was in a hurry he had to get back into the field. I just texted back "ok". When he dropped d-4 off he chatted for awhile. He even told me if I had time tonight I should text him because he'd be plowing until dark. I just said, "I know how busy you will be in the field, and I don't want to bother you so if you want to text me you can if you want". Well sure enough he did, small talk nothing big. The only thing strange that I have been noticing is that he gets a little "dirty" when he texts. Sometimes, not always. Not sure if he's trying to flirt or just has nasty thoughts. Our texting was short, I've been exhausted and D-4 hasn't been sleeping good and I was looking forward to prayer and bed. Today started off not so good, my cows were out of fence @ 4:30 am. I thought he fixed the fence the other day (who knows maybe he broke it for me instead) So that's how I started my day !! I need to get a herding dog to help (ha-ha)
I really enjoy our conversations. How is everything going for you today??
Me: 46 H: 38 D: 6 M: 8-2-2003 Left Nov. 28, 2008 - He filed for D 2-18-09 1st D-Day was 6/9/09 H missing papers FINAL: 8/1/09 done thru the mail
