You saw me over in Puppy's thread and invited me to come by and read your stitch. I am down to page 5 scanning over most of it. I have to tell you that your W is very much typical. I could talk for a long time as to "why" she got to that place she was in, but your counselor has probably already discussed most of that with you. What you need to know is about "now". I apologize for not taking time to read all the replies you received and I may repeat some advice you have already been given.
I feel that your W's A is over. Even if she was still making contact through emails with the OM it is probably b/c she misses the "friendship". Yes, I know it is very weird! However, if she is getting any type of feedback that gives her ego a boost at all, then she will continue to contact until she is sick of him, sees through his game, or comes to her senses and realizes she has no feelings at all and does not want even a friendship with him. Probably, when they met for the "great" PA, she found out it was not near the fantasy she built up in her mind and was left very disappointed. He probably pushed for the second meeting and she went just to be able to hang onto him. You don't know the details of either of those meetings and they could have been disasterous for all you know. He may not have even been able to perform, which has been known to happen in these cases.
Based on what I have read so far, I think she is quickly seeing the reality of what she has done but still has a ways to go to get out of her funk. I truly belive she still loves you. There are many things that has to be worked through on both sides here. Your biggest part will be to completely forgive her. If you can't.....it won't work. So, the question I have for you so that I will know more how to approach this subject is to ask you if you are a Christian. Not everbody that comes to this board is a Christian and it certainly is not required, but many are and as I xaid, it helps me to know more about how to talk to you.
Anyway, your ego, self-esteem, pride, manhood.........all of it has been shot down......or rather it would have been if you had not already been working so hard on yourself! Just think how devastating it would have been on you in that area, if you had not decided to do the "make-over" earlier on. At least you had that going for you. Still, the forgiveness is a huge issue and I know some H's that have taken their wayward wife back but never completely forgave them and they continued to have problems. There was always that undercurrent in the R. Therefore, you must decide if you think you can forgive her completely and accept her back as your wife and never bring up the subject of what she did and throw that in her face when you get angry at her. That is when it would be tempting to do.
She seems, to me, to be warming up to you very much. She is giving you all the right signals! However, that is not to say that she is ready to jump into bed with you. Since I don't know her.....I could be wrong about that and maybe she is, but I'll base this on what little knowledge and experience I have and say the timing is not ready yet. She needs to have an old fashion "courting" time with you. She craves romance, male attention, flirting, etc. That is what she wants from you at this time.
She also needs to know if you can forgive her before she feels that she can emotionally invests into a possible reunion with you. Wheather she will have the courage to bring the subject up or not, that is yet to be seen. Unless this has happened before I finish reading the thread. I have heard of a few that did ask their H's for forgiveness, but only a few. Every H wants to hear a remorseful apology from their WW. But, I can tell you it is a possibility that it will not come until after a reunion and she feels that it is safe to talk about it. It was a long time before I truly felt remoseful b/c I was so resentful toward my H. That is a very long story, and I won't get into it b/c this is about you and your W......not me.
Quote:
"Are you two in love?" I looked straight at my W and waited for a reply. She got a little flustered and delayed looking at me, but after a moment she looked at me and said "A kind of love, a very special bond and friendship." I reached out and we tightly hugged, I kissed her on the shoulder, then I pulled back and cradled her face in my hands like I used to, looked in her eyes and smiled at her. She didn't stop me or pull away, nor did she say anything. I let the moment end and said we should get going.
After this quote, you asked if that was a "backslide". I do not see it as a backslide. I see it as a babystep forward to a future together. The first step is finding your way back together as friends. If you can't learn to like each other and be friends, then being lovers will never work even if you are attracted to each other. She was hesitant b/c she was not sure how you would react. I think you handled it perfectly and gave her a sign that you still loved her.......without saying too much or even showing too much expectations.
I have to go to work but will finish reading the thread to see what is going on. I don't think you should continue to go completely dark, but just be careful about pursuing. You cannot afford to start doing that at all! You will scare her away. Babysteps is what this requires and you have only made the first one. She may even back away b/c she may feel confused after this......I don't know. Will have to finish reading.
I am anxious to finish and to get back with you as soon as possible.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
