Hi Bill, you were up late today, you too fb2... Hi imlost, good to hear from you, hope you "arefound" by now, michelle, andie, RTL, Ian...
I guess 100 will be it. We are advised not to set deadlines here but I think mine will be 100, maybe a little before than that even.
Ian, H held me once or twice during the last 7 months in a meaningful way and I immediately felt better and showed it to him. That gives an answer to fb2 regarding my expectations. It is not that I dont like what I get because my "standards" are so high, I dont get ANYTHING (ok, maybe scraps ). When I do get the "scraps" I am hopeful. Pathetic Bill, I know.
Ian the last time I was held and felt safe, really loved and content was last September and not by my H. I am not supposed to bring that up here, but your question made me think about it.
Yesterday after I read your post, I was locking doors and windows, going to bed, it was very late and I had finished making a piece of jewelery (that btw got many compliments today and some people said they want to buy it ) and I was walking around barefoot, (I can smell/sense summer here), checked on my kids, prepared their clothes for today and I was thinking that I dont miss my H in the house. I feel that the 3 of us are not "complete" anymore as we used to be, but even when he sleeps over, I feel him as "an extra", I dont need him anymore. And then I asked myself if I could ever feel secure and happy with him around. I think not. And not because of the damage done during our spearation but 99% because of the damage done during these last 7 months.
Bill, dont worry, I do NOT think my expectations at this point are too high and I disagree with fb2 on this. H seems to agree with me also. I dont care what people say based on religion etc, I believe to be able to forgive and reconnect truly in a way that could allow love to blossom again, BOTH partners need to have the same goal. In my case, H has other priorities. My main complaint all these years still remains the same. And if I was disappointed then, you can imagine how disappointed I am now and how hurt I feel everytime his choices/actions yell at me I am not his priority, our relationship is not that important to him.
Yes, my kids do play the biggest role here. I dont know if you can call that strength or stubborness or stupidity. All I know I feel embarassed posting here anymore because as I told someone, I feel I am giving up on things that are important parts of me to be complete.
I am very hurt to see "a sadistic" side in H, without him even realising it, where he doesnt care how long this has been going on, what has happened, what my needs are, he just sees himself and his issues. I tod him the other day that I dont blame him for leaving me, I blame him for not trying to save this M when we still could have saved it. I blame him for putting himself beyond and before our babies that he loves so much.
My friends here comment on things I say about intimacy. Believe me I dont bring that up because my of "my needs", I am fine, I bring it up because I feel it is telling about what our relationship means to him.
Yes Bill and Ian, he was honest this time. He quit with the bullshit about "love can get us through" and he changed the tune to "I dont know if what you ask is feasible, I udnerstand why you want it but I dont think I can give it to you". It's the most sincere talk we have had so far. That is why I didnt answer, I didnt agree/disagree, I didnt get upset. I listened and I have been thinking about it since then.
imlost, I dont play games. I thought about your suggestion. I think we are heading to the divorce and I dont want him to ever think that I have a boyfriend and that's why this didnt work out.
So, is it time to stop? Bill, if you are tired raeidng my never ending nothings, imagine how I live with it. I fear that if I say this is the end, and he reacts somehow, I will again be weak and give him another chance and another and another... What happened last October really shook me. I was pretty sure I didnt want him back and then... I dont want to loose my self respect again. When I will say it is time to stop, I want it to stop (unless he transforms to Brad Pitt and acts like he has had brain surgery of some kind).
). When I do get the "scraps" I am hopeful. Pathetic Bill, I know.
) and I was walking around barefoot, (I can smell/sense summer here), checked on my kids, prepared their clothes for today and I was thinking that I dont miss my H in the house. I feel that the 3 of us are not "complete" anymore as we used to be, but even when he sleeps over, I feel him as "an extra", I dont need him anymore. And then I asked myself if I could ever feel secure and happy with him around. I think not. And not because of the damage done during our spearation but 99% because of the damage done during these last 7 months. 
