The screen door slams Mary's dress waves Like a vision she dances across the porch As the radio plays Roy Orbison singing for the lonely Hey that's me and I want you only Don't turn me home again I just can't face myself alone again Don't run back inside darling you know just what I'm here for So you're scared and you're thinking That maybe we ain't that young anymore Show a little faith, there's magic in the night You ain't a beauty, but hey you're alright Oh and that's alright with me
You can hide `neath your covers And study your pain Make crosses from your lovers Throw roses in the rain Waste your summer praying in vain For a savior to rise from these streets
Well now I'm no hero That's understood All the redemption I can offer, girl Is beneath this dirty hood With a chance to make it good somehow Hey what else can we do now
Except roll down the window And let the wind blow back your hair Well the night's busting open These two lanes will take us anywhere We got one last chance to make it real To trade in these wings on some wheels Climb in back Heaven's waiting on down the tracks
Oh oh come take my hand Riding out tonight to case the promised land Oh oh Thunder Road, oh Thunder Road oh Thunder Road Lying out there like a killer in the sun Hey I know it's late we can make it if we run Oh Thunder Road, sit tight take hold Thunder Road
Well I got this guitar And I learned how to make it talk And my car's out back If you're ready to take that long walk >From your front porch to my front seat The door's open but the ride it ain't free And I know you're lonely For words that I ain't spoken But tonight we'll be free All the promises'll be broken
There were ghosts in the eyes Of all the boys you sent away They haunt this dusty beach road In the skeleton frames of burned out Chevrolets
They scream your name at night in the street Your graduation gown lies in rags at their feet And in the lonely cool before dawn You hear their engines roaring on But when you get to the porch they're gone On the wind, so Mary climb in It's a town full of losers And I'm pulling out of here to win.
I just spent some time reading up on your last thread, and I'm really glad to see that there is some hope and good things happening in your sitch.
But man! What a frustrating read. I really thought that OT and DQ had some excellent ideas for you. Your response made me think of another poster--Chocolate Eyes--you know him? and how hard he fought against dealing with his wife's affair at first (I used to go back and read a lot on these threads, so not much gets past me.)
I just think there's so much complexity in this situation that just doesn't need to be there. And a lot of hurt masquerading as bitterness and anger. I don't think you really believe that your wife has narcissistic personality disorder--that's one step down from a sociopath, dude--or that she is truly vapid and shallow. I don't think you would have stayed for 20 years with someone like that.
You say you're wife is beautiful, well, beautiful women are told all their lives that what makes them worthwhile as a person is how they look. Holding on to her beauty means holding on to what she thinks largely makes her worthwhile--that can mess you up. She does need to find something other than that for her.
She also thinks the grass might be greener on the other side. Well, it's not, but she either needs to see that the hard way (D) or the better way (with you rekindling the spark).
One question: how did you "do what worked" the other weekend when you ML twice? I saw no information that you posted about what led up to that.
I would add to the sage advice you got from OT and DQ another simple suggestion to try that you might be comfortable with (hey, trying can't hurt!).
If you can recreate another situation where you get to the point of ML with your W (maybe mimic what worked before)--bring her close but not over the edge of O. Then, the next day or whenever she feels frisky again (should be very soon after), do the same thing. Keep doing this until she can't take anymore and then give her a big one.
If you can't get to the initial point of ML, just offer to touch her--and make clear you don't expect her to reciprocate--tell her it'll be like giving her a massage cause she's stressed, and do not bring her to O. If she asks why, say "I'm trying something different" or "I'm building up to something big" or whatever feels right.
Remember that link I posted to you? This is essentially what it's all about--coming to the verge of O but not going over is supposed to be able to rekindle your biochemical feelings of love and lust--the idea is it retunes the dopamine reward system. Both partners are actually supposed to do it--hold out on O as much as they can to recreate or prolong feelings of being "in love" (this I guess has its roots in ancient spiritual practices and is supported by findings on the biochemistry of lurve). I haven't tried it myself (yet) but what I read about it was really compelling. If it works, you could read up on it.
Combine this with bonding behaviors that you already seem to do well, and...who knows?
Good luck.
It is in the shelter of each other that people live.--Irish proverb
wanted to ask you a question about your "role playing" "dirty girl" post in your other thread, was that for real or were you just trying to bring some humor into the conversation?
wanted to ask you a question about your "role playing" "dirty girl" post in your other thread, was that for real or were you just trying to bring some humor into the conversation?
Steve.
Define "real." No, I don't want to have a threesome or an open marriage, but yes, we really role-played that, and it really excited both of us.
I don't think you really believe that your wife has narcissistic personality disorder--that's one step down from a sociopath, dude--or that she is truly vapid and shallow. I don't think you would have stayed for 20 years with someone like that.
I'm certainly not a qualified expert, but she does exhibit almost all of the symptoms, so yes, I do. I don't think she's off-the-charts NPD, but it does all make sense. It's not normal for someone to take two hours to get ready to go somewhere, or over an hour just to get ready to go to the gym to work out, or 15 minutes gazing at herself in a mirror, I'm sorry.
I have stayed out of some combination of love, fear, and wanting to do what's best for my kids, and because I never learned how to assert myself until recently (and I'm still learning).
Quote:
One question: how did you "do what worked" the other weekend when you ML twice? I saw no information that you posted about what led up to that.
Well, there are two theories. One is that we had a nice time together that evening, just bonding, talking, and more than a little wine, and that the pending divorce (our 2nd -- and most likely final -- appt. with the mediator was scheduled for 7 days later, and we were due to tell our boys we were divorcing 8 days later) took all of the pressure off of us as "husband" and "wife" and we were able to relax and have a good time. The other is that it is ONLY when there is some gun to her head that my wife is sufficiently motivated to try to dig down deep and find the effort necessary to be affectionate. When I try to look impartially at the evidence, I can say that there have been HUNDREDS of times in our marriage when I have been playful, relaxed, we've talked for hours, and had a nice date. Those that led to sex I could count on two hands. On the other hand, there have been only a handful of times when we've had a pending "gun" -- separation, divorce, scheduled talk with our kids, etc. ALL of those times led to sex, and a return to intimacy by my wife.
Additionally, after those two nights two weekends ago, I CONTINUED to be flirty, playful, confident, etc., and spend quality time with her. After just two nights of sex, the difference in her was palpable -- it was right back to the old, cold Mrs. Puppy.
So many opinions, so much advice from so many different points of view. Pup, I don't think y'all are going to be able to resolve this without some MC and some IC. Patterns are so hard to break, this one is deeply ingrained, and there's so much pain involved--I think you're going to need some advice from someone who not only is a professional, but can talk with you both and get to know you better than we can here. Not that you shouldn't bring this here, but I think that is where you're going to find resolution. Yes, finding the right person is tricky, but I think if you ask around you'll get some decent referrals. Doesn't have to be a psychologist; a pastoral counselor can also be helpful. Just a matter of finding the right match.
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
i have alot of respect for you PDT, your posts here on DB.com offer alot of insight into looking at complex marital situations and advice for getting back on your feet after ones by knocked down low by a wayward spouse.
But I will say anyway, I think your wife is good at calling your bluff. Threathening divorce is serious. The End, right? Goodbye I'm done. So shes screws you; twice for good measure. And you back down/melt. Talking bedroom redecorations, renewing vows, serious emails back and forth, and considering this all might work out. But its just sex. Is a BJ worth backing down for?
A month ago you were concerned about OM#2 and her comments on dating other people. What happened with that?
