I just wanted you to know that I'm still reading along. I have no advice to offer. I admire you for the incredible strength you have shown throughout all of this. You have been so very P...!!! Maybe wait just a little while longer to see if he actually does anything about his second job.
Me47 H46 S13 M16 Piecing since May/09
"Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it." Lou Holtz
K - if he didn't want you, you'd be D. Obviously he wants you, but for whatevers reasons he doesn't feel like being intimate with you. He is stressed out and doesn't get enough sleep - those are serious libido killers. If he quits the second job, that might change. You can also lead him by being more affectionate. Sometimes you have to take the risk and be the one to push closer to him if you want things to change.
I know you are tired though. So am I. That's why I am not fighting for my M anymore.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
H said to me on Friday "I think my self worth comes from work and that's why you feel you come second (rightly so he added)". He stopped IC, I asked him.
I've got to say I'm really sorry I was right in knowing he ties his self-worth to his work.
Classic "work-a-holic" situation which is in dire need of IC. His quitting of IC only kept him further from discovering this and finding a solution for it.
He gets his self-worth from his work. So, he has always figured that YOU would connect his worth to his work! He thought the more successful he was at work, the more you would love him! But, it doesn't work that way, does it?
I think part of him realizes this, now. But, I don't know if that part is enough for him to change it. Saying that he is trying to figure out a way to quit the night job is hopeful, though. Now to see if he follows through.
The only way forward is to genuinely accept him "as-is" - with no limited warranty against defects in materials and workmanship.
The other way forward is to accept that this is not acceptable to you. What person fights for a relationship where the other partner has made it clear through their actions that they simply don't have an interest in you?
Quote:
You are holding out for him to meet some pretty big expectations
As you should.
When a spouse has left us, abandoned us, separated their lives from ours, and ESPECIALLY when they have chosen to involve themselves with a new person in ANY capacity...well then the dynamics have changed.
We are RIGHT to have certain expectations.
We are RIGHT to refuse to accept less than what should be.
We are RIGHT to expect an EQUAL commitment to healing the relationship.
Perhaps your husband is approaching honesty with you because he realizes that you will not settle for what you had before. Maybe your strength and insistence has finally registered and he has begun to realize that there is no hiding who he is and what he is willing to bring to the relationship table.
None of this means that there is no chance.
But I reject the notion that this remains YOUR job to save.
You have to decide how long you are willing to live your current life with your current relationship with your husband. There are at least small suggestions now that perhaps he is setting himself up for some changes. But there are no guarantees that changing of jobs is for any reason other than to give him more free time.
You will have to tread water waiting to see if he ever comes around to becoming interested in you and willing to reach out to you. How long can you do that?
Whatever your decision, I at least wanted you to hear from one person that this is NOT your job only.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
What you want/deserve may not be a realistic expectation from this man. Do you compromise for the sake of your kids? You know how I feel about that one. You being miserable does not provide a stable home and upbringing for your kids. Teaching them to be strong enough to stand up for themselves is the true lesson they need.
So I was not telling you to accept what he is offering. I was telling you to be realistic about it and decide if it is really what you want. To look at him and decide if he can ever be what you want and can live with.
K, when is the last time you were held, not made love to, just held and felt that feeling of warmth and security that you are so obviously craving right now? I wonder if you can answer this honestly for me, do you believe that he will be able to make you feel truly loved and like you have a passionate marriage again? When is the last time you held him in that manner, I mean just held on to him and let him feel that he is loved? How did he react? How would he react if you did it now?
He will see you as a woman when he sees that other men see you as a woman and want you.
Kalni,
I'm with Sara. Has he actually seen another man want you? There's a huge difference between him hypothetically thinking about you with someone else and actually seeing it with his own two eyes.
I've loosely followed your threads for a long time, and gather that you are a beautiful, vibrant woman, and that you are also frustrated and stuck. Maybe now is the time to shake things up and cultivate some male friendships in your local community. It doesn't have to be anything more than platonic. I see it as a win-win for you: self-esteem boost, primarily, but also a wake-up call for your H.
It is in the shelter of each other that people live.--Irish proverb
"When a spouse has left us, abandoned us, separated their lives from ours, and ESPECIALLY when they have chosen to involve themselves with a new person in ANY capacity...well then the dynamics have changed." Isn't that generally the case with most of the WAS? And I really don't see that he has "abandoned" you.
"None of this means that there is no chance." If you keep the expectations the odds are slim.
"You will have to tread water waiting to see if he ever comes around to becoming interested in you and willing to reach out to you. How long can you do that?" 1, 2, ... 63, ..., 69, ... ,100, ... (I'm not holding my breath, just trying my best to be sarcastic for once).
"But I reject the notion that this remains YOUR job to save." Given the 'sitch' who else is capable of doing this job!?
It's disappointing to me to see the number of people in this community who are led to change what they know is true about marriage, just because of a spouse who chooses to move on to another life.
Tell me fb, one day should you be sitting down with a young daughter who has fallen in love seriously for the first time, will you advise her to have NO expectations of her young man? Will you tell her that it doesn't matter what HE does or does not do, because the happiness and successfulness of their relationship depends solely on HER?
I sure hope not.
If I had a daughter, I would tell her that it takes TWO committed people to make a good marriage. I would tell her that if her potential mate cannot show his love to her now, there is practically no chance that he will be able to show it to her when life gets tough. I would tell her that she deserves to be cherished and loved, and that she deserves a man who is devoted to loving her and making her know how much she means to him.
Any less, I would advise her to wait for the next potential gentleman down the road.
Somehow, in DB mode, we become willing to accept the smallest of scraps from our spouse. Even worse, we encourage others to do the same.
How sad.
Kalni's husband left. I call that abandonment. Just as she reached the point where she had found peace and contentment, just as she was beginning to explore the possibilities of life in front of her, he decides that she looks a little too happy, that she looks a little too serious about truly divorcing him...and he claims to want back in.
And what has he done since then?
Not one blessed, solitary thing.
Not one.
On most days he cannot even handle being civil to her.
He has not ever come close to expressing love, committment, OR devotion to this woman whom he claims to want to be with.
What the hell?
I'm not sure why he chooses to string her along. Perhaps, like Kalni, the major motivating factor is the children. If so, I cannot at least appreciate the fact that he feels some responsibility to his children.
K, you do NOT have to settle. Those who suggest otherwise have spent FAR too long settling for scraps while their spouse lives the life that they want, oblivious to those left behind.
It's time for this to stop.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
I have to agree with Bill on this one....if I would detect just a little bit of passion or compassion from your H, I would say keep plugging along. Unfortunatelly, what you describe is a man who is just not interested....why....that is another topic altogether. The daughter talk really hit home with me....alot of people put up with (or have put up with) alot of crap just to get a shot at trying to convince the WAS to giv eit another shot. As far as FB2's notion that it is K's job ("Given the 'sitch' who else is capable of doing this job!?"), this will never work unless both parties (and even then it is a long shot) are totally committed to making it work. I am not even sure K is....let alone her husband.
