H just moved out, 13 months post-bomb

[Dawn of Hope]

((((((((((DAWN))))))))))

Gosh, Dawn, thank you for sharing that! Once again, just when I need it, somebody on these boards makes me see how much of a complete whimp I am!!!!

Hi, SC, so glad I could help! You know what they say...if nothing else, one can serve as a bad example!

Having just posted a massively long and overbloated response to naej, I will be more brief now...

I have dealt with panic disorder off and on for the last 25+ years. I was always grateful that I didn't suffer from depression, which I was told usually goes hand in hand with anxiety. For the past year I have worked with a therapist and come to see that in fact I did suffer from depression, it just wasn't recognized because we (me, husband, mom, kids,.... everybody!) all just thought I was lazy. It was a standing joke that when God handed out domestic instinct I was absent!

In my H's mind (and mine) I was a fat lazy couch potato wife. When I went out to work, I was still defective because I didn't come home and want to cook a meal, clean, do laundry. I would rather pay someone to do those things, and I wanted fun times in the evening/weekends with H and the kids (H always wanted to "do something productive"). I never wanted to "work in the yard"and he never wanted to "go for a drive". And I always felt like a failure!

I could say more, but I won't. I'll just say that I think I understand a little of how you feel/felt. I didn't have the "death" component so much, but I sure haven't ever felt like it was OK to like myself, and that's a terrible feeling.

I haven't usually thought of myself as lazy, but I sure have a lot of trouble getting things going, especially on a deadline. My H was more understanding than yours, but it was still a big issue, and I don't think he (or just about anyone else) ever understood the problem. I don't want to make excuses for myself, though...I just want to fix it, but I don't know how!

And yeah, it is a terrible, dark, ugly feeling...that I will never be "good enough," no matter what I do or how hard I try. Like trying to fill up a black hole by tossing pennies into it.

You have no idea what a remarkable person you are

...no, I really don't, but thanks!...

to deal with those feelings every day and still have the courage and compassion to reach out to people here! It's easy for people who don't have feelings like these to just move merrily along in life, but what people like us do takes real hoodspa!

Thanks, I do what little I can... However, I'm not sure anyone's life is "easy"...I think we just have different challenges, which ebb and flow. I once read about an attitude adjustment exercise as follows: Take any group of people. Have each write their three biggest current problems in life on a slip of paper. Put all of the slips in a bowl. Have each person draw one slip at random, making sure they don't get their own back. Then tell them that they get to exchange the problems they wrote on the slip they put IN for those on the slip they drew OUT. Assuming such a thing were possible, would they agree? Odds are, not just "No" but "^&*( NO!!"

Dawn, there must be some way to get the meds you need like medicaid or something.......please look into it. Also, I'v heard that exercise really helps some people. Sandycay says it has helped her immeasurably, so I am trying to take some more steps myself in that direction. I am also trying to do more meditation, and my sister recommended something called "brainwave entrainment". It's just listening to some sounds through stereo headphones which supposedly "equalize" the two hemispheres of the brain........sis said it really helped her meditation......I'm still skeptical, but what the heck!
And my therapist is trained in EMDR so I am going to try that too.

I could get some ADs (not what I had just been on, but one I've taken in the past) for $4/month, but the trouble with that is that I would still have to pay the full expense of the psychiatrist checkup visits, and mine isn't exactly cheap. And...I have been looking into medical insurance, and even if it's pretty cheap, it's still a quarter of what I made last year (which was a pretty pathetic amount, although it was more than any year since 2001). I simply need to earn more money, that's all there is to it.

Anyway, the big problem is that I would like to get away from the drugs, just because I'm tired of being on drugs if I can find an alternative that deals with my problem.

Anyway, success is in the not giving up.......

If that's true, then I'm the nardling Queen of the Universe! 30 years now fighting the suicidal whispers, and I'm still standing! But that's not enough--it's one of the things H always complained about, and in this case I have to agree--it's not enough for me just to exist. I have to actually _do_ something beyond just survival if there is any point to my continuing to live. Otherwise I'm no more than a parasite.

Thanks for all of your kind words and support!

Now I'm off to get some food...

Peace,
Dawn