H just moved out, 13 months post-bomb

[Dawn of Hope]

naej,
Thank you so much for posting to me; I treasure your advice as one of the "wise ones" who comes to the board and helps others even though your own sitch is in the "inactive" file.

It is indeed hard to live with the constant temptation of suicide running in my head like background music. But...I don't know what it's like to be live without it...you know, like a "normal" person. I don't talk about it as much as I used to, and I try to pay less attention to it. It has long been one of the issues between H and me, and I have done my best to take it off of the table, although he brings it up regularly (I never do with him, not since the bomb) and I have to figure out how to defuse the situation again. I can't honestly tell him that I would never consider suicide again, but I do the best I can with his concerns without being untruthful.

I still firmly believe that H subconsciously tries to push me and push me, by doing more and more hurtful things but being polite, to get me to actually off myself so he can get rid of me without actually doing something for which he can obviously be blamed. I think that's one of the reasons it took him so long to move out after the bomb...he subconsciously hoped that his actions would cause me to take some action--either killing myself or at least kicking him out--so he could stop having to deal with me but what happened would obviously be my choice, and not his fault. After all, why else would he have OW staying at our house with him while I was out of town, and then when I got home and found out, and was being as polite as I could be with my teeth gritted, clearly say that he knew this ought to upset me, and ask if I was going to kill myself? What kind of a person does something like that? One who is very eager to avoid blame--that's my take.

He has a hard time making big decisions, and is a people-pleaser, so I think my approach of being polite but distant, not initiating contact or pursuing anything other than necessary business with him, just leaving him alone, is the best path to take with him. I will not do anything to help him decide to get farther away from me, I will not put any pressure on him, I will not ask him for anything. I just leave him alone and try to act self-sufficient and content, and not to seem at all needy, when we are in contact.

Well, that was a little bit of meandering off-track from what I intended to say. To return to the point...

The only non-drug therapy I have actually pursued for my depression has been cognitive behavioral therapy, and all I did was some reading about it. I had trouble getting going on the CBT (that whole procrastination and lack of focus thing I get with my depression), so I signed up with a therapist to help me, but...she turned out not to really be into that, even though I had specifically requested a therapist who could help me with it. And now I can't afford any therapy at all, especially with no health insurance, so I'm kinda up a creek. I don't know anything about NLP, and I think you must mean something more specific with the term "life coaching" than I am thinking of. Any pointers on where to look or what to do to pursue those or other non-drug depression treatments?

The professionals (psychiatrists/therapists) I have consulted about my depression have never suggested anything other than drugs, regular talk therapy, or CBT. I even have a relatively close friend who is a psychiatrist...but I haven't talked about the depression with him in about four or five years, and I'm always hesitant to seem like I want a friend's professional help for free anyway. I have done a little poking around on the internet, but I haven't really dug deep on any of the possibilities I have found. I have to admit that I am not very happy with the standard Western medical community these days, since it seems like with most medical issues they just offer drugs (and/or knives) and a pat on the head. I simply find it hard to believe that those are the best ways to correct whatever is causing the issue in most cases. If you don't feel well, that is your body telling you that something is wrong--there is an imbalance, an injury, something--so you need to fix that instead of papering over the symptoms with drugs or cutting out whatever is getting the brunt of the imbalance.

Okay, medical rant over. BTW, yes, I know that my theory about rights to one's own body in a M is sort of strange. I will probably outgrow it sooner or later.

I guess life must feel an uphill struggle for you most of the time.

Oh, YEAH!!! I don't know how much of this feeling a "normal" person gets, but good ol' Sisyphus is my model every day. There is no "coasting" anywhere near my life.

I am sorta tired of the whole "blame your issues on other people" trend, but I will say that there's no question in my mind that other people's actions do affect us long-term, and sometimes we have to fight against our natural programming--I think everyone on this site would probably agree. After all, if it were "natural" for us to take the proper actions when our spouse decides they don't want to be with us any more, MWD would be out of a job, and none of us would be on these boards!

In my case, I was raised by a mother who obviously loved me, but had nearly impossibly high standards, which fact I didn't understand for years...for example, if I brought home anything other than straight A's, I got the third degree about why I had screwed up so badly, and I thought that was normal. It wasn't fun to go through that, so I think that only happened a couple of times when I was in high school--I actually had to endure the shame of getting a B grade in one of my classes for the semester. So now, of course, although my mother is more supportive of me since the bomb than she has been since I was small, I know that I'm a great disappointment to her, even if she doesn't really say much about it. I don't make a lot of money, I'm not using the degree she spent so much money for me to get, and I not only got married (which she didn't want me to do, because that's too dependent), I wasn't good enough at being a wife to hang onto that husband I was stupid enough to want.

<sigh> I really seem to be on a roll with the rants tonight.

I think I am just worn out with trying to make things better, and feeling like it's wasted effort, because it's hard to remember a time when things really were better. I know at least part of that is the way depression affects memory, makes it hard to remember a time when you felt different than you do right now. But I can't remember a time when I was actually _happy_ for more than brief periods (like, a couple of hours). I don't really feel bad, exactly, but just sort of...uninterested in putting forth useless effort. I have a major inertia problem--it's really hard for me to get started on things. Mostly I only start anything if I have a deadline staring me in the face, unless I have good reason to believe I will really enjoy it. I don't even eat regularly, because it's too much trouble to fix myself a meal. I'd have a problem with pets who didn't actively demand food; I might accidentally let them starve, and then I would feel horrible.

Thank you for all of the suggestions. I do yoga, and have been for about 15 years, and love it. It would be good for me to practice it more often.

I would love to spend more time with people, but I just don't have that many friends left after H got custody of so many of them (and I feel like I have worn out many of the ones I still have with all of my whining about my sitch over the last few years), plus all of his family, who no longer speak to me (although I suppose they would be polite if we had a chance encounter). I never really developed my friend-making skills, and it's showing up pretty starkly in my empty datebook. I know, join up and do activities that you think you will enjoy...I can do that, but I get stuck on the step between seeing people in an organizational venue, and actually doing something with people who seem interesting--potential friends--outside the confines of that venue...like having lunch together or something. Is that just ridiculous? Is it just my insecurity telling me not to reach out because of the fear of being rejected again, even though there are plenty of other people out there who might want to be friends with me? Maybe guys have this easier, having been trained that they have to stick their necks out there to ask for a date and having some practice in that matter (although I am _not_ at all wanting a romantic R; I'm committed to my H for life, and that's that).

I have three cats who light up my life every day. They are my kids. They are also one of the reasons I'm still here--nobody loves them the way I do.

Once again, way long enough post...time to do something else, like maybe eat (breakfast [defined as the first meal of the day]at 1:30 a.m....a bit odd, but I've only been awake for 6 hours...).

Peace,
Dawn