One Last Chance to Make it Real

[iamlost]

Hey Puppy,

I just spent some time reading up on your last thread, and I'm really glad to see that there is some hope and good things happening in your sitch.

But man! What a frustrating read. I really thought that OT and DQ had some excellent ideas for you. Your response made me think of another poster--Chocolate Eyes--you know him? and how hard he fought against dealing with his wife's affair at first (I used to go back and read a lot on these threads, so not much gets past me.)

I just think there's so much complexity in this situation that just doesn't need to be there. And a lot of hurt masquerading as bitterness and anger. I don't think you really believe that your wife has narcissistic personality disorder--that's one step down from a sociopath, dude--or that she is truly vapid and shallow. I don't think you would have stayed for 20 years with someone like that.

You say you're wife is beautiful, well, beautiful women are told all their lives that what makes them worthwhile as a person is how they look. Holding on to her beauty means holding on to what she thinks largely makes her worthwhile--that can mess you up. She does need to find something other than that for her.

She also thinks the grass might be greener on the other side. Well, it's not, but she either needs to see that the hard way (D) or the better way (with you rekindling the spark).

One question: how did you "do what worked" the other weekend when you ML twice? I saw no information that you posted about what led up to that.

I would add to the sage advice you got from OT and DQ another simple suggestion to try that you might be comfortable with (hey, trying can't hurt!).

If you can recreate another situation where you get to the point of ML with your W (maybe mimic what worked before)--bring her close but not over the edge of O. Then, the next day or whenever she feels frisky again (should be very soon after), do the same thing. Keep doing this until she can't take anymore and then give her a big one.

If you can't get to the initial point of ML, just offer to touch her--and make clear you don't expect her to reciprocate--tell her it'll be like giving her a massage cause she's stressed, and do not bring her to O. If she asks why, say "I'm trying something different" or "I'm building up to something big" or whatever feels right.

Remember that link I posted to you? This is essentially what it's all about--coming to the verge of O but not going over is supposed to be able to rekindle your biochemical feelings of love and lust--the idea is it retunes the dopamine reward system. Both partners are actually supposed to do it--hold out on O as much as they can to recreate or prolong feelings of being "in love" (this I guess has its roots in ancient spiritual practices and is supported by findings on the biochemistry of lurve). I haven't tried it myself (yet) but what I read about it was really compelling. If it works, you could read up on it.

Combine this with bonding behaviors that you already seem to do well, and...who knows?

Good luck.