Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
First, I want to ask you all for your prayers for my GD. She is in the hospital with an "unexplained" high fever.....because she is so young (2 months) they are going through all the hoops of a spinal tap and lots of other tests to rule out things. She is just miserable the poor little mite! In all probability it's just viral, but they have her on antibiotics pending the outcome of the tests and are keeping her in the hospital for couple days to be sure. D24 is, of course, staying there with her.
On another front.......today was a real defining day for me. I had paperwork for getting a loan on my retirement plan to pay for my new lawyer. Because it's "community property", I needed to get H's signature for it. So, of course, he asked what my plan was (he knew I had seen a lawyer). So, I told him my decision. And now I will tell all of you.
I am filing for D. This has been a very hard decision, but I have come to know that the only way I can really fully detatch and move on with my life is to take this step. Also, I know that I do not have the emotional currency or desire to go through this process by myself, so I have hired a lawyer who I feel I can trust to take care of my interests.
H has wanted to avoid lawyers, but I told him that that is what I needed to feel comfortable. I also told him I was going to file for bankruptcy seperately from him, which is a better financial decision for me.
I was completely honest with H on my intentions (unlike how he has been with me). I told him I still wasn't looking to shaft him and never would. I simply wanted to protect myself both emotionally and financially from this process.
I also told him some of what I had learned about the bankruptcy/divorce process (having talked to several lawyers). I do not think he will be able to keep the "dream house" as he has been thinking, and that fact has nothing to do with me....I won't bore you with the details, but I know H was not pleased at that news. I actually told him he should talk to an attorney, which surprisingly he has not done up to this point.
I tried very hard to be businesslike and unemotional through this conversation, and was successful to a point. However, I did tell H that his behavior has shown me that I can not trust him, and I don't. I told him he had no honor, integrity or compassion that I could see and that I absolutely did not love the man he has become. I reminded him that he has broken virtually every "promise" that he has made to me through this sitch, and that unlike him I have never ever knowingly hurt him. He can't say the same. He said he never did things just to hurt me and I told him that wasn't what I meant and he knew it.
I reminded him how the only real thing I ever begged of him was to not bring some other woman up to our dream house. He promised he wouldn't.
All of our married life I have tried to buy my H's love and acceptance. Whatever he ever wanted, I wanted for him. He didn't demand it. I did it myself! I know now this was totally dysfunctional, but I guess underneath I always new I fell short in his eyes and this was how I tried to compensate. That house was the ultimate attempt for me to gain his approval. It was 5+ years of my bonus money and our tax returns and several loans on my retirement account. To me, it was my ultimate gift to him..... our dreams. I told him that perhaps I could have understood the affair with the 28 year old secretary. He was unhappy, she was telling him how great he was......but when he moved in with this OW he has now, and took her up there, and laid down and made love with her in our bed with my "stuff" on my bedside table, and probably ML with her in the big double marble shower (that was had planned with the idea of "christening that shower ourselves!!) with my shampoo, razor and other "feminine" stuff stuff on "my" shelf in that shower.......
Well, I told him completely how I felt and I held nothing back. No "DBing". Pure truth. I told him that when he did that, he showed me that he was beyond redemption. He had no honor or integrity, but more than that he has no compassion or even respect for me!! I am the mother of his children!! I could never EVER knowingly hurt him in any way and yet he did that to me! I know that he doesn't feel the same "sentimentality" about that place as I do, but that doesn't matter!! I told him how I felt and begged him to just not do that to me!!! When he did......well, I'm just not a big enough person to "love unconditionally" after that.
I told him I didn't understand how he faced himself in the mirror.....and I told him that if he had even a tiny speck of honor he would keep just one of the promises he made me in this whole sitch and sell that place!!!! Whether it's "financially prudent" or not in this market! That is what he promised to do even in front of my kids. But, I know he won't. He really doesn't have any integrity.
I told him he was nothing but a total fake. A fraud and hypochrite. He said he disagreed and what made me think that. I told him he knew the truth, because through our whole sitch, he told everybody that we were seperated but "in counseling" and "working on things" so everyone would think he had "done his due diligence", but the truth is that he NEVER has even once really been willing to ever discuss our M in C at all!!! He acknowledged that was the truth, and said that I didn't get to decide what his "best" was...... If that was his "best" why did he lie to everybody? He is a total fake and still is!!! In his own IC sessions, I know that he never discussed the affair with the secretary, he didn't discuss the girlfriend or that he was moving in with her, he didn't discuss that he had no intention of "trying again" like he "promised". He just "went through the motions" and "faked" it and never even addressed the "tough stuff". So, he faked being an "honorable committed family man" for 25 years, and now he's moved on to faking being an "honorable big business man".
That's the truth. The man I loved is gone, or he never existed except in my imagination, but I'm done wasting my time and emotions on this any more. It's in the hands of my lawyer, and the chips will fall where they may. I'm going to be just fine and I'm going on to live my life!! I am saddened.....and know that there is still a lot of pain ahead......but I'll make it, and I will never define myself and my happiness by the smile on somebody else's face!!!!
One funny footnote. I sent H a text about GD when D24 called me about her being in the hospital. H called back after getting the message, and left me a message to say he had called D24 (a nice gesture) and then talking about how I could turn in the cell phone I still have that was for S18 on "my cell plan". H said he still had another little "plain jane" phone that S18 could use if in came to that......And I just had to chuckle......after that earlier convo, he's talking about the cell phone for S18, when he was the one that took the one under "his plan" away from S18??? Weird.....
And, Puppy, if you are reading this........I think I finally really found that woman you "cheered" for again!!!
TJ
Me45,H49 D24,S18 M26,T28 Bomb 3/19/08 Sep 6/23/08 EA/PA with Secretary 2007-8 3/2009 H moved in w/OW2 7/2009 Let him go w/Love. 8/2009 Legally Sep'd
Yes, I am SC, and I am so very proud of you. I know that must not have been easy, but I do think that all those things needed to be said.
You never know what the future holds. Continue to deal with your H with grace (but also with an atty!) and civility, as this (your exit) is a great opportunity for you to exhibit the class, grace and integrity that you never got in return from him thru all of this.
Be the better person.
I know this is a pro-marriage board, but sometimes you have to do what you have to do to protect yourself -- legally, financially and emotionally. God does permit divorce in cases of adultery, and even Jesus, when He forgave the adulteress, told her to "go and sin no more." Your husband has been totally unrepentant, and at some point, continuing to put up with it/him as your husband begins to reflect on you and your own values.
I think you did the right thing.
I cheer you again today, even as I mourn your marriage with you.
Silent Chrleader would like for me to post this for her because she's at work and can't:
Well, I am forever amazed at how many emotions I can go through in one day……even just a couple hours. Let me see if I can put things in a nutshell……
1. Spoke back and forth with bankruptcy and divorce lawyers yesterday. Trying to decide what I need to do an when and how…..Got lots of differing answers. Lots of conflicting interests between whats best in divorce and best in bankruptcy.
2. Was all ready to file for D in order to get “maintenance” to make sure H doesn’t up and stop paying mortgage, or start selling/mortgaging/hiding assets……called H to inform I was filing, but then my lawyer beeped through….
3. She had me call the bankruptcy lawyer back, and in that convo found that if we secured “maintenance” now, which is taxable income, that would mess up the bankruptcy for both me and H. BR lawyer basically said that if H and I can work together, we both can file and H can save dream house, but would have a BIG mortgage on it, but that would be good for him because that would get his “liabilities” up high enough for him to get better consideration in the bankruptcy. I, on the other hand, could walk away debt free and with a chunk of money in my pocket to use to put down on a condo for only me (low maintenance, etc.) This BR lawyer said he would only work with H and I if we could agree to the same terms and work together. Otherwise, he won’t work for either of us.
4. My D lawyer then tells me that on strategy I can use is to use another BR lawyer, and file BR first and use exemptions that are not as favorable to “real property”, which may “lock” H in to using that same criteria, thus him not likely having enough exemption leeway to keep the dream house and thus force him to sell it. She said I could call yet another BR lawyer she knows and file BR before H.
5. At that point H was still waiting for a call back from me (see #2 above) so I called him back to tell him I was getting conflicting info and was now going to put the filing on hold for a bit and think………..then we started really talking. Some may think it’s a mistake on my part and I guess only time will tell, but I am a very honest person and my honor and integrity are important to me. I don’t want to play the head games (but nor do I want to shoot myself in the foot). In the end, I went with my gut and was completely open and honest………and in return, I felt like I actually got at least a little response from the man who once actually cared for me. He said that he truly in no way wanted to hurt me any more.
6. I told him again how his taking OW into the dream house was excruciatingly painful to me, and asked him to please, for me, the woman who loved him for 28 years and never ever knowingly did anything to hurt him and never would, to please sell the dream place. He said he would give it some real and serious thought.
7. I then asked H “If he loved her”. He promptly, quietly and calmly said “No.” He then said “To tell you the truth, I don’t even think about that.” I was amazed, not by the answer, but by the fact that he answered at all. He usually just clams up and says “I’m not discussing that” or ignores the fact that I even spoke. So, I thanked him for answering and told him that I often felt he didn’t even consider me worth his notice when he refused to talk. He said he did not mean to make me feel that way.
8. I ended up telling him the whole truth about what the BR lawyer said, and how we could come out better financially if we worked together on the BR. I then (quite spontaneously) said that I would really be more comfortable with doing that (him getting the dream property and me money for a new place of my own) if I felt that he/we did our M the respect/justice it deserved. I asked him if he remembered his promise to “get back together in C as our best selves and talking openly and honestly about what happened to break down our M, what we wanted out of life and M, etc. I told him that today my Mom says that if she was with my Dad the same way she is with my step-dad, they would never have divorced (she left my Dad after 30 years of marriage without a backward glance). I think that’s so sad and I don’t want to look like that feel the same. I told H that that is the one thing that I have a very tough time getting beyond is this lack of honor and honesty and respect in even having a dialogue about what we want/need to even see if there is a remote chance we actually want the same things or (more likely) to have some understanding, and closure with dignity and respect. I told him I did not want to hate him for the rest of my life, and I didn’t want my fond memories of him to be so painful!
9. H then asked me if he could take some time to think about all this, and said that before he got into any C sessions together, he would want one or two sessions of IC for himself again first. I told that was fine and that actually I needed to do the same, because it was long and hard for me to get to a place where I was ready to be “done” and let go, and this was not a “planned” request, it was completely spontaneous and I need to think on whether I really need/want to open myself up to that too.
10. H then told me that he thought I should just take the next week to relax, let it all go, not think about it and re-group. He promised absolutely that he would not file for anything, or do anything else that would impact me between now and then. I told him I would do just that and that wouldn’t file either. (My mom thinks I’m nuts and he’s “just playing me”…….and many of you may think that too……)
11. We then talked about S18 and the fact that he hasn’t been in contact with either of us and we are concerned, but agree on maintaining our expectations of him.
So, that’s where I’m at………I don’t know what to think. I don’t want to open myself up for more hurt. I want to do the right and honorable thing and not be vindictive……….I was ready for it to be done, and that was so hard to get to, so is this a step back???
So much to think about……..
I want to really thank you all so much for all your support and help all along this journey with me. I do think that I am going to curtail posting so much to this board in the future. I have used this as a journal, and stopped writing in my RL journal, but I think I need to pick that up again. I know my D24 checks up on me here, and I don’t think she needs to know what (if anything) happens in her Dad’s and my sitch……..and this is really something I think I need to do on my own……..
Of course I will still post, and keep tabs on all of you!!!!! But, I just wanted to let you know of this so you don’t worry or think I have “dropped you all”. I hope you understand…….
M:47 M:18 D16, S19 1st S 1/08-5/08 Reconciled/May 7, 2008 Left again Nov 9, 2009 I Filed: Nov 17, 2009 Final: April 14, 2010 EX walked away from kids too
Hi SC, sorry to hear about g/d, how is she today? Little ones can go up and down so quickly so I guess the hospital is the best place for her just so they can keep an eye on her.
I think getting a lawyer is the best thing you could have done. I am proud of you. Whatever it costs will be worth it. I eventually did the same and I smile to myself now (although NOT at the time) when I said to her I probably didn't need her to do much as my x was basically an honourable man----whoops I got that wrong big time. So good for you, one step at a time on the looking after "me" road. Not meaning that in a selfish kind of way, just self preservation and being kind to yourself.
Take good care and try not to be hard on yourself. If you stumble and fall on this new road that's ok. I think the Chinese say, fall down 7 times but get up 8!
HI SC, again--looks like we cross posted I hadn't read the latest when I replied. I guess time will tell. To thine own self be true is a good way to be. Whatever happens you know you have done that.
