The six weeks have been the worst of my life. I realize that I have held a lot back, trying to spare everyone of my inner most thoughts...even the friends I have that care about me the most. I thought maybe if I didn't allow anyone in, then no one would see how really screwed up I am.
It has been a triple whammy for me...with my brother being gone, my H being gone, and no job. I thought I would not recover. And I haven't...not yet. I still need to grieve the losses of these two men. I am going to allow myself that. I think I was trying so hard to push through it so I wouldn't hurt anymore. I hate this feeling of pain, this feeling of being helpless, and not having anyone to turn to. I feel unloved, unwanted, and wondering what I ever did to deserve all this. And I realize I didn't really do anything to deserve this. Sure, there were problems. I am not perfect. Sometimes I get so wrapped up in trying to help everyone else that I cannot see that I am hurting too.
I still do this. But for a while, I think I need to focus on getting myself back on my feet, and being surrounded by people who do love me. My dad is the bomb. I sent him an email letting him know exactly where I was at when he called this morning, and thanking him for pulling me out of it...even if he didn't know it. I am not there yet, but somehow now I know there is a light at the end of this tunnel, and with every step, after every day, I am closer there than I was.
I think, my friends, I finally got unstuck. Now I feel a new motivation that I have not felt in the last six weeks. It is tragic that it took something like this for me to get me motivated to actually get the h e l l out of this desert city and onto where I need to begin my next stage of my life.
I am starting over. But this time, somehow, I know I will succeed.
In the meantime, I do expect there will be a few more meltdowns before I am healed. I need to really grieve H, and I haven't allowed myself to do that in a while. I have been so angry at him for this. I still am. I cannot believe that this man that I loved so much did not have the gumption to stick it out with me, and be there. I know...I know. It is the path of the MLC'er. But at this point, I am reserving the right to be really angry that he couldn't see past his own selfish needs and realize that, at least for a moment, someone else was more important than him. It will take me a while to forgive him, but I know that in order to truly heal, I will need to do that.
In the meantime, I am going to allow myself the luxury of cursing at him every chance I get (not in person, mind you, but in my mind, here, and on paper when I journal). I want to be angry, because it feels somehow freeing. I don't know if it is or not, but it feels right.
And maybe one day I will be able to look back at this as a growth experience and remember a time when I loved him very much, and he loved me back.
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
