H just moved out, 13 months post-bomb

[Silent Chrleader]

((((((((((DAWN))))))))))

Gosh, Dawn, thank you for sharing that! Once again, just when I need it, somebody on these boards makes me see how much of a complete whimp I am!!!!

I have dealt with panic disorder off and on for the last 25+ years. I was always grateful that I didn't suffer from depression, which I was told usually goes hand in hand with anxiety. For the past year I have worked with a therapist and come to see that in fact I did suffer from depression, it just wasn't recognized because we (me, husband, mom, kids,.... everybody!) all just thought I was lazy. It was a standing joke that when God handed out domestic instinct I was absent!

In my H's mind (and mine) I was a fat lazy couch potato wife. When I went out to work, I was still defective because I didn't come home and want to cook a meal, clean, do laundry. I would rather pay someone to do those things, and I wanted fun times in the evening/weekends with H and the kids (H always wanted to "do something productive"). I never wanted to "work in the yard"and he never wanted to "go for a drive". And I always felt like a failure!

I could say more, but I won't. I'll just say that I think I understand a little of how you feel/felt. I didn't have the "death" component so much, but I sure haven't ever felt like it was OK to like myself, and that's a terrible feeling.

You have no idea what a remarkable person you are to deal with those feelings every day and still have the courage and compassion to reach out to people here! It's easy for people who don't have feelings like these to just move merrily along in life, but what people like us do takes real hoodspa!

Dawn, there must be some way to get the meds you need like medicaid or something.......please look into it. Also, I'v heard that exercise really helps some people. Sandycay says it has helped her immeasurably, so I am trying to take some more steps myself in that direction. I am also trying to do more meditation, and my sister recommended something called "brainwave entrainment". It's just listening to some sounds through stereo headphones which supposedly "equalize" the two hemispheres of the brain........sis said it really helped her meditation......I'm still skeptical, but what the heck!
And my therapist is trained in EMDR so I am going to try that too. Anyway, success is in the not giving up.......

If you ever want to, feel free to e-mail me through the alternative universe, and I'll give you my number too!

((((((hugs))))))