Learning to Detach

[kjensen]

Thanks Peace.

Things change so fast sometimes. I did everything wrong today(compared to proper DBing)-I felt blind-sided even though I shouldn't have.

H wants to talk about our 'hot topics' at some point soon..He seems to want to communicate more than he has in months.

Tonight he was driving to a client appointment and he called my cell and left a message about how everything was going wrong-he left his laptop at home, the traffic was awful, he was almost out of gas for the long ride, running late.(In my mind "the Gods" were speaking.. but H thought I'd find it funny somehow-he left the message with good humor..)

I've found a lawyer an will meet him tomorrow-he sounds much more my style than the one I met with in January. This is the lawyer my H liked a lot, but for some reason he went with another that one of his clients recommended(I asked if the OW did and said "NO")..

What I find interesting now that I've had some time to reflect with a girlfriend is that in two months everything here would change and become more of a real separation. The girls would be out of school, H would be getting a bigger apartment with room for them and regular visits, he would move his office out of the house and basically he and I would see and communicate very little. So why the rush to make a formal divorce? Does he just not realize everything becomes much more separate in a few months? Does he need a formal divorce in 2 to 3 months?

My hope, and I'll confirm with lawyer, is that here in Colorado, you can do a formal separation agreement which basically hashes out all the details of separation like a divorce, but neither spouse can remarry until they decide to petition the state for a divorce decree..so it gives you time to live separately, legally. H could keep insurance benefits from my work..it gives me/us time..I think if the A ends as I'm thinking it is going to(H said the more time he spends with the OW the wider his eyes are opened. He firmly agreed that our girls will never meet OW)
AND H continues to see the issues are within(he admitted today that he doesn't love himself and can't forgive himself), that there still is hope for us. I'm hoping I can DB my socks off. I think it'll be easier once we are more separate.

H has had issues thinking I control everything(while he certainly has had most of the control over things lately..)and I think he needs to truly experience his life without any input (control) from me. H has a lot of negative filters that he sees me /our R through. H remembers every(wrong) thing I've said or done and holds on to that to protect himself-this is what he said today. There is no way for him to see me positively or for us to be together until he lets that wall of anger and hurt down. I'm guessing only time and positive interactions with me will help that obstacle.

I truly believe H won't screw me in a separation/divorce, but I can't say that for the lawyer he picked. I don't think H is after the money I have or make. I think he wants what is fair and wants our girls to be well-cared for. He has been pretty consistent with that message.

Tomorrow we are going to talk about ho to tell the girls of this latest step. I've told H I will not say I am for a divorce or want a divorce. He is worried that he'll be the "Bad Guy".. Anyone have helpful experience with telling children without the MLCer looking bad? Anything at all?