Learning to Detach

[peacetoday]

K
I was freaked also when my H filed
I think they think it is the closure they may need to feel better
only
it really doesnt work as my XH is worse since D..but I still believe they have to go the distance before they can really see or know what they want
there are a few approaches ive read about and also what I chose:

You can let him do all the work make the D as difficult as possible
or
contest it
many Mlcer file and never continue with the process
my X filed and stopped
his L never answered my L for months
until the state pushed the D along
you can find out the proceedings in your state
or
you can treat this like any business deal( this is what I did)
protecting yourself and your children
knowing that H is NOT the same
he will blow thru any and all money he gets
he is probably being influenced by the ow
and he will take half the house and anything else he can get
so
get a good L
one friend told me "dont be Cheap when it comes to L"
check a L repuatation and see if other clients were satified
also many L will give a reduced rate consultation and you can get lots of information about the process

it is hard to DB while going thru this b/c you have to protect yourself
these mlcers are like tornadoes destoying everything within reach
but you can let your L handle the dirty work
If it actually gets this far
so take it slow
breathe ..
you will know more later
just take care of yourself for now
you are very smanrt and will be ok
peace

[kjensen]

Thanks Peace.

Things change so fast sometimes. I did everything wrong today(compared to proper DBing)-I felt blind-sided even though I shouldn't have.

H wants to talk about our 'hot topics' at some point soon..He seems to want to communicate more than he has in months.

Tonight he was driving to a client appointment and he called my cell and left a message about how everything was going wrong-he left his laptop at home, the traffic was awful, he was almost out of gas for the long ride, running late.(In my mind "the Gods" were speaking.. but H thought I'd find it funny somehow-he left the message with good humor..)

I've found a lawyer an will meet him tomorrow-he sounds much more my style than the one I met with in January. This is the lawyer my H liked a lot, but for some reason he went with another that one of his clients recommended(I asked if the OW did and said "NO")..

What I find interesting now that I've had some time to reflect with a girlfriend is that in two months everything here would change and become more of a real separation. The girls would be out of school, H would be getting a bigger apartment with room for them and regular visits, he would move his office out of the house and basically he and I would see and communicate very little. So why the rush to make a formal divorce? Does he just not realize everything becomes much more separate in a few months? Does he need a formal divorce in 2 to 3 months?

My hope, and I'll confirm with lawyer, is that here in Colorado, you can do a formal separation agreement which basically hashes out all the details of separation like a divorce, but neither spouse can remarry until they decide to petition the state for a divorce decree..so it gives you time to live separately, legally. H could keep insurance benefits from my work..it gives me/us time..I think if the A ends as I'm thinking it is going to(H said the more time he spends with the OW the wider his eyes are opened. He firmly agreed that our girls will never meet OW)
AND H continues to see the issues are within(he admitted today that he doesn't love himself and can't forgive himself), that there still is hope for us. I'm hoping I can DB my socks off. I think it'll be easier once we are more separate.

H has had issues thinking I control everything(while he certainly has had most of the control over things lately..)and I think he needs to truly experience his life without any input (control) from me. H has a lot of negative filters that he sees me /our R through. H remembers every(wrong) thing I've said or done and holds on to that to protect himself-this is what he said today. There is no way for him to see me positively or for us to be together until he lets that wall of anger and hurt down. I'm guessing only time and positive interactions with me will help that obstacle.

I truly believe H won't screw me in a separation/divorce, but I can't say that for the lawyer he picked. I don't think H is after the money I have or make. I think he wants what is fair and wants our girls to be well-cared for. He has been pretty consistent with that message.

Tomorrow we are going to talk about ho to tell the girls of this latest step. I've told H I will not say I am for a divorce or want a divorce. He is worried that he'll be the "Bad Guy".. Anyone have helpful experience with telling children without the MLCer looking bad? Anything at all?

[In Limbo]

KJ,

I see so many similarities in our sitches and am anxious to hear the advice any of the vets have for you. I did get advice a while back to not say anything you don't believe and that may mean at first being more generic like sometimes adults have problems getting along, their love for each other changes, etc. and that both parties play a part in those changes. I have a hard time with that b/c I think kids will want to know more. I'm in the same position - don't want to make H look bad or blame him but also do not want to say I am in favor of something I am so against. Your girls are old enough that they will form their own opinions based on your behavior and H's behavior. You have to stay true to yourself and just choose carefully what you say to them about their dad. Hope you get some advice from others soon.
Take care!

[peacetoday]

K
MY kids always knew it was dad that wanted out of the M
my XH has never said anything verbally to them
he left without a word
the D papers came still no word and nothing in between
my XH has a real issue with confrontation and avoids anything uncomfortable ..he actually acts like a young child who has little skills maybe he was always that way
sO ive had to explain it all to kids
I always did it peacefully explaining Dad is in a crisies(truth) and he still love you ,,just needs space to sort it all out..
If your H is willing to tell girls with honesty that he is leaving because he is confused or unsure about his life and he still loves them and will visit and be there for them
I think that will reieve their fears of abandonment
you can also tell them that you are a stable and committed mom and will be here for them thru this if they need to talk/therapy/whatever
good luck
peace

[kjensen]

Today was interesting. I talked to H about going for a legal separation rather than divorce..H is considering. Our conversation was good and we shared lot. H didn't want to go to communicaton class tonight(only 2 left),but again was considering-talked about going to dinner together..jst felt more positive.

Tonight H was a different person. Angry at me(for no reaason that I could figure. Didn't want to go to class. Said he had a bad afternoon-said we could talk about it later..

Tonight he texted me and said OW made him feel like she didn't care about him. He was mad and depressed at himself. Sent a message to his med doc that he waas having brief suicidal thoughts(has put this off for awhile so this is a good step for him)posibly from his A/D...

I called H and we talked. He shared that he felt he'd made his bed and would have to lie in it(get a divorce). He shared he didn't trust OW and felt guarded around her and just getting coffee with her and keeping is guard up mad it difficult to have a good time. He doesn't trust OW.

H shared that he understood w I felt that his having a relatonshp wih OW kept us from improving our relatonship and his/our friend had supported my viewpoint completely But H's therapist thought my request that he stop his relationship with OW(made in Feb before I realized he ws in a MLC) wss controlling- I agreed it was because at the time I was trying to control a situation I had absolutely no control over...anyway it was a good talk tonight.

Has anyone else had their H make a step forward toward divorce and then become more fortright and open to talking-bringing up the OW on their own?

Do you think he feels more in control of his destiny and therefore more comfortable letting his guard down? Trying to make sense of this change in H.

I am trying to remember to validate. Listen more than talk. Share positives with H. Be his friend and be supportive. Let H bring up the topics he wants to talk about. This is how I feel I should be considering his mental state, but does anyone have better/other DB ideas?

[peacetoday]

K
I dont have any other ideas
but I do want to say that you are handling your H very well
It seems to me that when the R with OW doesnt go well, he comes to you
probably good to listen and say nothing about her even if he says he doesnt trust her
so it looks like just continue keeping the door open and promote those positive talks
maybe if the OW fades away, your H may be more willing to really try
and it is good that H is already seeing truth about her

Upsides H filed a long time ago then he never served her and dropped th case
they are currently working on R and in counseling
hang in--you never know when the light bulb may turn on for H
peace

[kjensen]

Hi Peace,Thanks for posting! Feels kind of lonely here when people read and don't post opinions/ideas/experiences..so I appreciate your input!

Seems like a lot has happened in just a few days. H and I had two good conversations yesterday-he shared a lot about OW, his doubts, his anger at himself(and me)..calm sharing/listening.
Today OW broke up with H. He says he felt it was coming a few weeks ago and he admitted he snooped on her email!(One of the things he was mad that I did)..She used phrases breaking up with him, that he had said to me(its too much work being in a relationship with you..I don't want to have to work at it...)..

So H is in a sad and lonely place. A lot of it is self-imposed. He seems like maybe he is reconsidering divorce, but I am not sure(as I think he is not sure)...He sees the irony that on the day his lawyer wold have received his retainer check, the OW broke up with him...We talked tonight and took a short walk together. He wanted to have someone to talk to so I did a lot of listening..I think a big obstacle for him, and it may have to do with depression, is that he can't see a way forwad hat is positive and hopeful.

I think he truly feels that he's created a mess, he has said he feels he's an old and foolish man who has made stupid mistakes in the last 6 months...and its almost as if he feels he deserves to be miserable...Although I want him to move home and want to work with me to create a new marriage, I'm not sure he's ready. I'm hoping if he isn't ready he doesn't think he still needs to go through with a divorce...its hard to tell what part of this his depression is creating/worsening..

So far, things are calm and thoughtful between us. He feels uncomfortable everywhere he says, not just with me. He sees our home as our house/my home, but not his home. That makes me sad. I know its a mental thing. He talked about selling the table and chairs OW bought him..about moving home, but not comfortable sharing the bed with me, didn't want to live in basement..he was all over the map tonight..I mostly listened. I did share with H a sheet of questions I had written about us that I thought should be explored in order to see if there could be an "us"... So we talked a bit about those..

I feel this is kind of un-DB territory, but I feel that keeping this friendship is important right now and being unavailable, unless true, would not help...

[peacetoday]

K
I dont have any experience here
but it may be a turning point
I would speak to a qualified therapist
dont bring up the D at all
if he brings it up
maybe just say I really dont want a D and would like to leave things alone for now
keep promoting talks and just use your judgenemt if you feel something is working use it
peace

[fisherman]

I think your doing well. Listen to him, don't offer advice unless he asks for it. Continue to validate what he says he feels. It's very difficult to do after going through all of this, but you can do it.

Things may get a tad bit more strange for a little while. He may begin to suffer some withdraw or go through a grieving process now that ow broke up with him.

Continue to be his friend and listen. Keep an even keel with no expectations and most importantly be patient.

Your doing great.

[kjensen]

Thanks Trapt and Peace!
H is starting to mourn OW a bit today, angry, feels stupid...I'm listening. He says he has a hard time forgiving others(me), himself and asking for forgiveness. He doesn't want to feel like he's walking around with his tail between his legs...sounds like pride or maybe fear? to me..

H is making tentative steps towards me-says he's thought about moving home but isn't sure that I would want him and feels its weird that I would be able to say yes or no-...lots of fluctations with his thoughts/moods...feels like a lot of testing.

Feels like he's lost everything. Talked about sending his lawyer written notice to get his retainer back...all over the map..

H says he can understand how I have felt rejected (now that he feels rejected by OW).

I do expect some withdrawal.