confused.....want to do something.....

[orchid01]

Well, I swear I am not some crazy lady...but, it will seem like it once you all read this...


Just listened to his voicemail again......he doesn't sound terrible...or exhausted. He sounds fine...actually. I have no idea why I heard him sound bad just an hour ago, listening to the same exact message???

Sigh. I just thought I should re-listen, bc the more I thought about what you said, pearlharbr, the more I thought, this is what he wants.....and I have left him alone for just one week. Not a lot of time in the big picture of things......I made it up in my head.....that he sounded terrible.

He is a strong personality as it is....a week is not going to be the answer. That is logical. I was being....wishful!

[pearlharbr]

Do NOT call H back until tomorrow. That's an order. First because you need to act "as if" you are busy and don't have the time to call. (The goal is to really be that busy in the future.) Second because he only called you because you called him first. We won't go into that again, but honestly, do you want him to do anything just because he feels guilty? Third because you need to do something different. Sounds like you've been taking care of him during your R. It's time to let him take care of himself.

I totally understand about not wanting another R after all this. I declared that I was done with love and would not put myself in a position to be hurt like this again (but that doesn't mean no men ) I still don't think that's the message of Yes Man. Just to try new things, really experience life and see what happens. It wasn't all about the new girl, he learned new skills, met new friends, excelled in his career - all because he said 'yes' to life.

And I haven't mentioned before but I am 150% in support of doing things to make yourself look good! Being the best Orchid you can be definitely includes looks. I went down two sizes due to crisis weight loss. With all the physical activity I'm doing now I'm determined to stay there. I got a new hair style and a whole new wardrobe. I don't recommend going overboard like this for everyone since I have WAY overspent lately, but it has been great for my self esteem. I look hot and people have commented that they think so too. That helped me to realize that I am still a great catch even if BF didn't think so. There are plenty of other men out there who want me so I would not lack for male companionship at whatever level I chose. Not that that's the focus of my life, but it made me more confident that I would be fine on my own.

[orchid01]

well, H called this morning......he did not leave a message....I did not hear the phone and missed the call. Called him back an hour later.........he did not pick up.....I did not leave a message either.

other than that. I am not feeling very chatty this morning...don't actually have much to say.......and so will write later.

[orchid01]

Ok...so spoke with him. I told him I had 3 things to go over with him. Frist, I said I thought we tabled the D issue until you came to see me in June. No Pressure, but if this has changed I just need to know about it.

He said he is coming to see me in 2 weeks. He said, he feels like he has no choice. He will have to come. (WHATEVER)

Anyways, He said: He sent in the Financial Disclosure Form before he even gave me the D papers. He said the D is tabled for now. We are on the same page. I asked about some tax forms I have to fill out. He started talking to me about what he plans financially for this year. I just listened. Did not know why he was telling me any of this. He goes on to tell me where he is going to be for the next 2 weeks.

Then he asked if I got in my results for a test I took the day before he gave me the D papers. I said why do u want to know? He says " It would be really exciting if I passed and that would make him very happy" (Whatever) He said he will take me out for a fancy meal....WHATEVER....I said, I don't want a fancy meal, I just want you to talk to me! He said he is going to have to talk to me no matter what....no escape.

Am I supposed to feel bad for him? Hmmm....you give ur wife D papers without a reason or a fight or anything and all I have asked is that you come talk to me about why you want a D whenever you are ready. OH YEAH! TOUGH LIFE HE HAS!

Anyways....the short of it is that, the conversation was fine.

But then again, it is always fine. He was I think more communicative today than he has been....or maybe my expectations have seriously dropped. I kept trying to end the conversation, he kept it going for 5 min or so more.....

WTF is happenning. The fact that he is not fighting or making me feel bad...worries me. Everyone else's H are doing that....mine is still keeping his cool.........as usual...you would never see him sweat! Its annoying right now!

How do I approach this week long visit from him? He is coming in 2 weeks....I can definately NOT call him for 2 weeks...I know, pearlharbr, you probably have your doubts, but...I am going to make that my one goal for the next 2 weeks. Even if I accomplish nothing....I will not initiate any contact with him.

[pearlharbr]

Look at your conversation again.

Frist, I said I thought we tabled the D issue until you came to see me in June. No Pressure, but if this has changed I just need to know about it.

Really? That sounds like pressure to me.

I said, I don't want a fancy meal, I just want you to talk to me!

More pressure.

He said he is going to have to talk to me no matter what....no escape.

He responds by telling you that he feels pressured and trapped.

all I have asked is that you come talk to me about why you want a D whenever you are ready.

No, you want him to talk about it now. He is obviously not ready and yet you are still pushing him.

I kept trying to end the conversation, he kept it going for 5 min or so more

Remember Yoda, do or do not, there is no try. Simply say I have to go now and hang up.

The fact that he is not fighting or making me feel bad...worries me.

As long as you keep your focus on him and how what he does/says affects you you will not progress. How do I make this any clearer? You must focus on you and you alone right now.

I am going to make that my one goal for the next 2 weeks. Even if I accomplish nothing....I will not initiate any contact with him.

That's a good start. I think it's very important to not initiate contact. I do have my doubts because you couldn't even make it one day. Then when he called this morning you called back in one hour when you previously stated your goal would be to wait three hours.

But what is most important is to work on yourself. I have heard you talk about it but not seen a whole lot of focus and energy put there.

I can only tell you so many times. If you refuse to do the work then self-pity will swallow you up. I know you can do this but you have to make the effort and not just stand there and say it's too hard. If you are not going to help yourself then I cannot help you.

[judyc]

Hi Orchid,

Nothing really new to say, just Hi. I know this all sucks. Everything is sucky for me, too. Hang in there, and listen to Pearlharbor - she knows!

[judyc]

Actually, I do have something to add. I purchased a book yesterday (actually several books), and one I recommend is "The First 30 Days" by Ariane de Bonvoisim. It helps you cope with (and embrace) change, not just relationship changes, but any change (job, illness, moving to a new town, etc.). The book encourages meeting change with optimism, not fear. A good (and easy) read.

[orchid01]

Hey PearlHarbr and JudyC....

Well, I just got back home and I guess I totally missed the ball on this one! I actually had a pretty good day......I was out, met a friend, saw a movie, went to get my hair cut, met up with a friend for dinner, returned some phone calls and came home just now.

I thought I did great today with the H, bc......well, I did need to know that he is not saying one thing and doing another.

I really was not trying to manipulate or maneuver him into talking to me. I think if we have agreed that we are tabling the D, until we talk and then I hear something different...I have the right to know if things are changing......bc then things change for me too. I thought I was being fair.

But, ok...I can see how all of what pearlharbr quoted sounds like pressure. sigh. I need to reasses how I am dealing with him. I am not sure what to say....or what to do....I think I need to concentrate on myself more and I will just continue to improve myself and I will definately NOT initiate contact again.

I have been reacting to what I thought H might be doing.......I just need to get to a place where I am not thinking about him....

well...ok...i guess tomorrow is another day. I have planned a lunch with a friend and then we are going to do some shopping cuz I just thought I need to do that for myself....not too extravagant.....but, I never buy things for myself.....and so that will be a 180 for me!

Ok..here's to hoping I do better tomorrow.

[pearlharbr]

Sounds like a great day - good for you.

You may not think you're trying to manipulate your H but that's the way it comes across. You're talking to him the same way you always have. So you need to be mindful of your communication. That's why it's easier to just have as little contact as possible at this point.

I have been reacting to what I thought H might be doing.......I just need to get to a place where I am not thinking about him....

Yes, exactly. This hits two issues: don't try to be a mind reader and lovingly detach.

I'm sure you will do better tomorrow. Have fun shopping!

[Kenn]

Hey Orchid,

Stopping in to say hi. Looks like yo are getting great advice. Hope all is going well. Hang in there.

How was the shopping?