Hey, Ali, I had an insight about your sitch, then lost the thread of it, so I had to come back later when I remembered.
Have you thought about the fact that you have been working hard on yourself since he left, so you have moved forward in your life, in your personal development, in your attitudes and insight...and he has just been spinning and spinning and has made NO progress (especially because he has been depressed, which IMHO slows down emotional advances; I have seen it happen to me), so you are way ahead of him now? He's going to need some time to catch up with you, so don't you DARE go back to drag him forward to where you are now! He needs to catch up with you at his own pace!
Besides which, he just got out of another R, and it's completely normal for him to need some transition time! So try not to overanalyze every breath he takes; just accept that it's going to be three steps forward, two steps back for a while now. STAY DETACHED!!
Think of it this way: Do you REALLY want to be a rebound R for him??!?
I hope this doesn't come across as harsh...I am very happy for you and want to see your R succeed! I just hate to see you pulling him out of the oven before he's completely "cooked"! He's reconnected with you, so now he will NEED some space to process that. It's actually good that you are so swamped for this next little while, because you need to give him that time away from you anyway, and hopefully you will be too busy to get completely worked up about his pulling back! Stop fussing and relax...concentrate on all the work you need to get done, not on him!
Just my 25 cents (inflation!). Use whatever is helpful; forget about the rest. Way to go Ali!!!
Peace, Dawn
Me 45/H 47, no kids Together since 1985; M/1992 Bomb1 (EA-OW1, age 22) 2001 Bomb2 (EA/PA-OW2, age 22) 10/2007, A continues H left 11/24/08 minimal contact, no legal action http://tinyurl.com/DawnHope1
Ali. I am so excited about your books and your art!
I want to say something:
THIS IS A *****NEW***** RELATIONSHIP
repeat this to yourself over and over. THIs is a NEW RELationship This is a NEW romance This is a NEW relationship This is a NEW romance
you can't expect him to act like your Boyfriend or bring you dinner or offer you anything "caretaker-y"
Relish the opportunity to start over. you are creating something new. don't expect to pick up where you left off. This is a precious opportunity to create something BETTER than before. That means not instantly re-activating old partner patterns, no matter how reassuring they may be or how stressed and busy you are.
Also.. remember the four steps? 1. letting go of anger 2. friendship 3. romance 4. recommitment
The romance has to come BEFORE the recommitment. Even though I personally would love the reassurance of recommitment before diving into the terror of romance, romance comes first.
This means... slow down... treat it like a new ROMANCE. Not like a new committed relationship. I *know* that you love jumping in headfirst and that is your lifelong pattern. But now is the time to do things differently.
I am very excited for you and eagerly reading along. Sending you buckets of love and PATIENCE. TR
