.. you know what? It was a compulsion, an addiction, an infatuation. It tore me apart, it drove me mental and I felt like I had been split in two (and the OM too, who also lived with his longterm gf). Photos from that time show me looking awful, thin, harangued. I knew I loved my ex (now bf again!??) and I knew HE was the better man.. but he was depressed and had become quite 'matey' with me, was busy with a MSc and was stressed and has since admitted, giving me nothing.. taking me for granted. Meanwhile.. the OM, well he was described as "devastatingly attractive" (later revised to arrogant tosser, but hey, we live and learn!) he was VERY smart which I find attractive and he had a penchant for dressing up in fine suits, like a Mod, whilst my ex slobbed about and made no effort to dress up for me... But, thats the analysis. In reality, it was tremendously exciting and for a while, I wanted both, because being with OM injected passion to my R with a busy depressed man and made me feel desirable and it was intense s*xual chemistry in all honesty.
I didnt leave my partner, but when he found out (just as OM moved away and it was all over).. the guilt was so tremendous I had to get him out of the house and pretty much made him move out. I still loved him, but I acted like I didnt.. I would go a few days without even seeing him. I would push him out the door Sunday night and not let him stay, because his lip would start to wobble and I couldnt handle his neediness or the guilt..I tried to reassure him at that time, but it was suffocating and I needed my space to recalibrate.
I didnt feel entitled, I felt all along, WTF am I doing, am I insane!??? I thought about my partner and his feelings constantly. I was so intent on not hurting him, that he never suspected a thing, until it was over as I went to extrodinary lengths to hide it. I talked to OM about him all the time, said he is a wonderful guy, I love him, you'd really like him... But I couldnt stop it, it felt like a runaway train which I had no power to resist. When I didnt see OM, I missed him so much I couldnt eat. After he was gone and a few months passed, I woke up and realised what a fool I had been, what a terrible mistake I had made and how he had made a play for me and lavished attention on me at a time when I was vunerable. Initially I missed him, but once it was done and I woke up, I didnt miss him, in fact, I was soooo relieved that I didnt lose my partner that I then set about making it up to him and became EVEN MORE in love with him than I had been before.
Yep, I have been there, which is why I now forgive my ex (um, bf yet !??) as he once forgave me.
Kat.. thanks for your kinds words! BND.. no thanks, really, its ok, go help SunshineLewis instead!
