H has been unhappy in our marriage for months. H would not see a counselor so I used the DB'ing techniques and about a month ago H indicated that whatever had been changing in me was positive and he really wanted our marriage to work, but that still did not involve meeting with a counselor/therapist. Even though H had said he wanted the marriage to work I could feel him drifting away from me for about the past two weeks and than this weekend happened. First thing in the a.m. something came up and I simply asked him if he was happy or miserable in our life and he indicated he was unhappy and thought we should divorce. H told me he had made up his mind a couple of weeks ago and there was no turning back - the only difficulty was he did not know if he had the stones to file for divorce. I asked if that meant there was a chance for us to still work things out and he said "NO"!
After the news I completely lost it! I had just recently become comfortable with the idea H was not going to leave and than he dropped the "bomb". I was so unprepared that I threw up, cried all day and at work this morning I am just shaking. He said it will take a couple of months of status quo to get everything worked out because he is going to move to Canada to live with his friends. By the way, he is going to move to Canada and leave his whole life, family, friends, me in Minnesota and simply go start a whole new life.
I also begged him to stay yesterday and we both started crying and had sex last night. It did not feel great but I needed to be close to him. He said he needs a few days to make up his mind about how to split (separate, divorce); in the meantime, I am stuck with H telling me he wants our marriage over and won't change his mind. But he is here and each and every time I look at him it is like getting kicked in the stomach and we work/live together so that feeling lasts all day long...
What should I do, let H go; or, is there anything left to do that doesn't appear to be begging? I want the next step to be one that is positive and does no damage. I guess I've been trying to make him feel guilty for wanting to leave me and that does not make me proud. I am at a complete loss for what to do, help!
This group helps so many and I know I am not the only one, but right now it feels like it and I am desperate for advice.
Thank you, Michele
Me 42 H 41 No kids Marriage problems 7/08 Wanted to leave 11/08 Reconciled shakily 4/09 Bomb dropped 5/09
What should I do, let H go; or, is there anything left to do that doesn't appear to be begging?
I don't want to be harsh, but what else can you do? Tie him up?
Now is the time to move all of the focus to you. He is going to do what he is going to do. You don't have to be happy about it, but try to let it happen without a lot of reaction from you. Almost any reaction I can think of is going to be seen by him as justifying his actions.... "She always tries to make me do what she wants...", "She's trying to make me feel guilty...", I have to get away from her negativity...". Reality isn't important here, it's his perception that matters to him.
Focus on you, read DB and or DR, stay away from talking about your relationship.
So sorry to hear about your H. Jeff's advice is good- don't talk about the R or do/say anything that suggests you want to maintain the R (I know this is the hardest thing in the world to do). If he has space he will start questioning his decisions.
In the meantime start to focus on you and your life. Have you read DR? Start doing some GALing and be mysterious about it (with H).
Also, you might want to read Brandnewday's posts- her H (I believe) left and moved 3000 miles away before they had a successful reconciliation.
Hi chel, I see my buddies already came around with great advice.
I cant stress enough how important it is to stay as calm as possible at this point and if and when you talk about separation again, just say you understand his need for some time and let him do as he pleases... I know it is hard but there isnt much else you can do at this point. A separation doesnt necessarily mean the end. If he has been unhappy for months he probably thought it was you that caused his misery. Many WAS when they leave, come to the realisation tht it wasnt their Ss, but themeselves that were the route of the problem. You focus on you as OD says and be strong... K
Sorry to see you are here, but you've gotten great advice so far. As hard as it is right now, you've got to try and not have the things he tells you affect you right now. He's in the phase where every R talk you have with him will drive him further away.
Read the books and start concentrating on yourself. Like K says, S is not the end. We are here to help you in the times when it seems the darkest.
Can you tell us what type of marital problems you had in the past? A little background might shed some light on the sitch.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Thanks to all who posted. I am absolutely grateful for the cold hard truth and also the advice. I made it through today strong and went for a long bike ride. I absolutely did not know where to turn today and reading your posts tonight was wonderful. I bit the bullet and called for an phone counseling session tomorrow afternoon. Has anyone done that?
All my life I've been the nurturer for others and it has been very hard to focus on myself, but I know it is necessary. Like I had said H wanted to reconcile and than 2 weeks later, Saturday a.m., H dropped the bomb. All my DB techniques and my feelings of self worth flew out the window.
Shouldn't H move out? It is hard having someone tell you they want the marriage over and than every day you see them and I also work with him that adds to the temptation to start talking about R, but I promise I will stay strong.
We've been together since 1986 and married since 1993. My H had OW 10 years ago, in another state, somehow we survived the affair. There was so much emotion, job changes, out of work and moving to a new state to go along with this at the same time. After 9/11 we were unhappy in our careers so we quit and got an entirely new job as Resident Managers, started Nov. 2001. This is where we are at present. We work together, live together and yeah, for the most part are together most of the time. My sister, age 31, died of a brain tumor in 1995 and during that time we became so close, and I regained my trust in our marriage. No doubt I was quite depressed and yes, am still somewhat depressed by my sister's death. A couple of years ago his sister and brother-in-law moved close to us and eventually his mother has moved quite close in an assisted living facility. That has put a lot of stress on my H for varying reasons. My H also commented that our situation was no longer healthy, spending too much time together and not enough outside friends, etc. I agreed. H got into tennis and had some tennis partners but nothing really clicked into friends. I really don't have friends and until now never realized how absolutely important they are. At the same time my H started talking about Canada and wanted to visit. H indicated he met online a couple of people in Montreal he hit it off with and they e-mailed, etc. Last July H indicated he would like to go meet them and even though I was hesitant I wanted to be encouraging so he went.
He came back and thoroughly enjoyed meeting them and he experienced meeting others that lived in the same building/area and liked the ability to hang with so many different types of people, etc. He got a good vibe. H came back and instead of saying hey come with me to Montreal and meet these people he did not. They became H's friends and he asked again to go visit for a week. I did not like this but H told me he had so much fun, etc. and it was absolutely no threat to us. H went again. At Thanksgiving time there were some family issues, etc., he seemed down and he told me he just wanted out of this country, out of his family and out of his marriage. Everything was same old, same old and he felt he wanted to move to Montreal without me. Okay, so we worked through that on our own and things were still shaky. So, H went for another visit around the first of the year and than H again indicated he wanted to move, but he stayed. And right before his last visit to Montreal in mid-April before he left he broke down and told me how much he loved me and felt so bad for treating me this way and really wanted to cancel his trip. H left and we agreed this would the last trip and we would reconcile when he came home. His flight was cancelled and he stayed an extra day. H called me repeatedly that day saying how disappointed he was his flight was cancelled couldn't wait to get back and hold me, blah, blah, blah. Within a week of being home things felt strained. On Saturday a.m. H just blurted out he was done with our marriage and nothing would change his mind. That goes back to my first e-mail in my post, I was devastated, etc. Fell of the DB wagon, begged, pleaded, etc. The DB had worked up and until this last trip, he was curious why I was more aloof and he was not sure where I was when I was gone before his last trip. A couple of days ago I asked about him filing for divorce and what he thought would happen with our job, living arrangement, etc. He told me point blank he did not know if he had enough balls to actually file for divorce; but that did not mean he did not want to...he still loved me but felt our life together had run its course. I again suggested counseling, a change in jobs, etc. and he was adamant about wanting to do nothing what that and I should cancel our spring trip next week.
So last night I talked no R and H seemed relieved but this morning H clearly has something on his mind. And, I promise to take advice and not talk about it and focus on myself.
H is aware of all the logistical problems with moving, telling his family, etc. I really told him I thought he was going through a MLC, but he totally disagrees. H just says he is done and wants a new life and new opportunities, he just wants to find happiness.
Again, the hardest part is we are together so much and he is not going to move out until decisions are made so we are together all the time and it is so difficult not to talk R. Does H staying here mean there is hope?
On one hand I would like him to move out and push him to be alone and make some decisions on his own. I feel like I've made it too comfortable for him; but on the other hand, I love him so much and would like him to stay. However, things are at the point where it is the same of sh%*t every day and I feel like I'm walking on eggshells.
Any other advice would be welcomed. I speak to a DB phone counselor this afternoon for the first time.
Thank you, Michele
M 42 H 41 No Kids Married 1993 together since 1986 Bomb dropped 5/16/09 H still in home
him staying just means that he doesn't have the stones to move out and begin the D process, he is feeling mighty guilty. Well, you dont' *have* to stay together all the time nor you have to talk R when you are (I spent 6mths living with a man who was a zombie and was able to keep R talk to a minimun-nothing)
Join a gym, a club, something, find what makes you happy, take a class you've always wanted to try, find those old friends you barely talk to (I rekindled old friendships which have been supporting me during my D). LIVE your life. Just like you, I centered my life on my H and home, I didnt' do anything for myself, didnt' go out with friends nor did things I liked. One thing you have to learn is that -gasp~! - you dont' need him to be happy. Yes, with all your heart you want him, but he isnt' the center of your life, he shouln't be at least. Give yourself a timeline, if he still is there with his bs and not willing to work on the M after a while then (depending if you have an apt or house) someone has to go, I totally get you, I'd feel uncomfortable too. Prayers your way, know that you will be ok no matter what.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Focus on yourself. You can't change his mind and especially if he's in MLC, he will strongly disagree that it's MLC and not listen to anything you tell him. Yeah they're weird that way.
Anyway, he's still at home, so make the best of it. Focus on developing YOUR life. Maybe jot down the specific things he told you he enjoyed about Canada and see if there's a way of re-creating them with you. Start re-developing your "sexy" look. All of these will help you to re-build your self-esteem. All of us LBS's have self-esteems that were battered by our WASs. You need to bring back that confidence and strength within yourself.
As you've noticed, he doesn't want to do anything for the M, so don't force him. He'll just turn around and blame you for driving him away. So let him free and see what happens.
You'll be fine as long as you focus on yourself and have patience...patience...patience.
God bless.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Thank you all again for your support and advice. It is spot on and I am doing everything in my power to not talk R and focus on myself.
I had my first DB phone counseling session and it went well. Cheryl backed up just what all of you have been saying and we worked on me just being breezy, light and casual with H; and, to do things for me. She told me it was not too late to do a 180 on my approach and have done so with some success over the past couple of days.
I was tempted to talk R Monday but went biking instead and so glad I did. His attitude toward me was so much more relaxed. Yesterday I asked if he wanted to cook out chicken kabobs and go to the local floral nursery. He agreed and again he seemed relieved no R talk. I actually relaxed myself.
Right after my phone consult yesterday, I felt good and intended to keep things light and try and do positive activities by myself or ask if he wanted to join me and if he said no to just say okay and go off on my own. I was in a really good place when I hung up the phone but than...
Minutes after I hung up my H called and said he was feeling really emotional, he wondered if I could talk. I told him I could meet him in an hour. When I did he didn't choose to talk and I did not coax him to do so. He simply cried a bit and just told me he felt an overwhelming sense of sadness and felt a huge void. I told him he could talk with me about whatever, but he just choose to not say anything. The rest of the evening went well and he never did talk about anything with me. Last night he told my I had an incredible smile and this morning H seems a bit withdrawn.
I can assume my 180 approach not talking about R confused him. Could that be it? Or, have others experienced this and what does it mean?
You are all very wonderful special people who care and I cannot tell you how much it is appreciated.
Michele
M 42 H 41 No Kids Married 1993, Together since 1986
