Learning to Detach

[kjensen]

So,
I'm having a pretty crappy day. Went home for lunch and H acted weird and I asked him how his weekend was and he said "not good". He seemed like he wanted to say something but was having a hard time..(in my head I'm thinking well maybe he broke up with the OW!) BUT NO. He's decided he wants a divorce. He wants to get moving on it because he hates being in limbo. He still feels some conflict and he was emotional and cried some. I went back to work then got the rest of the day off. Came home and we talked some more. He saw a second lawyer last week, signed paperwork and sent them a check on Saturday. He said he wasn't sure if that's what he wanted but he eels better having made a decision... We talked for quite awhile this afternoon-didn't DB very well as I was so distraught and caught off guard.

H says he wants to get something in his life settled. He feels our (rewritten) history is too much to overcome, that his having an A is too much to overcome. He doesn't love himself and he can't forgive himself. He doesn't see marrying the OW or that they even have much of a future. He agreed that our girls wold never meet her. He refuses MC,not even with Michele. It hurts too much.

H doesn't feel therapy has helped him. He still feels like everything is 'crap'. He is still depressed and 'suicidal'.

I wanted to see who his lawyer was since he said he wrote them a check I looked at hs register-but no check is missing from his business account-so he must have opened a new one. He paid $5000 down. This is a man who said he wanted mediation. He still says today that he doesn't care about money or stuff, yet in an angry moment he said don't forget half the house is mine...

This was on something he wrote in his office:
" Loss of Self Esteem

Control
Agreed t things I shouldn't have to avoid conflict?
told what to do/when to do it/how to do it

Kept-Man
Change in wages. We live off of your income
Household chores/maintenance
Can't afford to live on my own even though I want to

Loss of Self-Esteem
didn't speak up enough to things important to me
sacrificed my career and earnings potential

He didn't go with the lawyer he first met with, that was pro-mediation...I didn't find out why he went with who he finally picked(more aggressive?)..but H told me the name of his first lawyer in case I wanted to call someone...

So I'm a bit panicked. I have no idea how this works and I'm very conflicted between believing that things may still turn around and wanting to protect myself financially.

How can I DB and be positive about us and still not get taken in a divorce? H says he signed with this different lawyer b/c they take care of all the details..but don't we tell the lawyers what we want/how we want to separate things t some exent? If his lawyer wanted to split things down the middle per the state worksheet and H says that's not what he wants..won't the lawyer have is way? Is he saying (without saying it) that he's going to have the lawyer take me to the cleaners so he will look innocent and good?

H admits he still has conflicts..I said I will hope that this marriage lasts until the divorce papers are signed...he understands but is standing by his decision, of course.

Of course, we won't be going to the last two communication classes..

I need help. I can't get my head around all of this. Vets please post!