Frank, you're sounding MUCH stronger than you did when you last had your own thread! Divorce is not an easy thing....and,it shouldn't be. I'm sorry that that seems to be the direction you are headed. I know you fought it for a long time.
Actually, I didn't fight. actually I withdrew into my anger. Anger at not feeling supported, and at drinking again, anger at her bailing again after all the pain I endured last time.
I latched on the the "don't be too nice to her" advice and it made things worse. I was a hurting man who needed her support. She was a hurting woman who needed me to support her emotionally.
It was a no-win scenario. As I kept living in my conflict, and the conflicting advice I got her I slowly spiraled downwards. Lost the respect of my kids due to drinking. Got in verbal arguments with W when she moved back in to the house because she was still 'dating'.
Finally in March things broke. She left, took D13 with her. Convinced the girls I was 'unsafe'. D18 hated me for about a month. I had gone from being the 'sane' one to being the 'broken' one. Too much hurt and pressure.
The only person who made sense in their posts to me, in hindsight, was 25yearsmlc who could see the hurt on both sides.
It's taken a while but things are stable. The kids are starting to respect me and feel better. I was at my emotional bottom a few weeks ago and now I'm reaching that point of acceptance in life - that my W wasn't a person who could help me or the family. Only I could do that. That's the roles we took on.
Quote:
It's cool that you are helping your wife out financially the way you are. I am guessing that the fact that your daughter is living with her has a large part to do with that...just don't make things too easy for her. (I'm sorry if that sounded harsh...I say that based on MY personal opinion that far too often the WAS has it so much easier than the LBS.)
D13 living there has a lot to do with it. But, I also feel an obligation to do what I can. She doesn't have anywhere the earning power I have and our financial status is mostly my fault. She has her BF and she's struggling but she seems happier to not have to deal with my issues any more.
So, sometimes you have to do the 'right thing' whether you want to or not.
D18 avoids her BF, and D13 is exposed to him but doesn't like him. My counselor says we were both codependent and very often one person will have affairs rather than leave the relationship, or fix it. OM is just another fix it. Like Alcohol was for me.
I regret my role in all this and I don't see it as salvagable in any way. I did a great job of DB'ing 3 years ago except it was for the wrong reason. Because we didn't properly 'piece', instead I 'courted', I didn't get my needs met. The cycle repeated and I turned into a drunk again. Except this time our financial lives and business lives were much much worse. I needed help but didn't get it.
Quote:
Anyway, it was good to hear from you, Frank! Keep your head up and look ahead!!
