Congratulations Kevin. You are totally clear and owning your feelings. I know it sucks, it sucks for all of us. I think this is huge for you to just be "angry." Try not to pout or whine about it. Be angry. Write about it. I like to write the most vile horrible honest letters to H and then throw them out. I like writing poetry too but that's just me.
I know it sounds sexist but anger is kind of manly and you seem to have really suppressed so much male energy for so long. Can you find some constructive outlets? (punching bag etc). You can cultivate that energy into strength and I don't mean becoming a bitter a**hole, I mean feeling empowered. I think you are on your way.
Don't be afraid of your anger anymore. She's gone. You've lived through that. You have a right to your feelings.
Of course, you have to manage those feelings and protect your kids. But when you are alone, work it out.
You wrote me a really thoughtful response to my sit, and I feel I owe you the same. Like me, you have moved from the hopeless self-pity stage to anger and resentment. As bad as it feels, it is a good thing, because it means that you are not hiding from your feelings, but are processing them. Don't get me wrong, it sucks, it hurts, it makes you want to scream and swear and just beat the crap out of something or someone. Find a way to channel that energy constructively, or it will tear you apart inside. I found relief listening to angry music (Nine Inch Nails) while doing something physical (mowing the lawn and splitting logs) and even though Sandi thinks I should be listening to more uplifting music (I agree to an extent), there is something cathartic to burning off some negative energy by listening to angry music and working up a sweat.
After you've worked up a sweat and expelled some of the negative energy, follow your advice to me and TURN IT OVER TO GOD. Read some scripture - there's a thread in the Prayer Circle here where many people have contributed verses that have helped them in their DBing, and they are well worth reading and bookmarking for times like these.
Hang in there my friend, we're both on this sucky roller coaster ride that neither of us want to be on, but WE SHALL OVERCOME. I'm praying for you and your family Kevin.
Does anyone know when 25yearsmic gets back from Europe? She has been gone a while.
I'm still moving stuff over. I'm still pretty angry and scared of what thw future holds at the same time.
We are still training at work.
I need to find things to do next week since I won't have my kids.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
Ok. I wasn't sure. Did her and her husband reunite? Did they have a good time in Europe?
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
Not sure, she posted on my thread and said she had a nice time. I presume they were all together. She was too busy setting me straight to get much further...
Yep I'm back. Got back late Sat night and have some jet lag, though it's better coming this way than getting there. The trip was really great. Not all smooth with h, as he went into some old dynamics for a bit and we had a private talk about it and how he really needed to repair the R's with the kids and lose the control thing. Somehow I said it lovingly and DBingly and surprisingly, he got it. Said he wanted to "finish strong" and he did. YAY!
Okay Kev, back to YOU...
One of your posts from a week ago was soooo healthy I could not believe the progress you made. Man I was going to print it out and frame it. Citygirl commented heavily and you should re-read that one a lot.
Then you backslid again. Lots of 2 steps forward, 3 back. I think overrall you are ahead now. You are getting angry and less self pitying. You have insight about unhealthy your marriage really had become. If you ever reconcile it'd only be if you changed a lot of those behaviors. If you're ever in a healthy R with any woman, it'll only be if you change those behaviors....so guess what you should do?
Some of it you are doing. The meetups and the working out and the side jobs you are pursuing. I would worry less about tomorrow and focus on what is good today. I also recommend you read a book called "Blue like Jazz" b/c a lonely guy writes a lot about his faith and his doubts and his R problems and how eventually, sorting out his faith has changed his life so much. It really has struck me. It's a love based book on faith and not judgemental. But very insightful. Didn't hook me until about 40 or 50 pages but I trusted the person who referred it to me.
ANYHOW...I just think a lot of your problems are wrapped up in emotional/spiritual issues and that you cannot be healthy until you get that stuff handled. Scott Peck wrote "The Road Less Travelled" and he's an MD who believes that no one can be "well" without having some sort of spiritual peace and relationship with God. I see a lot of lip service from you about God, but nothing about what you get from prayer or your R with God. If you hand a problem over to him then don't take it back with the next breath. When you operate in fear, as you do, you are not operating in faith.
Keep up what works and stop what doesn't. DB 101. GAL, stop obsessing about w, focus on the happiness you are creating for YOURSELF and your d's. BTW, kids are difficult at times even in happy marriages. Don't assume it's all the DIV or your fault or your wife's. Sure some of it is related to the tension. I DO think your wife was correct in telling them not to divide you guys on issues about them or their behavior. They DO have to treat you both with respect and you could have backed her up then. Stop saying you don't have problems; "only she does". That is a lie you keep telling yourself. You both have major problems and your marriage was a sick one where you leaned on her and dumped on her for years. She then lost respect for you as you lost it for yourself. THAT IS THE PAST.
Now you are slowly rebuilding and that's that. Oh well. It's done. Move on. Forgive yourself and move on. God forgave you and that's enough.
Be patient with your girls. The idea that it's probably "over" with your 11 y/o b/c of a month of bratty behavior is among the most immature idiotic things you have ever said. It will never be over with her. You are her only father and she is your only oldest daughter. That will always be true.
Relationships evolve in every family. Kids lean and act differently and at about the age of 13 or 14 the girls tend (generalization coming) to look more at their dads as to what they have in common and less at their moms, as they try to differentiate between their female role models and their dads. Prepare. Read up on raising girls. Be upbeat and not needy to them.
Your wife is lost to you for now. So what? You are healthy and have food in the frig and shelter and your kids are healthy and you have a job. I just saw homeless people all over Europe. And a lot of poverty but not much misery. They live with a lot less but don't seem nearly as stressed.
You are free in this country to worship as you wish and Yeah, that IS ENOUGH. By the way, in Germany they take a 10th of your salary if you say you belong to a church, which you have to name on your tax form and tell your government. Naturally, a lot of membership in churches there has gone down. I was stunned by this. I like being an American even if the food is better in parts of Europe.
You are a luckier man than most in this world. Start acting like it. You'd be surprised at what you create when your energy and personality are positive and not negative. When you are negative you project that and it comes back to you. I swear sometimes your posts are 90% negative fears and worry about stuff, and about half of it comes true. So at least 50% of that crappy thinking wasn't even accurate AND the other half may have become self fulfilling prohecies. Knock that stuff off.
Read the books I mentioned when you have some down time and don't feel like studying. Stop whining. Be as loving to the girls as you can and don't futurize about THEM so they start worrying about yet another move. Put them in the best school that you can and try to create some stability for THEM please. Without all your fears piled onto them. Please. You are the parent in the R with your kids so you have to act like it. Still, all in all, I see some forward movement. Soon even you will see that being out of that house is a BLESSING....now start being grateful for it. You are blind to so much of what is around you and in your life, OR Could be. How's that new niece of yours? The one who was born the anniversary of your mom's death? I do NOT want to hear about how far away she is, but how her photo looks b/c if you don't have one yet, ask for one. Put it on the frig and show your d's their newest cousin. Be happy and grateful for the miracle of her birth and what it means. There's a lot out there for you to see if you'll open your eyes and heart to it.
Good luck, (( j ))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
It was hard sleeping in my new place last night without W. She told me she still doesn't want me having access to the house even to finish getting my stuff out.
She is still pretty cold and mean. I didn't sleep much last night. D7 got up and came to my bed in the middle of the night. I have a feeling this is going to be tough on the kids.
I don't know that I ever see W coming back. She is just so against me and wants nothing to do with me.
I'm tired today. I sure hope she gives me another chance in the future. How do you DB if they are never around to see anything?
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
