Over the Shock - Detaching and GALing 3

[LG nm12]

EXACTLY! Which is why I mentioned that I've read other viewpoints on the matter. It makes your head spin, doesn't it?

But... I think the boundary would be different if it was set from the get-go of the R. Setting the boundary AFTER trust was broken implies that it is a punishment, and a statement that you don't trust her. (I'm not saying she deserves your trust here, I'm just examining this boundary.) Standing up and holding firm to your boundaries or your N.U.T.s is indeed important in life, because it is standing up for yourself and staying true to yourself. If you just met your W and none of this had happened earlier, you wouldn't have this requirement because of your "trust" N.U.T.

I'm not suggesting you cave here, or change what you've established. It is a very, very tough call. Perhaps let it ride and the answer will become clear through time and healing.

I'm reading that you just want her to choose you without having to mark out your requirements. As do I, as do we all!

Lucky

[Thinker]

Thanks Coach,

A few answers:

I mandated the transparency, and she reluctantly gave it.

So was it given like a direct order or was it a mutual beneficial decision?

When the EA first blew open 3 months ago, she discovered the keylogger that I had installed. She demanded that I remove it. I threatened to expose the A to the world (and his W) and she agreed to cut it off. I agreed to remove the keylogger, on the condition that she give me the passwords to her accounts and not change them.

So it was more of a demand from me and a way of deescalating for both of us, rather than a mutually beneficial agreement.

"I hate that you are spying on me - it's controlling and ugly".

How often has your W called you controlling?

only since the bomb, during the EA, and then now. In retrospect, however, I was. In our life, I wanted things my way and I wanted her to agree with them. When she didn't agree I would often be judgemental, critical, etc. in order to get my way.

She is planting things in her mails to make me mad so that she can prove her point. (so far I haven't gotten mad because I haven't read her mails, and therefore did not fall for the trap).

Then how do you know she is planting things if you are not snooping or spying?

Because she acts weird for a few days, and then starts dropping hints - "Well, have you checked your computer recently!" I finally figured it out and asked her if she had set a trap for me and she admitted it.

So drop it. You can still set boundaries.

Thats' my current line of "Think"ing. I'm just "Think"ing it through carefully, because I know once I tell her to change her passwords, there's no going back. It becomes the new expected normal.

So I am considering making a trust-building gesture, and telling her to change her passwords.

Sounds like more trust directives.

Took me a minute to figure out what you meant. It would not be an order of course. I would just want to be very clear in telling her that she can do what she wants to do - as opposed to being wishy-washy and saying "Well, if you really don't want to be open, then I guess you can change your passwords if you want to"

I don't want to hold onto transparency as a false security blanket if it is actually harming my sitch.

So is it a harm or healthy?

2 months ago I thought it was healthy. Now I think it is harmful.

-

[Thinker]

I'm reading that you just want her to choose you without having to mark out your requirements. As do I, as do we all!

Lucky,

I definitely want her to choose me (ie, not just be here because she has no better alternative).

But I am not sure what you mean here about "having to mark out my requirements"

[LG nm12]

Like having to mark out that you require her to be faithful. We would all like to be chosen without having to state such things. (I'm inferring this requirement from "mandated transparency.")

Does that make any sense? I'm fumbling with the words a bit!

Lucky

[orangedog]

Oh, and if it is any consolation... My H is a soft spoken creative type with Nice Guy tendencies. When my Mom first met him, she pulled me aside directly and asked, "Is he gay?" My answer was, "No, just evolved."

Funny! (been there)